I'm so Fucking Pissed about SCOTUS

Friends, so I thought, I swam in their pool, was about to have dinner, when news came on the DVR'ed Jeopardy we were gonna watch. He asked what went on today because they were talking about Hobby Lobby. I told him. He did a fist pump and yelled "YES". I said sorry, going home. We've always agreed to disagree, and he said that. I just told him yeah, but that was different. It's total bullshit. He's the friend who ordered the Vape for me too, so he's already been controlling me so I'm really, really pissed.

I never should have gone over there today anyway. I need to listen to myself more. I'll start tomorrow because I could have avoided that mess by just coming home in the first place.

Won't make that mistake again.

Smoking

I'm trying to stop. It's not easy or fun. I have a giant phallus to suck on, but it's not the same. I still have a cigarette, some days more than 1 or 12, but I'm doing really well actually. I only buy 2 packs every 3 or 4 days instead of every day. Since I told the store owner I was quitting he isn't ordering for me anymore so at last count I had 7 packs. It makes me nervous. I like smoking. Vaping is ok, but it's not the same.
I'm feeling pressured to quit since my last smoker friend quit. He's the one who ordered the phallus for me btw. I don't like being bullied, and that's how I'm feeling right now so I want to rebel and say "Hell NO", but I know it's good for me and all that. Days I have laid off smokes, I've been breathing better, so I'm gonna do it. Dammit, I'm gonna kick and scream, but I will.

Since I've Been Asked

No I haven't quit. I just don't have too much to say these days. Or, actually, I just don't say much of anything these days. I spend too much time away, where I drink way too much and by the time I get home, it's pretty much all over.

I spend most nights having dinner at The Asshole's house. Dinner means, a shitload of beer, at least a couple of shots of tequila, and whatever culinary dish she saw on the Food Network that day. Oh, and Jeopardy! Baby.

It's a new rut, and one I need to get out of because besides the fact that I drink way more, I'm gaining weight and I'm really happy skinny (er).

Going housesitting tomorrow so that'll help, but I still have to hang around here because Annie is always in Tn on weekends since her Dad died. Still a bunch of sad about that.
Anyway, off to probably sleep soon because I'm a tired puppy, I'm still too old for this shit.

Shocked and Sad

A friend who I don't see often, but a friend nonetheless, wound up in the Emergency Room over the weekend. Cryptic messages from other friends on facebook got the point across that he was beaten up.

Got the whole story today and I'm just appalled. He's a gay man. We all know that, I was afraid some asshole at a bar cleaned his clock because , well, just some asshole at a bar. I've never known him to have a boyfriend, but apparently he's been seeing someone pretty seriously lately so all good.

His brother beat the shit out of him because he brought boyfriend to a family outing. His brother, who knows. Apparently it was ok to know, but not to see.

As bad as it is to be me, I'm thankful my family has let me be me, and accepted whoever I was seeing. Hell, they became family, and still are, whether they're around or not. I can't imagine the hurt he must feel after this.

I'm Sad, and Tired

I think they kinda go together. The tired probably brought on the sad. I did go help Annie with the yard that weekend. This weekend,  I didn't leave the house unless I had to, so my Mom isn't happy. I just needed some down time. I sleep for shit, drink too much and still manage to work, and work my ass off while I'm there, so I dunno.
I need to change something because there's no joy in my life right now. I had it for a minute or 2 when I got the car, and now poof. I'm making an appointment with the Dr. just because I haven't visited one in quite awhile so maybe a blood test can tell me if there's something going on besides just me being crazy.
I'm really tired of this shit. So, now that we're all caught up, I'll go play games or something and go to bed. YAY!

So Here I Am

I've been away too long. I've missed this place. I can say whatever I want here, I can't really do that anywhere else these days because someone is sure to get their panties in a wad.
Annie is having a hard time with her Dad's death. Hell, I'm having a hard time with it, but our "friends" are all, "it's your birthday, come party and leave that all behind." They seem to forget her mom is home alone, and there's stuff to be done, and yes, I realize we are both probably a little too focused  on that right now, but it is what it is.
I also know I may call Annie in the morning and tell her I'm too tired to come help do stuff, but right now my plan is to get up and go help out so she can take her mom to something she enjoys.

So this day is ending for me because I am beat to hell. I've got to get some sleep. Our friends can fend for themselves. Lately I'm not liking them much anyway. Maybe it's just the situation, we've all been moody for one reason or another, but I'm tired of the bullshit.

Night kids.

Because I Can

I've gotten a couple of texts from Annie tonight, she's just now getting that yep, he's gone and things are different. It's kinda her first rodeo, she hasn't lost anyone close until now. I'm glad for her for that, but it's a whole different world too.
In the South at least it's like a Carnival. Someone dies and there are people, and food, and someone cleans your floors, and takes out your trash, and it's still, just people all the time. And you're gracious and thankful for those people just because it's what you do. And they're there because that's what they do. Then the funeral is over, the tents get packed up, and everyone goes home. You're in a house that used to have another person in it, wondering what the hell went on.
Make a pot of coffee and take a cup out to him because you forgot, want to say something, and they're not there. Look up at the chair he always sits in while you're in the garden, and he's not there.
It takes a minute, and the sad sets in. It takes a long time for that to go away, but eventually you learn, and you deal, and they're still missed, but it's not a heart stopping moment every time.

I hope the healing starts really soon for everyone.

Goodbye to a good man

I loved Annie's dad. Apparently it was reciprocated. Last year Annie told me he worried about sending me  an X-mess present, which was new, but sure as shit, he sent me a card and some money. Same thing this year. Think it's because I spent so much time up there while I was unemployed and we got to know each other a little better. (Ok, I wasn't in my "don't speak to me" shell anymore.) I've always thought a great deal of both of her parents, but him especially because he was quiet, and sometimes others don't get us.

He was laid to rest today, he will be missed greatly by a lot of people. I wish his family peace. And I'll be around since his wife said She, Annie and I are planting the garden this year, so if y'all need some 'maters I can probably hook you up :)

I'm Offensive

Offender, Offendiverodorous? I dunno. I made a crack about Zombie Jesus and ham.........Apparently that makes me persona non grata. Oh Well.
I have religious  friends, and Republican friends, and I'm able to look past that. Apparently they are sometimes not able to look past my I don't give a shit, so they'll cease to be friends.

Sad Day

A Husband, Father, and Friend left today. Annie's father has been sick for awhile. At least he's not suffering anymore because he did a lot of that recently.

I'm sad, but glad, and I hate both feelings right now.

Discord

I haven't heard a peep, but I'm pretty sure there was a major fight at The Asshole's house Sunday night. Annie seemed a bit put out she wasn't invited over there yesterday, I don't ask, so I was good with it. We went over for dinner tonight and  things were a bit tense to me. Annie doesn't notice anything, and I'm not saying anything to her because she's her. She'd ask, and I don't think things are good enough to talk about with us yet. I said thanks for dinner after we cleaned up the kitchen, and got the hell outta there because it seemed like a good idea.
If , and probably, there was a fight, I got brought into it because I took her to a bar while he was golfing. Her idea, but I was still complicit in her drunkenness, even tho she was trashed when I picked her up. And he was completely hammered when he got home, and I said "Hi' and took off because I knew there was a thunderhead looming. I feel bad because I do love them both. But yeah, the winds, they are a changing.

I think I'll be doing the home thing for a few days because I need to anyway. Also got a message earlier that something might be wrong with Dad, but of course he never tells me anything so I have to check in with him. And Mom, she had a Dr. visit today about her boobs, and I think I need to go to bed and hug my pussy since he's sleeping with me again. Maybe the world will right itself tomorrow.

Sun was Shining

I put a bunch of music on a usb disk and went for a drive. It was awesome. I love my car, it turns like the Jeep, and it zooms. 9 speakers were awesome while I was zooming around. Sun was shining, I was singing, it was a good day.

I haven't felt this good in a long time. I need to do this more often.

Poetic Justice

I've been actually friending some people from my old High School about a reunion I have no intention of going to, but it's been kinda fun to see what they're up to. I left said school when I was a Sophomore because of bullshit about me being gay. Ok, I ran away from home to be with my one true love. I was an idiot. On the other hand, if I hadn't gotten out, I might have tried to conform and be even more miserable than I am now lol.

That was the intro to the real story. I was on probation at that point in  my life because my mother couldn't/wouldn't get it, so shit was done and there I was. My probation officer was happily planning her wedding to the Macho Cop during this time. Bride magazines were all over her office when I went to see her.

I did my time, ran away for the last time for that love we won't speak of again and a few years later heard that probation officer came home one day to find Macho Cop Husband in bed with a Macho Cop he'd been working with. It was more funny to me because the night of my arrest that led to the bullshit, he was standing in the corner while she went through my shit, and I knew he wasn't really that Macho.

I was 16 when this happened so it did make my 19 yr old self laugh because she was a seriously homophobic bitch, I just didn't know the word for it back then.

Anyways, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, and putting my ass in the bed soon. I just needed to get that outta my system.

So it's not a Camaro

I wanted a Camaro, I drove one, liked it, but it was like the QE2 so I got over it.
I got small, and comfy, and OMG I love it. I zip, zoom and I'm gonna get great gas mileage when I get over blowing people off the road in it.

Ain't Gonna Believe This

Dad bought me a car. I can't tell facehell about that yet  because of Mom, but WOOHOO! I'll have a new car hopefully Monday. They had to go find my color, and manual tranny, and yeah I got some bells and whistles because I could. I can't stand myself right now. Hopefully I can afford to get the Jeep's engine rebuilt now since I have something to drive and I'll be in car heaven :)

Taxes

I did mine, sort of, tonight. The state wants half an arm. I don't get it. If I take any more money out of my check I won't be able to feed the cat. All my plans for that whopping 300 I'm getting back from federal just went out the window. Bastids. Time to sleep since I have to go back to the shitty job tomorrow.

I bitch, it sucks to be me, but I know it could be worse. At least I have a shitty job, because I was about ready to slit my wrists when I didn't have one. At least then I got a refund dammit.

LOL, so it goes.........now I really will go to bed.

I know Better

I went to The Assholes for lunch, it turned into dinner. I knew better, but still did it. I don't like them too much because they're always drunk. Me being there turns into me being drunk.
Babysis called, needed something, then threw the dog at me. Yes, the dog has lost a lot of her quality of life.
I love that dog, and it pained me to tell her yes, she should do it. I'm crying and playing Doom because it's too early for me to go to sleep. I think I'll go shoot a few more things and go to sleep anyway.

Music

I'm listening to Melissa Etheridge for some reason tonight. I used to belong to her fan club, followed her everywhere, I got over her at some point apparently. Guess I need to take that Brave and Crazy tag off my Jeep too, HA.
Annie came through and asked me if Melissa was touring, cuz we saw her a hundred times back in the day. I kinda blinked and told her "Dunno, I haven't kept up with her in a while."

One of those things that used to mean a lot to me, and I don't go there much anymore. I was all about music, listened to it constantly, found new artists I liked. I guess I got old. I don't do it anymore. The last person other than Adele that I've paid any attention to is Lissie, and she sounds a lot like a young Melissa Etheridge so that may be why.

Up and Down

I spent yesterday with a bunch of 7 yr olds because my mother decided Spawn should have a Xmess party. It wasn't horrible, the kids had a good time. Spawn and I played and had a good time last night and this morning, so it was a success. Babysis and I caught up a bit last night after Spawn finally settled, all in all,  a good weekend.
Went to see Dad after I left there today because it's been way too long and I'd gotten a couple of messages from him saying it's been way too long. We're just kinda hanging out watching bad westerns on tv when he tells me to start looking for a new vehicle, that's my Xmess present. I think I looked like a goldfish for a bit, then got over it. That was the Up.

I came home. It was downhill from there.

Not Giving A Shit

A comment earlier made me think. Apparently I haven't done much of that lately. Nope, I don't give shit about much lately. I work, I try to get thru my Monday to Friday, and then I'm done. I'm too old for this shit.
Or too young for this shit. I used to be passionate about music, I don't care anymore.
I used to be a lot of things I'm not anymore. Hellmart has sucked the life out of me.
I need to find my passion again.
After some sleep, lots of it. Some fool is having a Halloween party at noon because she has nothing better to do, and I have the perfect costume after I did think about it. I may pass on the whole mess. We'll see after some sleep. My weekends haven't been mine lately and I'm feeling the need for one where I can do what I want instead of what everyone else wants. We'll see how that goes.