Funeral home

Two dykes accompanied by a very tall black man in rural Alabama will garner a few OMG looks. Just sayin.

A game

So far I've only been able to kill off 70% of the world, but I'll keep trying.

Liz is 75???

She looks pretty good for her age.

Out of sorts

A co-worker's wife decided this weekend was a good time to blow her head off. Things ain't been quite right since. I heard it at the party Saturday, Annie called around and confirmed it Sunday. Yesterday and today were spent pretty much just waiting around since at least for a day, it was speculated that he helped her along.
I've known him for 20 years or so, his last wife was a good friend and Annie and I hung out with them a lot, hell we vacationed together for years. After their divorce, she moved out of state and that was pretty much it.
This wife worked with us for a few months, they hooked up, and life went on...until now. She had issues, mental and physical, but I don't know if anyone saw this coming.
Anyway, definitely not my usual boring tripe. I believe I'll go have another beer.

Can't make this shit up

Culled from the local newspaper.

A domestic argument on Gallatin Street ended with a person being assaulted with an ironing board.

Etheridge won an Oscar

OMG. I told Annie and she was shocked, she asked for what movie, I dunno, but her ass is huge. Annie tells me her ass was always huge, I counter with well, maybe, but when I was in love with her I didn't notice, now I don't fucking care.
She fell out of favor with me when she lost her talent and married the 12 yr old.

Now I may have to give up my crush on Judi Dench for Helen Mirren. Well, she has been a separate crush, Judi wasn't there tonight so I think I'm safe with Helen. Good speech too.

Party

We made it on time, I was shocked. The weather was ugly and it was gonna get uglier there than here, so we stayed a couple of hours and came home. Party animals home by 9pm, sad.

Women...

We're going to a party tonight at a friend's house. I told Annie and Lucy I wanted to leave by 6 since she lives out in the sticks. Annie is about halfway dressed, Lucy hasn't even had a shower yet. I think we're gonna be late.
Lucy is still bitching about her new top that she was going to wear. WAS since it wouldn't fit over her boobage, now it looks like Annie is wearing it. I guess I'll have another bloody mary while I wait since Lucy is driving and it looks like I'm going to be sitting here for a bit.

Chocolate attack

The girls are on a diet. They made it 5 hours before Lucy threw some brownies in the oven tonight. I'm so proud.

Hello Pot, Kettle here

Could you please refrain from coming into my office and making comments about the "junk" I have sitting around before I make use of the softball bat I keep in the corner?
Thanks.

A Thursday

Annie and I met The Widow at Hooter's, this is becoming our every other week thing. Philly Cheesesteak, OMG. Good shit. Lucy was supposed to join us, but of course work fucked her over and she had to stay there. Assholes.
So then we went to The Dive to throw some darts...
There is a guy who comes in occasionally, I haven't seen him in months, but he's been around lately. The grapevine told me that back in the day, before darts were a cable event, he was a pro. He was in the top 20 players in the country.
He's a very sweet man, I like him a lot. We had a great time, he beat the shit out of me multiple times, with 2 darts, left-handed. I have beaten him before, it's just been awhile. I'm not great, but I'm usually decent. I also like playing someone much better than me because I like the challenge. He told me more than once, "The dart Goddess is not on your side tonight." You can see why I like him.
I stayed out way too late. Yay, Lucy is calling so I can tease her about hOOters and go bed. Have a good night kids.

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...

Gunman kills 2 clowns in Colombian circus

Story Highlights• Unidentified gunman shoots two clowns before audience at Circo del Sol de Cali
• One clown was killed instantly, and the second died the next day
• Police probe motive behind killings in small Colombian town near Venezuela

Guess he didn't think they were funny.

Clowns creep me out.

Uh Oh

I'm in trouble. I forgot Lucy and I were supposed to babysit Spawn this weekend. My friend who quit work and left me here all alone is having a Mardi Gras party Saturday night. I told her I'd be there. Maybe I'll make Lucy call Mom and tell her...

Bracelets

I have a shitload of silver bracelets, and I've worn them all at one time or another, many at once even. Tonight, I put together one I got in the mail that I couldn't remember about. It was a piece of string with beads and a silver piece in the middle. Turns out, it's to raise awareness about cervical cancer. I can deal, and it's pretty beads and string. I'm a tree-hugging-hippie in case you didn't know, so I'll wear it along with my red rubbber Heart Association bracelet that I've worn for a year or so. I don't think other people notice as much as they did when I wore all the silver, but it makes me feel better so...fuck everybody else.

Panty Raids

I've noticed lately that I buy new drawers, and they suddenly disappear. Not all of them mind you, just a couple. I'm pretty sure choochoobear is not stealing my H*nes to sell on ebay so...either the girls are hawking them, or The Handsome Devil is crossdressing while we're at work. Of course, I have the same problem with socks, but I always find one of them somewhere.
Things that make you go hmmmm.

Now, I'll bitch

I became rather intoxicated yesterday evening, (I was shitfaced). Around 9pm there was someone knock, knock, knocking on the door (beating it off the fucking hinges). I asked Annie to please see who was stopping by so late ("Hey, answer the fucking door, it's probably your crazy ex"). Lo and behold, it was local law enforcement answering a 911 call. (Glad I kept my stupid ass away from the door). Annie informs them that no, we did not make such a call, it was probably next door since they have a history of such (Fucking idiots). After everything calms down I go out on the front porch for a smoke (being nosy) and a few people (over a dozen) across the street are in the yard having a minor disagreement(screaming and breaking shit). This goes on for a few minutes (an hour at least, I smoked 3 times). I was about to go back into the house to peruse some fine old books (smut) when a lady steps into the yard and asks to use my phone to call law enforcement since the disagreement has escalated into name-callinig (breaking more shit). I tell her I'll be happy to make the call for her (once I get safely inside). Annie is already on the phone when I get in the house. I have no idea what happened after that, but the idiots are still living there as of today.
I really wish she'd just sell that fucking house rather than renting it out to every idiot that comes along.

Nevermind

I was going to bitch, but after reading this...

Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, February 18:

Tidying up the surrounding chaos also means you cut off a good number of nascent possibilities. Learn to make your peace with the mess that's in your immediate vicinity. Sooner or later, you'll see what you should do.

Completely worthless

I haven't accomplished a damned thing today, it was wonderful. We watched movies all afternoon. Annie and I did do a bit of housecleaning while Lucy was out shopping, but not much. I grilled filet, Lucy made mashed potatoes, I'm still miserable.
Lucy just got up and said she was going to "Whack off a hotdog". Ok..... she could have chosen a better term for removing a frozen hotdog from the pack, but who am I to judge? Right now we're watching First Wives Club, this will probably be the end of the marathon. Have a good Sunday kids.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention, we have some sort of turtle squares, krispy treats, and cheesecake courtesy of Lucy since she and Annie are going on a diet next week. I may be looking for a place to stay next weekend. It's gonna be ugly around here if these 2 don't have sugar.

Some Like It Hot

Good movie. 500 channels and this is the only thing on this morning. Oh well, I can deal with it. I've only seen it a hundred times, 101 won't hurt anything. Of course, it is slowing down progress. I need to get a haircut and go grocery shopping,but it'll have to wait.
Maybe I'll hit the movie store and rent some more old movies since it looks like a lazy day around the Wolf house.

Gift

I believe I'm going to have to order these for The Princess, then maybe he'll leave mine alone.

Not a bad day

It has turned out to be an eventful day. Annie and I did throw darts, (kicked her ass), The Queen and The Princess beat both our asses. The Princess paid our tab, since we all love each other and all (even tho I threatened to set him on fire since he'd burn longer than The Queen and I was cold). Yes, I'm a bitch, my friends already know this, they wouldn't expect anything less from me. I did apologize to The Queen after I used a derogatory comment about him, I amended it to "fucking f*g" and we were all happy.
I talked to Lucy just recently and found out she and Annie have been texting today. Bitches.
Apparently there will be a slumber party sometime in March where I will be the only one even close to young enough to participate in such a thing. Sounds like fun.

Don't you love it when I'm waiting for Lucy to call? She was on a break earlier, so now I'm waiting for her to call back so I can bitch some more about the texting. She and Annie like each other just a bit too much.

In other news, I went out to smoke earlier and there was a cop car on the street, not sure if it was for next door or across the street. I love my neighborhood. Still better than my apartment tho. My porchlight was out all the fucking time, and the night I came home to dogshit on the doorstep that was not left by the dog convinced me to move.

Happy V.D.

to anyone who gives a shit. I was only excited about today because my favorite bartender was cooking dinner tonight. WAS. He called earlier, he's sick, poor baby.

I guess this means I'll be throwing darts since there won't be too many couples celebrating the day in the dive. Of course I could go to friday's and play trivia and make fun of people since this is one of those days of the year that people who normally don't go out to eat will show up. We'll see how desperate I am for entertainment by the end of the day.

Sushi anyone?

Shamelessly stolen from here.

I don't really like sushi, but if I could visit here, I might change my mind.

Disclaimers

I guess I should have done this a long time ago. Brooklyn asked me if the post about idiots was true, or if I was just looking for a laugh. Unfortunately, it was true.
I'm guilty of occasionally embellishing, or leaving out pertinent information, but other than that, it's pretty much true to life. Case in point, Annie and Lucy. The events and dialog are true, my reaction to it, well, I do tease them about it, but I know there is nothing going on there so it's all cool. Lucy tends to put her foot in her mouth a bit, and I'm not above using that for my own amusement.
So. Now that that's all cleared up, anyone need a swamp in Nebraska? ;)

Hair

Apparently I don't get out in the real world enough. I work and play, pretty much the same places with the same people, all good. I refuse to go to Wally world unless it's an emergency. I grocery shop under protest, if I didn't, I'd never have anything to drink or eat in the house so I at least do that.
Annie, Lucy and I went out for breakfast after work Saturday. We're talking 12:30-1:00pm and I could not believe the number of people who couldn't be bothered to comb their hair. C'mon people, it's bad enough I can't move without bumping into you while I'm waiting 30 minutes for a table, but I really don't need to see that rat's nest on the back of your head. Waving a brush over the front doesn't count, if you can't be bothered to do anything about the shit, at least wear a hat. I look like a troll doll when I get up, but I try to do something about it, or put a ballcap on it before I go out in public. Geeze.

Babysitting

Lucy and I went to Armpit last night to babysit Spawn while Baby Sis worked. I changed my first diaper in 30 something years (yes, I managed to not do that for 8 months, Mom said I had to last night.) I did ok. He was great, he was fun, and he only puked on me twice. I'm in love.
Today, we came home early so Lucy could get home and go to work and Annie tells me at 1:30 that we need to go meet The Dirty Old Man to throw some darts. Ok. At 3:15 Annie is FUBAR. I brought her home and went back out to play some trivia where I met up with The Ladies. They weren't quite right today either, is it me? I know I didn't miss a full moon.

A Lucy Story

When I lived in the apartment, all alone, Lucy would show up occasionally just because. Sometimes she would be able to get off work and she would come there just to hang out and relax. Actually, she got in quite the habit of it, but I digress. Sometime or another she was watching "Leave It To Beaver", I mentioned that June was pretty hot in those pearls. Silly me. A couple of weeks or so later, Lucy called and said she didn't have to work, she was going to come over and cook dinner for me. YAY!
She's a great cook. I came home from work to find Lucy in my kitchen in heels, an apron, lacy red underwear and pearls. She was holding a beer and asking how my day was, and dinner was almost ready, I was in heaven.
I still have whiplash. She says she almost broke her neck getting the beer when she heard me coming up the stairs, so I guess we're even.

Good day

I had a good day. Work has been kicking my ass lately. Today, I pretty much read webcomics. YAY. Annie and I met The Widow at Hooter's after work and then went on to throw darts. The Princess and The Queen were both out tonight. I threatened to set The Queen on fire but The Princess pointed out that he was already flaming, so that would be redundant. It was a fun night.
The Handsome Devil wanted to dance when I got home, but Annie kinda ruined that, he wasn't into a threesome. I think her cleaning his ears might have turned him against her. Fascinating shit isn't it?
I'm waiting for Lucy to call so I can finally pass out, she worries if I don't answer. It's only Thursday and I have to work Saturday too, poor me. This pimple on my ass is getting on my last nerve too, just so you know.
I never promised you a rose garden. (Can't remember who sang that either, but I was a kid so it was a 70's song)country, female, dammit, I'm a trivia queen too. I'll have to think or google.
Ok, I googled, Lynn Anderson. Now it's stuck in my head. Dammit. Lucy needs to save us all from me by picking up the fucking phone and calling me. I'll tell you a story about her tomorrow.

A Favor

I need someone to take out a couple of people in TN. Lucy says I can't since she actually likes one of them. They're after the job Lucy needs to have, so gentle hurt will work, if they're not there they can't do it. I mentioned limited wheelchair time, but was still cut down. If, however, they met with an accident that didn't involve me, all would be good.

Huh?

We couldn’t think of a band more deserving of the lullaby treatment than Pink Floyd. The sounds of this legendary group speak to the parts of the brain that are wide awake during that lovely dream state called REM. They are musical journeys to the bright side of the moon and beyond. While your child is comfortably sleeping, these lullabies will work to open their mind’s eye as only Pink Floyd can. Your crazy little diamond is going to shine on in a dreamland courtesy of Baby Rock. You’re gonna wish you were there.
More here.

Annie's got her groove on

I must mention this, as much as it pains me. Annie has kicked my ass throwing darts the last couple of days. She's ecstatic. I'm happy for her, even though it's at my expense. I taught her to play and we both enjoy it so... Tomorrow is another day.

More work shit

The owner asked me for a report today, told me what he wanted, no biggie. I get voicemail 3 minutes before time to go home. It wasn't what he wanted. I'm glad I wasn't in my office to actually answer the phone. I probably would have told him, "Well that's what you asked for, I'm sorry I left my ability to read minds in my other pants this morning." It's also the same thing I gave him last month that he thought was just wonderful. I don't know why I bother.

Entitlement issues

This occurred to me last week when I was sitting in traffic on the way to work because of a wreck, and tonight just reinforced my feelings. Some people think they're better than the rest of us. Wherever they have to be is more important than where I have to be, their needs or wants are much more important than mine. I think they're just fucking rude.
Examples: Traffic- I came off the exit, saw the mess, had nowhere to go so I waited until some kind soul let me in line. 10 other people flew by all of us in the breakdown lane, trying to get further ahead so they could also wait in traffic. Fuckers.
Tonight. Annie and I got to the bar early and grabbed a table while we threw darts since we were expecting company (who didn't show btw, more rude behavior). I left to go get smokes and came back to a bunch of people with chairs all pulled up around our area with their shit scattered all over our table because they didn't have one of their own. Annie was throwing darts so she wasn't actually sitting at the table, but our stuff was there. She had already had a confrontation with some assholes, so it was time to come home.
To these people: I'm sorry your Mommy spoiled you and convinced you that you were the King/Queen of the universe. It isn't so. You are a fucking boil on the ass of society. My mother taught me manners and respect for other people. If she hadn't I'd probably be ripping your fucking head off right now. Good Day.

Ye of little faith

Thank you all for your encouragement and lack of faith in my abilities about dinner,it means a lot.
Syd, I DID NOT fuck up the prime rib. It was delicious.
Sassy, Yes, she did:)
Sharon, it's not hard if you have step by by step instructions from Lucy.

So, I managed a decent dinner between Lucy and the Green Giant. We'll aim higher next time, but it was cool.
There was a lot of sharing tonight over wine and celery waiting for that damned meat to cook. We had a great time. We're talking about another dinner and pajama party lol. Should be interesting.

I hate Lucy's job

Lucy decided instead of going out for dinner with the girls this month she wanted to cook. Great, everything is set with the girls, she has a fabulous menu set. Then she finds out late Thursday night that she has to work tonight. Not great. It was too late to cancel because the prime rib was already thawing. Guess who will be cooking the fabulous meal tonight? Yeah, the woman who can't make toast without getting 3rd degree burns. Needless to say, the menu has been scaled back quite a bit from the original plan. I'll let you know how it goes.

Gotcha

It's Friday night, I bet you thought you were safe from my inane view on the world. Guess what? I'M HOME. I have no excuse really, except Lucy seems to be a good influence on me, and it sounds like she's here, brb
Well that happy horseshit was more than an hour ago, so now I've lost my train. I really had something funny to tell you about too, but oh well. I guess you'll have to survive without me at least until later.
Nevermind, it seems Lucy has wrecked my train. Peace.

A must have

I believe I've found my birthday present.


Of course, I kinda like this too.

Both can be found here.

No, He did not

The Handsome Devil just took a shit and had to turn around and smell it. Usually he just runs away looking pleased with himself. This one must not have been high enough on the stink-o-meter. It must be a man thing. When we had co-ed restrooms at work (meaning 1 seaters in the middle of a warehouse) a couple of the guys would come out and announce to the whole building that "You might not want to go in there for an hour or 2." No wonder I'm a lesbian.

Lift its anyone?

I think I hurt myself laughing at this

Idiots

I'm busy as shit today, but I just have to share this one.

Idiot: I need a new keyboard
Me: Ok, what's up?
Idiot: My $ doesn't work, all I get are 4's.
Me: Are you holding "shift" when you hit the 4 key?
Idiot: Nevermind.