There's A Light...

...over at the Frankenstein place. That's because there ain't one here yet. Same old shit plus getting runaround from Dr. because his docs didn't back up the restrictions he gave me to go back to work, so I'm gonna miss out on that last paycheck because short term disability is about to run out. My dumb ass never thought I'd need more than 6 weeks off, much less 6 months, so I didn't sign up for long term. I forgot I'm an old lady now and shit might happen. Oh well. It is what it is.
I'm tired of whining and crying about the shit because there's nothing at all I can do about it, so fuck it. I'll make it one way or another.
Now I think I might try to sleep again, I went to bed earlier but everything hurt so I got back up, made breakfast and coffee, had both and went back to beer just because I could.
Have a good day kids, I'm sure I'll be a ray of sunshine again soon.

Fomer Workplace is Kinda Not Yet

Can't work with the restrictions, but not completely let go yet. Manager I talked to, talked to Store Manager I don't know and convinced him to approve a personal leave after my Disability leave runs out. I think I can get by with my share of the insurance while out on that, (so did she) so we'll see. Finally getting my shit together for SS disability because I may need it for reals.
We'll see how it goes.

Well, That Was Nice

Ortho was very nice when he told me my options were have more surgery, or he has to release me to go back to work, and let them decide if I'm still a viable member of society or not. I don't think he'll be getting an X-mess card this year.
I couldn't deal with going to the workplace today because I was bummed, and Frankenfoot was alive and well. I figure if I can walk into the place looking like I'm not completely incapacitated..........yeah, who am I kidding. No way in hell right now. I can't get out of the house without the cane because my balance is so bad, it looks like I'm drunk all the time.
Family Dr. called, I have no Vitamin D so I'll pick up a supplement while I'm at the soon to be former job tomorrow.
Other than that, Annie has been really awesome, and that's about the only good thing these days. If she wasn't so supportive I probably would have blown my head off long before this. I think she's staying in the living room with me to make sure I don't kill myself tonight lol.
Not funny, but it's crossed my mind to check out. But I can't. Besides my family, Cat would never forgive me, I'm his Human.

Anyway, that's that for today. There may be some crying tomorrow after I actually visit the soon to be former workplace. Have a good night kids.

I Really Hate Doctors

Been to the family Dr. after Ortho said Frankenfoot wasn't his problem. She says it's nerve damage (pending bloodwork to rule other things out) which does make it his problem, so here I am. At least I see him Tuesday, and should get bloodwork results then or before, and it doesn't really matter because either way, I'm still pretty much fucked. It's my problem in the end because dammit, I can't do shit.
Had a bad day, everything felt pretty good, thought I could clutch enough to drive my car. Didn't really want to go anywhere, just wanted to. Hit clutch a few times, decided it would be supremely unwise to get on the road, and came back inside where everything that felt pretty fine started to hurt.
I'm tired of being a crybaby, but I'm really tired of not being able to do anything either.

Guess That Settled That

After 6 hours out and about I had to come home and take a nap. Then I had to have another nap a few hours later. This morning my foot is about  3 times it's normal size. There's no way in hell I'll be able to go back to work. I'm having coffee with a beer chaser for breakfast before I have another nap, hopefully in my bed this time to see if that helps anything. Will have to arrange transportation to the other Dr. before I see the Ortho again to see what she thinks. Reading posts on the Internet is a dangerous and scary thing. Some say it is related to surgery, others, not so much, but either way, there's a problem. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm sure there will be more shits and giggles before it's over. Wheeeeee!

Whining Revisited

I'm a week from seeing Dr. again, I AM better, I'm just not good. And according to last visit, my swollen foot that's impeding progress is not his problem. It didn't do that before surgery, but he says I need to see my family Dr. because it could be a number of other things, mostly involving vital organs. Nice. If vital organs are fucked up it's probably from the plethora of pills I've been on for months now because I don't take drugs. LOL. Ok, I didn't. Now I do.
They aren't working as well as they used to either so I'm not taking so many because what's the point?  Oh yeah, one of them stops me from crying when the lightning bolt shoots out of my foot, sometimes.
Sooooo, back to Dr. visit. He's probably gonna tell me I can go back to work. Work disability runs out soon. Besides the fact that my job is no longer my job, I can't function in polite society for more than a couple of hours at a time without crying in pain. I've tried to party, it ain't working.
I had a good day and told Annie I was all good, work had to find something for me and if I could do it for 3 months I could take another leave to take care of foot, or whatever else is going on and she said "And then apply for permanent disability."
She, my mom, and my sister have been on that bandwagon since the beginning of this bullshit, and I'm starting to think they may have something. I don't like it, I never have, but hell, I'm pretty much useless still.
 True test will be Tuesday when I take another friend to a Dr. Appt. I'll probably be there all day. I hope they'll give me a shot on her tab while I'm there, because I''m pretty sure it's gonna be ugly.
Rambling, I know. Surgery was supposed to fix me. It didn't. The fact that he was talking about more surgery at my last visit pretty much used up my trust in him. But I've got to have a job, and insurance and all that good shit because I'm already in debt because of this with insurance.
Good thing is beer and smokes will go out the window before I'll let Cat starve.
Ok, I'm tired of my own whining so I'll stop. I need to cut my nails too because my typing sucks, and I've gotta figure out how to shave my legs without killing myself. Night kids.

Whining

I've been having a few months here. I try not to say much on FB because there are people with chronic pain living with their shit every day. Same with cancer, far as I know I don't have any and lots of people are dealing with that every day. I didn't crow about moving my pinky toe the other day because some people never will. I'm just tired of the I'm supposed to get better, and it's not happening much. I'm tired of hurting every day, and tired of not being able to do shit for myself, and all back to, I'm supposed to be getting better and be able to do shit again. It's not happening. I'm running out of time on my disability, so I'm either gonna be unemployed, or trying to get temporary disability because I can't even do a desk job right now, I'm pitiful. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm trying to take care of as much as I can financially while I still have some income since I may not have any next month. After that, Annie will take care of me and Cat as best she can, but she really shouldn't have to and I'm back to being so fucked.
Rant for the night. Probably be another coming soon.

One of My Old Girls is Dying

We have outside dogs. Mom and her pup. Pup is 10  now and Mom is suddenly not doing too well.
I'm  a bit more upset than Annie seems to think is warranted, but I'm all like that.
I'm also just a mess of upset these days so there we go,

Here We Go Again

So. 3 weeks after back surgery, here I am. I'm pitiful, I hurt, I'm depressed, and yesterday I realized I'm Lucy when she was re-habbing here. I got so mad because it was a constant cycle of stupid tv and playing games on her phone. I'm doing the same thing because now I see. There's really nothing else you can do. I sleep when I can, eat when I have to because the plethora of pills is killing me, but nope, nothing fun, nothing new, might as well just go with mindless as she called it. She was right.
At this point, I don't see me getting well enough to work again, which is unaccepatable to me, but there it is.
I'd pretty much quit smoking on the vapor, but I'm back to being a smokestack because I'm bored and cigarettes and caffeine seem to help more than alcohol. Kinda scary. Anyways, that's the latest, I usually just sit here with my phone or tablet instead of my computer. Tonight I went old school because I can't type for shit on either of those. Later kids.

It's Tuesday.

I work, I do more than I'm supposed to do at work because I'm me. I tried for a transfer to the place my other manager went. Nothing happened. He called again today to talk to The Idiot.
I'm hurt. Apparently she has a chance to go somewhere else, and I don't.
Bit down about it, but I'll reach out. I really don't want this to be the end of my being.

I am on my way to something better, so I'm all good now.

Might Get Scary

Things ain't been right, but I've been tired and stressed and all that so I haven't paid much attention.
Today I did really stupid shit 3 times. I don't remember what the first one was, and the last one took me awhile to recognize. Since I don't remember the first, the last  was opening microwave popcorn before putting it in the microwave. I did it twice, couldn't figure out what was happening. A bit later it dawned on me.
Think I may have hit my head too many times.

Really?

I was house sitting for a week. I came home to a week's worth of mess because she's an idiot.
I fed her over there because she was there almost every day I was so I'm just having a moment about this.
I don't think she can function on her own.

I'm Irritable

Having one of those. Friday I messed up, manager looked more upset than was warranted. I maintained, other manager who is usually all up in my face never said a word, so may be shit coming Monday.
I was also way more sensitive than I needed to be Friday so hope that's all my imagination and it goes Poof.
It's Sunday and I've been to a new Dive Bar because I was pissed and it was somewhere else to go, and I think I really just need to get a new life.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. It looks like I might. Unfortunately, it's not gonna end the way I wanted.
I should  be looking for something else, but the last fight we had I said |"I don't want a normal relationship, I want you." How fucked up is that.


And there it is. I want familiar instead of good. I'm so fucked.

An Episode

I went to Spawn's football game today, where he was awesome. I'm not sure what happened to me, but it wasn't fun at all. I was hot and sweaty, but suddenly I was blind, even with sunglasses on, everything went white, invisible, and just weird. WebMD says it's anything from an ear infection to a mini stroke. Internet scares the hell outta me too.
I am making a Dr. appt. because it's been too long and I think I would like a warning if I'm gonna kick off. At least I can plan if I'm going somewhere. Ok, that was a "Maybe there's something going on I might need to know about." Massive heart attack that takes me right out is acceptable because I'll never know I left. Plans need to be made if there's a something else going on.
I know I make no sense. And I really need to go to bed. I have to do a family reunion with people I don't know tomorrow.
Let's hope I have an ear infection :)

Stuff and Idiots Round 35

I found out through FB of all places that people I care about called it quits lately. Thanks for letting me know. It made me sad. I understand we don't see each other often, but damn, you're family. Anyway.

Just got a call from Annie. After the knee debacle of the last 3 or so months? She had to have a tooth extracted Friday. Took her got it done, she's been on the couch. Today she decides to go do stuff and I'm doing other stuff cuz I'm really tired of being her slave. Calls me cuz she feels all weird and maybe I need to come get her. "She only took a diet pill." Dumbass. Told her she's only supposed to be taking what she's prescribed at the moment for her mouth and knee. Dumbass.

Get to go back to work tomorrow to I'm not sure what kind of dumbassery because I took off Friday to take Annie to the Dentist so Wheeee!

Hope y'all had a great weekend.

Here We Go Again

I'm off to Armpit tomorrow because Mom is having a procedure Friday. I was hoping to just show up at the place and all that because I'm selfish and don't want to deal. Nope. Hopefully everything will be fine and I'll just be out some sleep and she'll feel better because her oldest daughter spent some time with her.
And yes, I'm a terrible person because I don't spend enough time with her, or Spawn, or anyone else because I am selfish, and tired, and just want to be by myself most of the time. Since that rarely happens, I guess I should go hang out with them more, because hell, I'm never alone at home these days either.
Anyway. If you're here, say a prayer, send a good thought, whatever you do, that Mom will be ok. I'm spineless, but not heartless, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

Think it's Time For The Crutch To Go Too

I gave up my smokes for the vape, so I've been alternating Marlboro and Salem. They both taste like shit. Added menthol to my spearmint vape, it helped for a second, now that tastes like shit again. I think it's time to just give up completely. That was the goal anyway, except I wasn't really on board with quitting, but since I'm here I might as well.
I'm still pissed I let my "So-Called Friends" pick this route for me, but since I started it, I might as well finish it with grace, and flip them off when I'm done. I still have some attitude dammit.

I'm seeing and feeling a lot of things differently these days, probably from all the bullshit over the last couple of months. I guess I needed to put a foot down and hear what they had to say about it instead of just going along playing nice about everything. I've been doing that for too long, and letting myself be manipulated into what I didn't really want to do because it's easier to go along and get along.

Not really worth it anymore.

I Delete, and I should Stop

I write my feelings, I guess I should write them somewhere else because I keep deleting them here. Ok, growing some balls, all stupid shit stays here. I own it no matter what. My mother's influence, wondering what people might think. I don't think I give a shit what people think, but, apparently part of me does. I can say fuck on facebook which pisses off my mother, but when I get real here, I get rid of some of it because somebody might see it.
It's a new ballgame now, sorry kids.

New News

Oncologist doesn't think cancer is back, but biopsy is still coming from other Doc to make sure so still in wait mode.

Oncologist's opinion on fixing things was same as bone doc, so all good. Fingers crossed it works.

Sad beyond sad about Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall. At least she had a long life, I'm sorry he felt the need to end his so early.

Watermelon vapor sucks, and now I'm going to bed. I think I'll buy actual cigarettes tomorrow because I'm not doing any good at the quitting thing, I'm still smoking, but they're not my brand and they suck. I might as well smoke what I want if I'm not giving up, so there we go. All caught up.

Updates are Available

Been quiet for awhile because I've been just not dealing. Lots of shit happened, Mom met car last week because I met her and family for dinner the week before in the Jeep, and he died in the parking lot. Had to get to reunion, so told her about car. She and Dad have had whatever words, I haven't seen him yet and she's been at the beach this weekend.

She's been to the Dr. a few times. Long story short, cancer may be back and in her bones because they're just breaking all on their own. Going to get biopsied soon, was waiting till vacay was over to deal with it.

I was waiting till vacay was over to deal with it too, so tomorrow starts a new worry cycle.

I'm home, hanging with Annie, her gimp was not the fake I thought, she has a fracture so there's ice and her attempting to be really good about staying off it when it suits her and I'm a bit bitter about everything right now so I think I'll stop and go do something else. I have to work tomorrow and it is beating the shit out of me lately.