I know it's wrong but...

Hey Syd, I found us a new t-shirt place.

Little bit of everything

I went out to meet Annie and a couple of other people after work, waited around The Dive for The Dirty Old Man since he had my lottery ticket and wanted to make sure I got it.
I talked to a friend of The Princess who is rarely seen these days because she's upset about her weight gain. She's a beautiful person, smart, funny, engaging...I don't understand. I was out there with the freaks when I was 50 lbs heavier than I am now. I met Lucy then. I don't get the body image thing I guess. I'm me no matter what size I am, if you can't see past my looks then fuck you. Apparently she can't see past her own looks to notice that. That makes me sad, cuz she's a wonderful person.
Lucy went back to knee doc today. 4 more weeks off work. Apparently arthritis is what is fucking with her at the moment, both knees are swelling. She's not a happy camper, and I've given up trying to take care of her, she won't listen.
We're off to Armpit tomorrow to babysit Spawn, and maybe I'll remember to take the fucking camera. Ya'll have a good weekend.

Green Beans

Annie's mom gave us a big bag of fresh green beans when we were there the other day. Annie, being the lazy ass con artist resourceful person she is, managed to get one of the ladies at work to cook them for us. We had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans and cornbread for lunch today. YUM! Of course now I want to work even less than I did before.

I'm Mad

And I don't mean that in the nice British way of saying I'm crazy. I probably am, but that's another post.
I'm mad because it's been a month since Mom was "OMG gonna die" by Dr. Didn't give a shit. Got a biopsy, finally, and it's been 2 weeks since then cuz Dr. Surgeon had to take a week off. Now, NOW, that I put on pants in this 5000 degree heat to go to his office with her to see just WTF we're dealing with, he can't see her.
I know that's not his fault. Emergencies are and always will be.
But HELLO! Mom called me tonight upset because she thinks this means there is nothing they can do because noone is getting in a hurry about it. This shit ain't good for her peace of mind or mine.
I want action dammit, today was supposed to bring about at least a little of that, instead, fucking nothing.
She's hurting more from the stint in the kidney that's trying to keep the tumor from closing everything off than she is from the fucking 8 inch incision in her stomach that cut through everything. Shit ain't good.
Fuck, I'm gonna go chew up this ladder over here, because I'm so pissed I can't even write.

UnFUCKINGbelievable

Dr. had an emergency. Mom's appointment has been rescheduled for Monday. Have I mentioned that I fucking HATE doctors? Yeah, thought so.

I got shit

Earlier I had a phone call, chastising me for not giving you full frontal on the boat pic. Here you go.


Edited to add a better pic. Since it was hotter than Hell this weekend, this one is more appropriate anyway:)

Tomatoes and dinner

Annie's parents have an obscene number of tomatoes right now so we took a trip to pick up a few thousand to make salsa. The fringe benefit of this is her mom cooks dinner for us, real live home cooked veggies from the garden. I made a total pig of myself. Then had to choke down a piece of homemade chocolate pie because, well, it was homemade and her mom is a great cook. I don't remember the last time I ate that much.
Of course looking at tomatoes this morning, we have a bunch, but not really enough to get involved in salsa because that's best done in a very, very large batch while drinking tequila. I'm not sure when we're going to find time to do this, but it looks like another tomato run might be in order.

Pics from the pool party

Me and my boat (that Bitch)

Our bartender/cabana boy

Girls just want to have fun.

Anof of course I was the first to point out the pornographic pool accessories.

Pool Party

We had a fabulous, albeit drunken, time. Nobody drowned, in the pool or in alcohol, so it was all good. I'll post pics tomorrow if I remember to take the camera to work with me. We got there early afternoon, late of course, danced, sang, swam, and laughed until early morning. Everyone except Lucy and I went in the house to watch movies at some point. I floated around in a small boat someone left there most of the evening, beer between my legs and ashtray on my stomach. It was wonderful. Well, until I got out of the boat around 3 am and the bitch attacked me. The boat, not Lucy, we got divorced real quick. Bitch got on my head and tried to drown me. My arms are a bit sore, either from swimming, paddling, or attempting to play drunken pool volleyball.
This morning one of the ladies made breakfast and there were rounds of Mimosas and Bloody Marys, followed by more pool foolishness and me finishing off the champagne. We got home around 3 and I took a much deserved (well needed anyway) nap, started out to play darts with Lucy, decided fuck that, came home and grilled steaks with taters and peppers and now I'm full and miserable.
Hope everyone else had a good weekend. Tomorrow is back to hell and real life. Mom goes to the Dr. Wednesday afternoon for biopsy results so I'm back in worry mode till then. Take care and have a good night kids.

Lucy is a freak

Have I told you that yet? I was gonna blog about the fact that I can make her sweat from 20 feet away, but I just came in from smoking and heard about the conversation she was having with me while I was outside. She didn't really notice I was missing. She thought I was so involved in my blog I wasn't answering. Silly girl should have noticed the lack of smart-ass comments.
She's cooking shit becuase we're going to a pool party/sleepover tomorrow with The Ladies and The Widow. We have an actual bartender since I sent one of The Ladies to her slumber way early last time. I guess I'm not allowed to bartend anymore, they shouldn't have let a beer drinker fix their shit anyway.

I borrowed some nailpolish

I needed to paint my toenails last weekend, Lucy had bought me these really cool, comfortable new sandals. I got in Baby Sis's cabinet and painted my talons, I mean nails. I didn't realize how PINK it was. That day, it was ok, since I was wearing a pink shirt. (Shut up, ya'll know Lucy dresses me, and for some reason she likes me in pink).
Today, I'm looking like a whore in church and people noticed. Damn nailpolish. I'll just go natural from now on, I sure as hell won't wear Crocs.

A Story about my Grandmother

Mom's mom, she was a hoot. She was half Cherokee and at least a quarter Irish. Black hair, green eyes and mean as a snake. Apparently I'm just like her.
She died 2 weeks shy of my 5th birthday. I lived with her and Papaw until then cuz Mom and Dad got divorced when I was 2. She made the greatest cakes, yellow with chocolate icing was my favorite, cocoanut was good too, but not really my thing. She and I fished, hunted, made biscuits together, and I can't make a biscuit now to save my life. She had a big metal bowl, she would mix up the stuff and I would sit in her lap and pat out the biscuits, then she'd put the bowl away, flour still in it, for the next day. I still don't get that.
I'm lucky I have lots of memories.
I was shocked, shocked I tell you when I started school and found out the bedtime stories she told me were written in books. Little Red Riding Hood? There was a book, Tar Baby, Three Little Pigs? OMG.
I would lie in the big feather bed with her and she would tell me a story, every night, after I said my prayers.
She also taught me to play Solitaire and Rook.
And let me cut up apples on the cedar chest while I drank my orange sodas and watched cartoons (as my mother keeps reminding me). I ruined the cedar chest.
Granny was awesome, I wish I'd had her longer.

Drinkikng for charity

Tonight was the Bartender Championship at our local Friday's. They sell seats and auction off stuff and drinks for a charity. It's fun. I was planning to leave before it started because I had a bad day, but stayed and bought something decorative and completely useless before it was all over. Hey, it all goes to charity so it was good. Kids with cancer is worthy of my money. Someone I know dropped a grand at this thing, I felt bad about grumbling about my 40 for seats and 45 for a pretty item. I'm glad that person had the money to spend, and spent it well.
How often do you get to help someone and get shitfaced at the same time?
Priorities people :)

Kinky Kitty?

So it makes sense if you read the explanation below. The pic just cracked me the fuck up.


La Shinda Clark, photographer at The Philadelphia Inquirer and 1995 Scholar, won third place for feature photos in the National Press Photographers Association 2003 Best of Photojournalism contest. In the photo, volunteer Cameron Tarzwell, 13, cleans loose hair that has been shaved from an anesthetized cat, Princess, in preparation for an operation. Tarzwell has been assisting a veterinarian for four years. The photo was one in a picture story on a spaying and neutering program in Chester County in Pennsylvania.

Go Figure

According to experts, I am : 62% Naughty Take the Naughty Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com

Online dating

I came home today, with plans to stay here. You know what they say about "The Best Laid Plans." The Princess met someone online, he called all excited about it. He wanted someone to come out to keep him company since he was nervous about calling the guy and such. I got volunteered. He called, all is good, they'll meet Friday, and I'll probably have to drive to the meeting place to make sure everything is ok.....sounds like guy is looking for a hookup rather than something else. Not my business, but I'd really like for Princess to find a real boyfriend, he's a great guy and deserves better than hookups, and hanging with us, and disrupting my sleep on Saturday mornings to go to breakfast, Geeeze.
I met some freaks online before Lucy came along, I'm not saying she's NOT a freak, she's just the lesser of the evils.
I had never dated, I was 35 and trying to figure out what to do when I hit a dating site and used that to meet people, and OMG, there were people. The Amazon, well, she was just that, we had a night, I saw her a few years later, lots of weight loss later, she remembered my voice, nice woman, but it was a hookup, she had issues at home that complicated things so we didn't see each other again.
The Nurse, we went out a few times, not really my type from the beginning, but we had fun.
Pat, well, I still dunno about that one, she was around for a couple of months, nothing at all there as far as attraction, I think I was just lonely, we hung out at the car wash a lot.
The one that takes the cake was the Preacher with a drug habit. I drove 2 hours to take this woman on a date. We had a decent time, but she was fucking nuts on drugs.
She called me a few months later because she'd cleaned up. Good girl.
I know I talked to a lot more that didn't work out, met a couple, and along comes Lucy. We talked online for about 3 months before we ever met. Blind, we'd never shared pictures or anything, she thought I didn't like her because I'm not as chatty in person as I am when I'm hiding behind a computer.
A few months after all that, history was made.
I see I've lost the original train here, I don't want The Princess to get hurt, but he'll have to figure that out on his own. I hope this guy is nice and it works out, but I'm not gonna put money on it.

Question of the day

"I like so and so's keyboard better than mine, can you come up and swap them?"

I've done it again

The Widow is officially hooked on darts. I met her for a drink after work and told her I was going to The Dive later to meet Annie so she showed up there after dinner and kept me out way later than I meant to stay. It's all good, we had fun. I have no idea how she manages to throw wearing high heels, but anyway, she's not bad for a beginner. She hugged me and told me she loved me like one of her kids before I left, she's a very sweet woman. She only has 1 actual kid, but she's adopted half of the city unofficially so I'm in good company.
I actually got to Hell on time today, thats a feat in itself lately. I'm fucking exhausted. I do believe I will go home and cook dinner and take my ass to bed this evening. Yeah, not likely to happen, but I can dream.

The best part of my weekend

Mom Finally came out of the closet

Yes, she finally gave up her inhibitions and became one of the few, the proud, the "I don't give a shit" crowd.
My mother is a smart-ass. I knew, but she hid it so well no-one else did. She was high as hell and mentioning the worst place in the world to eat when we mentioned food Thursday. "Hey, it's just across the street, you should eat there."
She made phone calls lying about her intentions, telling people she wouldn't be leaving the hospital just so she could say "PSYCH". She's out of control.
I'm now officially the worst daughter in the world because she told Step Dad I left her in the middle of the night when I was supposed to be her caregiver. Lie. I did disappear at 5:30 am to smoke because she was asleep, other than that I was there.
I'm now taking my drunk ass to bed. Ya'll have a good night.
Mom won this round.

Annie went to the hospital

Yep, Annie went with me to visit this evening, she mentioned later it was hard not to cuss. Well duh. We're all potty mouths, I try to restrain myself around her, as do my friends obviously.
Why the hell do you think I don't want her reading my blog? The sheer number of "Fuck's" per post would give her a coronary. I could just kill her now by letting her read this shit. I'd rather not, and I did see her ass today, it's prettier than mine dammit.
Fucking old women with no bad habits. ::Wandering her wrinkled old ass towards the bed::

Laundry and sundry

I threw some clothes in to wash this morning since I had fewer things to wear than I thought. I put them in the dryer this afternoon so I could just turn it on when I got home and be halfway done. I washed a partial pack of cigarettes. I know it was partial because there was tobacco everywhere and a few filters hanging around in the washing machine. I've washed an entire pack before, they stay intact, yet soggy.
I'm hoping nothing got stained, ran the washer again to clear out leftovers, and checking the dryer every little bit for tobacco in the filter. I can't believe I washed smokes considering how much they cost these days, geeeze. I've really been drunk.
I didn't realize I was PMSing during all this shit until yesterday, that may have quite a bit to do with it. I'm much calmer now.
Lucy is babysitting Mom tonight, tomorrow is my night. Urologist came by today to tell us they're putting in a stint tomorrow to keep her kidney functioning since the tumor is messing with the flow, damn tumor, and we need that to work for the Chemo. I've called in to work since they have to put her to sleep (again) to do this.
Hopefully she can go home Saturday. I'm off to Elbow and then Armpit tomorrow, so I'll be out of pocket for a few days. Ya'll take care and play nice while I'm gone.

8 Things

So Noname tagged me. Let's see how far I can get.

"Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog."

1. I'm right handed. The only things I can do with my left hand are open beers and unhook bras.
2. When I first started drinking I hated beer, vodka was my drink of choice with or without mixers. Now, other than an occasional foray into something else, I drink beer exclusively.
3. I love to read but haven't picked up a real book in months, I read online.
4. I didn't go to college.
5. I'm a self-taught geek.
6. I'm getting tired of the letter "I".
7. I own 2 guitars but haven't played in years. (Not that I was ever any good at it.)
8. Math has always been my least favorite thing, but I can remember numbers much better than names.

Whew. I'm not gonna tag anybody but ya'll feel free to play along if you want.

So let's find some funny

I obviously haven't had much of an appetite lately so where am I getting this gas that would kill half a room? I mean really, I could walk into a truck stop and be crowned the Fart Goddess. Butt crack galore worshipping my honking talents. I scared myself earlier, I thought for real it was a shart.
Ok, I feel bad about the ass crack from yesterday, hehehe, Mom is actually in good shape for a woman a mere 18 yrs older than I. And I didn't really see it anyway, I was scairt to look.
This leads me to a story, imagine that. I had to go to the surgeon with her at least once to check out a breast lump. This is how I know and like the guy, but anyway.
He stuck a big fucking needle in there and pulled out fluid to send off, telling her all the time it was nothing. She asked me later did I watch him do it. Uh no, I like a nice rack as much as the next person, but I was cowering behind the curtain so I wouldn't have to see your boobage Mom.
She almost showed me Cooterville today when she let me see her incision, I don't think I could have stood that.
Ok, for those of you who are worrying with me, thank you. It'll be ok. I'll be ok, the last few days have just been a bit overwhelming. I'm trying to work right now and fit in the hospital and stuff around that because once treatment starts who knows what is gonna happen.
I'm giving up the doom and gloom attitude, because I can't do anything else. I will wait until they tell me the prognosis, and then I'll be at the Dr. with her a lot.

In other news, Noname has tagged me but at the moment I can't think of 8 things you don't already know about me, so I'll get around to it.
Right now I'm sitting on the deck with the dogs having a beer and a smoke, about to take my tired old ass to bed. Ya'll have a good night.

Not much new

Mom had surgery today, he couldn't scope it so he cut her open and she'll be in the hospital for a few days. Now we hurry up and wait for the test results to see what type it is and get the prognosis for treatment. He said he took the tissue to Pathology himself to make sure he had enough for testing, all I could picture was him in his scrubs, bopping off down the hall with a hunk of meat in some Gladware. I know I'm a sick puppy, leave me alone.
Seeing Mom in her hospital gown and getting a glimpse of what my ass is gonna look like at 60 was not at all encouraging, just so you know.
Surgery was in the next town over, about halfway to Armpit, so after they finally got her in a room Baby Sis and I took off to get Spawn and go to the funeral home to see other mom. She looked quite beautiful, other than the being dead part. Her family was holding up well which was good since we were in shell shock so we maintained and there wasn't a big cry-fest. I'm sure that'll come later.
I stopped back by the hospital on my way home to take Stepdad some food and say goodnight to Mom, she's still pretty well out of it. Now I'm just trying to relax so I can take my ass to bed. Thank ya'll for the thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement. They help a lot. Hopefully we can get back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow, or sometime soon. Lucy and I will be in Armpit all weekend to babysit Spawn so I may be a bit scarce.
Ya'll have a good night.

I ain't right

Let me just tell you a story. I visited Other Mom, every morning that she wasn't working and hubby was, so we could chat. We did paint by number things at one time, mostly we just sat at the kitchen table and talked. We talked about her job, her kids, her life, and we talked about my life. We talked about Baby Sis, and Middle Sis and her kids and their relationship with them, and my boyfriends on the street, cuz we lived in a subdivision.
Later, I told her I thought I was gay, and she said she already knew. I met my girlfriend at her house a couple of times when we weren't supposed to be seeing each other, she still kept my secrets. She was a beautiful woman with a big heart. I will miss her, but I'm also questioning her timing, HELLO? I love and miss you, but this ain't the time to fucking die on me. Mom is sick and you pick NOW?
I will see both of you tomorrow, hopefully not together.

Today Sucked Ass

I'm drunk, so if you expect anything coherent, walk away.
My Other Mom died today, the day my real mother was baptized to secure her place in her Heaven.
I'll spare you all the details. The woman who died was our other mother. Growing up, we were at her house a whole lot while our Mother worked. She was my best friend during those angsty early teens, and later, because she treated me as an adult. We talked. Her daughter and Baby Sis have been friends for 33 yrs. She and real Mom have been friends longer than that.
She had multiple myeloma, it's rare but happens. 5 yrs of treatment. This is what my real mom is saying, "Why bother when the end result is the same?"
I tend to agree.

Bush is having a colonoscopy

Are they looking for his head?

Lucy's book LMAO

You're Dune!

by Frank Herbert

You have control over a great wealth of resources, but no one wants to
let you have them. You've decided to try to defend yourself, but it may take eons before
you really get back what you feel you deserve. Meanwhile you have a cult-like following
of minions waiting for your life to progress. This would all be even more exciting if you
could just get the sand out of your eyes.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I told ya'll she's crazy.

Chuck E. what?

My mother is enjoying this "I'm dying" shit just a little too much. I will be subjected to Chuck cheese and Church all in one weekend? And I can't even complain, well, I can, but what's the point?
Give me a break, I'm trying to find whatever humor I can in this situation. Yesterday's post was supposed to be kind of funny, but after re-reading it I seem to come off a bit snarky, that was not the intention. Hurtling down the interstate blind has happened a few times, and I've had that thought, "Rain, this ain't good", but I've managed to survive.
I'm pretty sure things are gonna get ugly around here.
Lucy is over here talking about masturbation, see what I mean? It just gets uglier.
Now she's watching "Caveman". Yes, the movie with Ringo Starr. I'm with her why?

I'm just a shitload of sunshine

I was on my way to work this morning, really, actually ON MY WAY, in the car and everything. My Mom called, crying, she's sitting in the parking lot of a church, and she loves me and she's always loved me, and she's waiting for the Preacher to show up cuz she needs to be baptized.
Hey, Mom, me hurtling down the intersate at 70mph in a tin can with a cloth roof, ain't the best time to make me cry, just sayin.
Things ain't looking good, but your religion and mine don't really mesh anymore, as long as it makes you feel better, I'm good.
I now have to find something to wear to "Church" Sunday, cuz my Mom is getting baptized. I will be there, probaby in inappropriate clothes, and if you hear of a church fire in Armpit, Al, I was probably "smote" for being there.

I had somthing going on, I've forgotten now what it is. I need to take my ass to bed.
It's gonna be 500 years till Tuesday.

Kinda funny, and not

I know I was going to tell you about my farts, they were awesome. I got home and put the chocolates from The Dirty Old Man and my smokes in my hand, I dropped the smokes so bent over to pick them up and let a really good one rip.
I then came in the house and scared the dog with another, it would have been a good 3 foot flame if I'd lit it. It was really quite impressive. I just finished off the Chinese food from last night so I'm pretty sure I'm not done.
I'll let you know if Hell blows up tomorrow since I might try to light one.

You read this shit why?

In other news, Lucy called me before I got all up close and personal with you all about my real life. I'm upset about Mom, well duh, biopsy is next week. It's a very large tumor rather than a few small ones. Surgery is not an option. She's been telling us for years she "hurt so bad she had to be eat up with cancer" she was probably right.

Ya'll take care and hug your loved ones.

Is it me?

I'm apparently speaking alienese lately or something. Yesterday and today I've tried to explain a very simple concept to a couple of people and they don't seem to get it.
Since one of those people is Annie (who should understand) maybe the words in my head are just not coming out of my mouth in the correct order or something. On the other hand, Annie does have her blonde moments, and the other person just ain't too bright, bless her heart.
Hopefully noone will ask me anything else.

Fried Okra

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, it's tasty. It should be crunchy on the outside with just a hint of slime on the inside since it is a slimy veggie. I won't eat it boiled, it looks like a bowl of snot.
Annie's parents brought some Sunday, I forgot about it. I saw it tonight and made it my mission to cook it dammit.
It has to be sliced, coated with cornmeal and put in a skillet with hot oil until it's all pretty and tasteful.
I just made some inedible fried okra. I think my cooking skills have gone out the window. This shit is soggy, that's not supposed to happen.
I had 3 phone calls while I was cooking, and a newsbreak about a friend getting laid, so that might have something to do with it. I'm just disappointed I can't cook anymore. Dammit.

Yeah, right

You're Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!

by Mark Twain

With an affinity for floating down the river, you see things in black
and white. The world is strange and new to you and the more you learn about it, the less
it makes sense. You probably speak with an accent and others have a hard time
understanding you and an even harder time taking you seriously. Nevertheless, your
adventurous spirit is admirable. You really like straw hats.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I prefer ballcaps thank you.

Stolen from Genius.

It's Monday?

Lucy and I headed to Armpit last night to see Momma Wolf and spend the night with Baby Sis just because. We scared The Spawn because he didn't expect us, I proceeded to hurt the Furball when I tried to cut her nails (kinda like I did a couple of days ago with Betty) so I pretty much felt like shit about being there. I will not be in the doggy manicure business from now on.
We got up at the ungodly hour of 5am to get to the place for Momma Wolf's test, even tho it wasn't necessary for all of us to be there, it made her feel better, so good call.
We then went to breakfast where Momma Wolf was regaling Lucy with stories of my youth. I think senility or something else has snuck in because our memories are quite different, I came off much cooler in my version.
It's NOT pancreatic cancer which is what scared the shit outta me, because that shit don't mess around.
It IS Lymphoma, according to Dr. "Don't give a shit" and we go to the surgeon tomorrow who I really like and will tell us exactly WTF he thinks it is and what we're gonna do. I don't really trust Dr. "Don't give a shit".
For now, I'm hopeful.
And apparently there will be a whole lot of waiting.
I'm fairly patient. We'll see how much I guess.

Just hangin around

Lucy and I threw darts badly, mainly waiting for The Princess to show up since he had my lighter. I'd post a pic of it, but then you'd all want one. It's a Zippo, with a scrimshaw of a howling wolf. Lucy gave it to me our first Christmas. My drunk ass left it with the smokes that were beinhg bummed by a mutual friend.
I realized after I got home it was missing, I wanted it back.
All is well again, I think I'll go in the house and make Lucy take me to breakfast.
Have a good night kids.

Clarifications

I'm sorry, the last couple of posts seem to be out of order, or don't make much sense due to my shitfacedness (ok, it might not be a word, but it should be) last night. I'll try to clear things up.
Momma Wolf has been having abdomimnal pain for a bit, she has fibromyalgia (chronic pain) so a lot of things get chalked up to that. She went for her physical and asked the Dr. to do an ultrasound just because she'd been having more pain than usual.The diagnosis so far is a pancreatal mass. Something also showed up around her liver and in her pelvis. Dr "didn't really want to do anything" called her to tell her he would get a Cat scan asap and did she have a surgeon. Apparently he's thinking cancer. I'm hoping not, but won't know anything till after the scan Monday. From what little I read they should be able to tell what's going on after the scan and plan from there. Depending on what kind of tumor it is, removal might be an option.
She called me upset which caused me to be upset and after talking to her and Baby Sis last night, I got more upset. The fruit and veggie post was about Lucy putting cucumbers on my eyes because I was not a pretty sight. We did end up doing that this morning because we had to go to a memorial service for a friend's dad and I looked a mess. It helps in case you ever need to know that.
So. I'm sitting on the deck with a beer and a smoke, 90 lb dog trying to climb in my lap, and relaxing for now because I don't know what life is gonna be like after today. Let's just hope for the best. As much as I bitch, I love my mom, we're actually very close, and I'm scairt.

Funny before you read the next post

I'm picturing Lucy with cucumbers on her eyes, cantaloupe halves on her boobs, (even though she really needs watermelons) Watermelon wedge on her nether regions, and The Dirty Old Man about to have a buffet.
Damn dreams.

It ain't pretty

I'll start with why I love Lucy. She brought me a beer, on the porch, where I was talking to family for 2 hours without her knowing what was going on. She wiped dried snot from my face after I came back inside to tell her what was going on.(Thankfully she used water rather than spit.) She just came outside to sit with me even tho there might be bugs. She ran when a beetle touched her, hehehe.
I'm drunk in case you can't tell. Mama Wolf called me this morning to share the wealth since she couldn't call Baby Sis at work. Apparently I'm fair game.
There will be a CT scan Monday, ultrasound showed bad things around pancreas and liver. Send a good thought this way.
I had very little time to search today, and what I did search was not good. So I gave up as "If I don't see it, it doesn't exist." Yeah, I'm that way.
I should be an Ostrich rather than a Wolf, I'd rather bury my head. I suck.

WTF?

She knitted a car?
"For her Graduate Exhibition she presented a full scale knitted version of a Ferrari, a hairy combination of a Testa Rossa and a 355 - complete with windscreen wipers, wing mirrors, low profile tyres and the famous prancing horse logo, all knitted in glorious Ferrari red (wool generously supplied by Sirdar). "

Have you noticed...

the print on everything seems to be smaller than it did a year ago.
I swear I could read every word of the fine print on a document at least 6 months ago, now I can't see shit.
I had to get a magnifying glass to see what voltage my... hell, what's that thing called? Oh yeah, a fuse.
Off to play with the non-existent cats now, ya'll have a good night.

I'm getting divorced

Lucy has decided to try that new weight loss drug Alli? is that what it's called?
I told her I'd get her a new walker and some Depends. I also hung up on her.
She shows up here with 3 kinds of breads, makes cookies or buys something sweet and wants to try this shit?
Yes, I know she's gained a few pounds with quitting smoking (which I haven't been able to do) and the inactivity from the knee surgery, but this is unacceptable.
I won't have her ruining her health because she thinks she has to "look good".
Our society sucks.

I am NOT tooting my own horn...

even though I've been known to toot, quite loudly, and publicly, this isn't about that. It's also not about the fact that I occasionally make myself feel good, it's not that kind of post.
I made myself feel good by doing something nice. I think everyone should try it.
I'll save you the suspense and tell you what I did and save the story for later, cuz you know I love a story.
There was a guy in front of me at the convenience store wearing fatigues, apparently having trouble with his PIN number when I walked up. I bought his shit. Simple as that. Shook his hand, said thanks for what you're doing, he thanked me for the sodas, all good.
I refuse to get political here, but I support the guys and girls doing their jobs.
Later ya'll.

NOW she's done it

Unacknowledged Genius has hit me up with a Rockin' Girl Blogger award. I'm over here blushing and shit, thanks darlin.
I'm glad you find me amusing, and as for the drinking thing? Don't worry, I can outdrink a few of the boys too.

So, now I'm supposed to give this out to 5 bloggers that I think rock. Hmmm.
I guess I'll start with
1. Genius just because she has good taste:) Ok, really because she's been visiting here since I started writing this drivel, and if I can make her laugh, mission accomplished.
2. Syd because I've learned more about cooters and squirrels at her place than anyone has a right to know.
3. Noname for keeping it real and keeping a sense of humor amidst the chaos.
4. Crystal for cracking me up on a regular basis.
And finally,
5. Sharon since it's all her fault. I discovered her blog by accident one day, and it's been downhill from there.

Thank you all for the fun. Now go play in the street or something, I've got to climb that fucking ladder again.

ETA: I'd like to change my mind for 500 Jim. I had a hard time picking 5, so let's just go with, everybody I link to is there because they entertain me in some fashion, so they all rock. I read them all daily, and there are a few I need to add because they get stalked too, whether they like it or not. Thanks to all of you.

It sucked less than yesterday, maybe

I started my day on top of a really tall ladder. Have I mentioned that I'm afraid of heights? Yeah, dunno where that came from, as a kid I was in the top of every tree around, now if I get 3 feet off the ground I have issues. I make myself do it because it's easier than asking someone else, and I have to get over it dammit.
Did I also mention I had a hangover this morning? Yeah, that too, it wasn't fun.
In the midst of all that I had to come to town to buy shit, most notably a new hard drive for the computer that crashed at 4pm yesterday, finishing off my really shitty day.
A note to the operator of said computer, "I know you want a new computer badly, but if you had mentioned the clicking noises, or problems you were having before the blue screen you got yesterday, I might have been able to save some of your shit. So, you lose everything and get an $80 drive rather than an $800 computer. Sorry." Dumbass.
I hid in my office the rest of the day installing software for the bitch so it wasn't too bad.
I did get an e-mail from my mom that I'll have to take Lucy to task for later.
Lucy and I have been talking about a fall beach trip, taking Baby Sis along came up as an option, nothing is concrete yet, but she mentioned it to Baby Sis who then mentioned it to mom who thinks The Spawn shouldn't go and that caused a fight and it may be an entire family outing if we go now. Not exactly what I had in mind.
So maybe it's a toss-up, yesterday and today both kind of sucked, I just have a better mindset today I guess.
I'm going to smoke with the dogs, I may borrow The Handsome Devil's hookah, and call Lucy so I can go to bed early. Ya'll have a good one.

My mother would shit

I'm sure she thinks it, knows it, something like that, but she doesn't want to see it in print.

I've had a less than stellar day, I will be watching The Closer, since I missed it the first time, and taking my ass to bed. Ya'll have a good night.

Drivin'

I'm killing Lucy

She just called me Carol Burnett, the cartoon, not the woman. Bitch.
I sang "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse, using the stuffed alligator from the couch, it was funny. I segued into "You know I'm no good" using just my ass...she said it was like Carol Burnett doing the cleaning woman cartoon since I was wearing sneakers. Bitch.
She's still crippled, she doesn't know how easy it would be to kill her...I'm off to bed to plot.
At least she has ice on her knee.

Babysitting

Lucy and I went to Armpit last night, where we cooked dinner, after I almost made a human torch of myself, hung out with Baby Sis, and they watched a scary movie. I went to the kitchen after 5 minutes, not my thing. I did scare myself, reading Lucy's magazines since I didn't think to bring a book, then I went out there in the dark, with millions of stars, (I don't see that around here) and hearing them yelling "Oh Shit" while watching the movie, I smoked and ran my ass back in. Bitches.
Spawn walked in on Lucy changing clothes, I told him not to, it would traumatize him, he ran from her ginormous boobs, really ran, all the way through the house. Poor baby.

Baby Sis had to work so we took care of The Spawn until Grannie and Papaw got home.
Spawn cooperated and slept so we could see "Notes on a Scandal". Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, excellent movie, and Lucy couldn't throw anything at me during the bath scene since Spawn was sleeping on her boobage that scared him the night before, with a hand on one and his head on the other. Apparently he does have priorities. He's fucking awesome, I'm sure I won't be saying that when he's older, but right now, oh yeah.
Gonna have to kill Lucy to get her to behave, or get her a better Dr. Hmmmm, new idea.

Completely Irresponsible

I was that today.
I slept in, about the time I headed to work Annie called and said I should just take the day since they were all leaving early anyway, and did I want to meet her at fridays for lunch. I did, and proceeded to spend the afternoon there.
I went to The Dive, everyone else showed up, Lucy brought me home since I was too drunk to function.
It just felt good to be totally stupid for a change. No worries, it was like being a kid again.
I haven't done this in way too long.
I just mooned Lucy and heard "What are those?" I looked to make sure I hadn't grown balls, only to find out she was looking at her pill stash rather than me. Bitch.
I'll be taking my 5 yr old ass to bed soon. Ya'll have a good night.

All my shit

Net radio will survive or not without me, Lucy has been given a longer sentence by the Dr, not me.
I'm surprised she hasn't called me yet since The Princess was sending her pics of me with white stuff on my face, after a blowjob (shot, not the real thing) hello, I forgot how to do that years ago.
I kind of made up with the asshole at The Dive, his wife wanted me to anyway, he's still an asshole, but we threw darts with them and played nice just because. I'm home, drunk, tired, and waiting for Lucy to call so I can go to bed.
All done, outta here.

My 4th

The Handsome Devil woke me early because he needed to relieve himself, (of my patience it seems) Bitch just wanted to be fed.
The Princess started texting about 8:30, he wanted to relieve himself of a few bucks by going to breakfast. Showered, shaved and full an hour later I came home and put on my really butch clothes to mow the back yard. I looked at the knee-high dead grass and decided it was miserable enough, I duct-taped the hole in the soakerhose in the garden, didn't work, tied up some tomatoes since they threatened me, said fuckitall and hit the couch for the Twilight Zone marathon.
I napped a bit, showered and met The Widow for dinner. We had a great time, our waitress sat with us pretty much the whole time since she had nothing else to do.
The Widow followed me to The Dive to throw some darts, won a couple of games, had a good time (which was the intention) and we both got home. Not a bad day.
I go back to Hell tomorrow.
At least I can run around naked tonight since Annie is still out of town, nah, it's not a full moon, not the same.
Have a good night kids:)

Uh Huh

Now we know where Syd is

Stood Up & stuff, you know how I am

The Princess was working late so I went to friday's for a bit to pick up The Dirty Old Man for a game of darts. (Annie is out of town and Lucy is staying home until Friday.) I got him, someone I haven't seen in forever and The Widow. She became a widow this time last year so it's not terribly pleasant for her right now. She and I have a dinner date tomorrow at Hooters. I'm glad I stopped in there. Have I told you how much I love this woman? She is awesomness squared. I was surprised she didn't have plans, someone usually makes sure she has plans, the boys fell down on the job this time. Anyway, back to stood up in a long roundabout way. hehe
I go to The Dive, attract other people cuz I'm just that way yo. The Dirty Old Man finally shows up, 30 minutes after he said he'd be there. He beats my ass, I beat his, it's starting to look like kinky wrestlemania, I finally win the last game. Yay me. I have a craving for green beans, dunno why. It's 8:00, still no Princess, text him I'm coming home, where I have a hotdog and green beans for dinner, excellent.
Now, I've been accosted by ugly brown bugs while going out to smoke, spilled nasty plant water on my shoes, put everything in to wash, and might just possibly go to bed soon. Big night home alone for me I tell ya.

R.I.P. Beverly Sills

I lived through the garbage. I might as well dine on the caviar.
Beverly Sills

I only have myself to blame

I innocently checked a local news site's comments after seeing an article about a new bar opening that I'll be interested in.
I read the lonely homophobic comment, and went on my way.......then I saw a reference to something else that I feel strongly about, re: the place I work,the person who I agree with got bashed by idiots.
And right there was the Hate Crime Law. I had to stop reading pretty quick.
I don't pay attention to my local news becuase the weather is always wrong and I really don't care that Billy Bob blew himself up with a bottlerocket.
Seeing what the people who watch this shit say has opened my eyes again to the stupidity and homophobia that seem to run rampant around here. I'm lucky I'm not a victim of it, I live in a big place for here, with lots of people who are very open-minded, sometimes I forget those other people are out there. I guess I should pay more attention.
I'm lucky I'm allowed to live my life pretty much away from that shit, I'm sad a lot of people aren't.
I hate people.

Pics

Lucy's cock


Princess' shirt


Lucy's purse

She informed me she should have carried this one to the concert since I bitched about the other one.

Too much fun

Annie accused me and Lucy of having too much fun. I've got a camera full of stupidity, so I guess we were. I'll share selected photos tomorrow since Lucy is not happy with me for some of them anyway lol. Lucy is gettin all up in my business now, she said this (if any of those pics show up in blog land you will never hear from rainbow again..lucy)
Yeah, right. Now she's throwing cock at me, Poppycock I mean, you haven't seen that pic yet either. It's past my bedtime, but I'll probably still stay up, ya'll have a good night, I'm gonna harrass Lucy some more. Obviously, she's much better.

Fucking bird

We went to breakfast with The Princess early this morning, I got bombed on the way to the car. Came back and I loaded up the jeep to take cans to the recycling center, Bitch was all over me everytime I turned around.
I've been trying to get a pic of her dancing on the Jeep all day since that's her way of taunting me, fucker. She disappears as soon as I pick up the camera. I'm also keeping a water pistol on the porch so that will be the shooting.
No, I'm not going to kill the bird, she's cheap entertainment, even at my expense.
She's also caused me to use the phrase "I'll go mockingbird on your ass" to Lucy a couple of times, and she got Annie this afternoon, hehehe.

To kill a mockingbird

Yep, it's about to happen. There will be one less fucking smart-ass bird in the 'hood. Unlike Annie I can shoot.
I got a flyby when I went out to smoke, then she perched on a limb bitching at me, I told her not to shit on my car, PLOP. Yes, I parked in the yard, shutup. Annie and Lucy took up all the space my truck on blocks wasn't occupying.
She doesn't bother Annie or Lucy, as evidenced by me standing on the porch waiting for them to get their old asses up the sidewalk, bitching about the bird, when I got another flyby, they almost pissed themselves laughing.
I wonder if it tastes like chicken?

Dear Texas

I'm so very sorry for your continued rainfall, a lot of that was supposed to move East, really. I got tennis elbow in that match with Satan a couple of months ago and got put in a sling, therefore I can't swing my arm over that way to share the wealth of water with the rest of the world. This explains why Alabama is withering up and dying from drought. (Like anybody would miss those redneck assholes anyway.)
Sincerely,
GOD

Now I've stayed out too late

It was steak night at The Dive. 7 bucks buys salad, steak, taters, and texas toast. We had dinner there.
Annie beat the shit outta me at darts and went home about the time The Princess and his entourage showed up. I stayed. Dumbass.
I did make it home with the T-Shirt someone wanted The Princess to have. Just so he can have it later, after I wear it to work tomorrow since I didn't iron. 2 birds on a limb, underneath it says "Swallows". I'm sure it's referring to the birds.
I need to take some pictures, but I'm too damn lazy at the moment. I need to get up early tomorrow and dress badly. Hopefully I'll have the presence of mind to shave or wear pants, geeeze. If not, I'll take pics of that too when I remember.
I think I'll take my stupid ass to bed. Ya'll have a good night.

I got up too early

I'm going to have to give up this coming to work early shit. About the time I realized I haven't shaved my legs since Saturday (just call me Yeti) and why in the hell am I wearing shorts? I also noticed these aren't the shorts I thought I put on. Now I'll have to iron again since this was the only shirt that matched the other shorts this morning. As long as I'm bitching, I also have heartburn from hell and pantyliner issues. I have however gotten a lot of work done today. Now I'm going to have a smoke and surf until time to go home.
Later kids.

Well THAT was awkward

Let’s see if I can make this relatively short. Annie and I met The Ladies and The Widow for a drink after work. We were having a great time when That Woman came in. It’s hard to explain without going into great detail, so long story short, friend for a number of years, married when we met her, started getting divorced, went back to crackhead crazy husband after he caused all of us a bunch of grief. Yeah, not good. She disappeared for quite awhile after they got back together, apparently they’ve split again, she’s out, he’s stalking her, same old shit.
We’re polite, if she hadn’t picked crackhead over the people trying to help her I would still call her a friend, but I digress. She sat next to me, we chatted, it was cool.
The Widow left, I think she already had plans anyway, no biggie. This left a seat open next to Annie, but I’m sitting around the corner with That Woman and don’t want to be obviously rude so I stay where I am, I’m planning to leave soon anyway.
Annie’s friend shows up. She works with That Woman, they were close also, now not at all. That Woman introduced Annie to her friend, I was sitting in the middle of “I don’t want to be here.”
It’s not really so much her either, it’s the crackhead stalker, he’s bound to show up wherever she is and we’re pretty much over all that.
Hell, I can’t even make sense sober, I give up.

Imagine that

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

shit (17x) ass (11x) hell (7x) fucking (6x) bitch (4x) pissed (3x) lesbian (2x) zombie (1x)

Zombie???

Lifted from Boobies and Beer

The highlight of my otherwise shitty day

Lucy and I were at The Dive. I went to the restroom. The bartender went over to see her and asked if she wanted his tongue in her panties. (It's a drink, get your mind outta the gutter), she explained that she wasn't drinking, they apparently had quite the chat while I was MIA.
She fucked up when she told me about it after I got back. I'd already cashed out, was kicking her ass at darts, I decided I needed another beer.
I asked him for a beer, and then told him I thought he owed me that one since he was flirting with my g/f while I was in the bathroom. I think he said "EEEP". He did nod, and yes I tipped him anyway.
Yeah, Lucy is bitching that I used her, hello, she brought it on herself.

I also realized that I'm shooting myself in the foot, Lucy isn't getting laid for 26 more days, that means I'm not either. We may have to buy me a hooker. No wonder I'm grouchy.

Dog food

I went out after work yesterday because, well just becuase. Lucy and I made up in text messaging while I was out. She called to ask about making tacos, we had hamburger in the freezer, nope, over them.
I got home, fried some taters with onions and peppers, cooked hamburger, threw it all together with some stewed tomatoes, tastes good, looks like Alpo.
That was dinner tonight too since we spent the afternoon with The Princess. Leftovers aren't bad.
I still think Lucy is lying about liking it, but oh well, it's pretty tasty to me so I'll get over it.
I realized after re-reading the Atlanta post, I'm the one that's no fun. I'll get the stick outta my ass, or get something for the pms anyway, geeeze.

Our motley crew

Queen, Ms Fox, Princess, Annie, Me

Queen, Princess, Annie, Me, the one who asked not to be named (I think you can figure out who it is.)

Oh what a night

The Princess and Queen waving from the bathroom at a local bar. Shitty cell phone pic, I'll get real pics from Ms. Fox so ya'll can see what a raggedy bunch we are.
A synopsis if you're interested. The trip there wasn't too bad other than our drivers trying to kill us. Princess and Queen were hung over since they spent most of Wed night at the tittie bar. I don't understand why gay men would go there, but whatever. The Queen slept most of the way, it was fairly quiet. After we got to the not at all glamorous motel and checked in, it was time to change and head out to the boy's bar where the picture was taken. It was a nice place, food was good, I liked. Queen really wanted to stay there, so we were late heading to the concert, got stuck in traffic, oh well, shit happens.
We completely missed Dresden Dolls, caught just a bit of Deborah Harry. Lucy had to get down a bunch of stairs before finding out there was an easier way, there was a whole bunch of walking for her, her knee reflects that today dammit. Oh, and I was behind her carrying her big fucking ugly green canvas purse holding everything we owned. Dammit.
If you were there and saw a dyke in a ballcap, walking behind a cripple, carrying a big fucking ugly green canvas purse, that was me. Nice to meetcha.
Overall, had a great time, Erasure was good, Margaret Cho kicked ass, and Cyndi Lauper, well, it's Cyndi...Lucy and I left for the car a bit early also to hit the bathroom and get to the car before the crowd, we could still hear, just couldn't see.
That's about the time it all went to shit.
The Princess showed up at the car all pissed off, he and The Queen had a fight. It was a bit hard to take him too seriously in his rainbow boa, but anyway. Finally everyone else is there and we go back to the motel. The Queen is chattering non-stop and The Princess is cutting him down, I just wanted to go to bed. Oh hell no.
Ms. Fox and Annie walk over to breakfast, the boys have suddenly made up and want to go to the male tittie bar (we'll call it that anyway), Lucy volunteers to drive them, I go along as bodyguard.
I finally get to bed, after saying something really insensitive to Lucy because I'm tired and pissed off and, yeah, no excuse. She was mad at me all day, as well she should have been.
We got up early to get the hell home, but couldn't get the other kids up. Ms. Fox was in the room with the boys. Finally all get together and in the car, that's where we find out The Princess was up all night because he brought a beau home. Well that's what he called him anyway.
I heard more than I ever wanted to today about penises (peni?).
Long, long story short, and lot's of talk about non-short appendages, we finally get to our meeting point and go our separate ways.
We got home about 1pm. Annie's phone started ringing not too long after. Hell didn't blow up while we were gone, but the network went down. I had to go to work. I was just about to have a nap too.
Sorry it wasn't very brief, I did have fun, there was just way too much drama involved for my tired old ass.

Going travelling

We're off to the big city tomorrow. I'm packed, clean drawers, shirt, toothbrush and deodorant. Oh yeah, and a cooler full of beer. The girls have pared down to 2 outfits, makeup, sleepwear, hair stuff and booze I'm apparently supposed to put in other bottles for them. Oh yeah, and a whole other bag for snacks. One is asleep and the other is immobile so I guess I'll take care of it. Geeze After all, I DID make them decide on dinner since I wasn't cooking, I had ironing to do. I'm sure I'll have a good time, if not, at least I'll be away from work for a bit. See ya'll Friday night.

I've only been here an hour?

So far I've had
1. I can't get my e-mail. (Network cable was unplugged)
2. My keyboard doesn't work. (Swapped keyboard, nope, restarted computer, VOILA!)
3. I can't print. (Printer was out of paper)
4. I need a new computer, I lost my reports when it froze up yesterday. (This is her solution to everything, one thing goes wrong and she needs a new one.)
The place is liable to blow up Friday when Annie and I are both gone.

Pissy, PMSing Pussy

My extra large appetite at lunch today was a clue, but I thought "Surely it's not time for this shit again already." Getting seriously mad at Annie about nothing as we were leaving The Dive was the 2nd clue, I was still in denial. When I got home and Betty brought me "A Gift" I was pissed at her for killing something but doing ok until she dropped it. It wasn't dead, just broken beyond repair and I burst into tears because I couldn't bring myself to kill it. I put it in the vacant yard next door, Annie went over there, I didn't ask.
I think I need to take Ms. Threadgoode's advice from Fried Green Tomatoes and "Get you some of them hormones honey." I just don't do medication well, most of the time the side-effects are worse than just being me. We shall see.

Self analysing, I think part of the problem is between work and everything else, I'm a tiny bit more stressed than usual lately. Taking care of Lucy on weekends, last few weekends with family, love them to death, but travel time and go, go, go takes it's toll. Also we're going to Atlanta Thursday with The Princess, Queen and Ms. Fox, all in the same car because The Princess kept on and on about that. I'm not real happy about THAT part of the arrangement because as much as I love them, he and The Queen get on my nerves, they have those names for a reason. I'm pretty much stuck because Lucy wants to ride with them and Annie agreed too since Lucy thinks it'll be ok. If it wouldn't cause an international incident I'd stay home and let them all go, but that won't fly.
Ok, I'll quit whining now. I'm sure I'll be fine. Ya'll have a good night, and my apologies to the people who have had too much rain regarding the last post. Ya'll have been getting our share of the wet stuff.

WOO HOO!

Wal-Hell ditches blue vests

"The vest is being retired and replaced with this dress-code look that actually has our customers saying that they can see our associates more prominently in the stores," said Celia Swanson, of Wal-Mart. They're going to Polos and khakis.
The few times I go there, I just look for the woman NOT wearing a halter top and sweat pants (both too tight), or the guy NOT wearing an "I'd Rather Be Fishin" ballcap and or, hairy beergut/buttcrack hanging out.
I don't know why they're changing.

Father's Day

I was a good girl, I went to see Dad and stepmom, both doing quite well thanks. Then off to see Mom and stepdad, also quite well. Baby Sis and The Spawn were an added bonus there. Lucy travelled pretty well considering we were in the Jeep and it was 5000 degrees out today and it's an hour to Dad's with another 20 minutes to Mom's and an hour back home.
It rained in Armpit today, just enough to piss me off, but it was still rain. When it started I moved the Jeep under the big oak tree to offer a little protection, the top was up but all the windows were out, just to see if it was really going to do anything. The wind whipped up and the rain started coming down like it might finally come a real live storm or something. By the time I got all the windows back in, it quit. Fucking weather.
Anyway, we all had a great day. The Spawn is still fucking adorable and of course I forgot my camera again, so I'll have to get the pics of him driving the Jeep from Mom next time I'm there.
Sounds like Lucy is snoozing on the couch, think I'll wake her up so she can go to bed, she's behind on her Bitch quota for the day, she doesn't use that language around my parents. Hope ya'll had a good day.

Cantaloupe

Lucy brought one last week. I told Annie she needed to do something with it since it was fading and I don't eat those.
It was still here tonight, Lucy said it needed to be thrown out, I told her "I know, it looks like a zombie sucked it's brain out." I also asked if that was what happened to her. Bad move.
Threw the cantaloupe in the trash, Lucy is still here. I'm still alive for the moment. I'll keep you posted.

My Saturday

I got up early (Hey, 9:30 is early for Saturday)made coffee, got Annie on the road to visit the folks, put Lucy on the couch with an ice pack on her knee and got some shit done. Jeep is clean and nekkid, and the radio works, even tho I was standing on my head in it to find the fuse, I got there. I cleaned up and went for a haircut where I got scalped, but it feels better so I don't give a shit right now. Lucy and I hit friday's to visit The Princess because he was supposedly there, he wasn't, we had an appetizer while we waited for him to show up then we went to The Dive.
The Cripple, The Princess and Yogi Berra's grandson's ex son-in-law's step-nephew once removed kicked my ass at darts. I still had a good time.
Lucy and I headed out, my plan was to drop her at home and put her on the couch while I went to the grocery store for dinner stuff. Oh Hell No, she had to go with me. Fine. She gets in one of the motorized carts... I tell her to back up to her left, "Noooo, your other left!" Nevermind. It looked like bumper cars. We finally get her going and get everything we need, YAY! She asked if I was gonna drive it back to the store from the lot (I was 50 feet from the door) "Yep, I'll take care of it." We unload the cart and she gets back on her crutch and says "Let's see you drive it Missy." I do a 180 in reverse and try for a wheelie, but not enough power, or too much ass, whichever. I was called a smartass before I drove back and plugged that piece of shit up.
We managed to get home and I put her back on the couch while I grilled burgers and fixings, dinner was pretty good.

Okey Dokey

A cushion that plugs into your USB port and blows air up your ass. Hmmmm. This is the website if you're interested.

Fuckers

Don't give me this shit, I don't want to see raindrops when the chance is 20%. 20% is a chance that Hell will freeze over today. Of course since Hell seems to be in Alabama right now, I should hope for it.
Fuckers.

The Queen has a birthday

Yes, our friend The Queen will be another year older in about 52 minutes. He celebrated tonight since he doesn't have to work tomorrow (bitch) but does have to work Saturday.
We met him and about 52 of his closest friends at a place we usually don't go, a very nice place btw, I will go back. Princess told us they would be at The Dive by 9pm, Annie and I both said, nope, too late for us....famous last words...We were at the other place till 8:30, then The Dive, out late for a couple of old ladies.
I need to take my ass to bed, The Queen was living up to his name, he was quite impressed we showed up at someplace other than our usual......big crybaby.
Love you Hon, Happy Birthday.

Stuff you really didn't want to know

I'm sure you don't really care about the state of my bowels, so just stop reading now. It's gonna get ugly.
I had coffee and a honeybun about 10am. I don't usually do either of those things, but I do odd shit at work sometimes. I skipped lunch because, well I was on a sugar high. After work Annie and I met The Princess at The Dive. Long story short, Dirty Old Man showed up too, we threw darts, I finally left about 9pm. My route home takes me by the religiously affiliated college that's having a tent revival right now. I was thinking I really needed to get home when I saw a bunch of taillights. Nope, not good. Thankfully I was behind a police officer so my traffic moved on and I got home in time to not have to worry.
Not out of the woods yet, this brings up the story of the night I WASN'T lucky.
Without getting into too much detail, hopefully. Once upon a time we played cards and had dinner on Sunday nights at a friend's house quite often. One of those nights was the beginning of one of the worst nights of my life. (Loud Music and OMG'S)
Of course it was chili night, I hadn't been feeling well anyway, but must go, always a good time. I got sick, decided it was time to go home because really, I didn't need to be there, and headed out. 5 miles down the road I was thinking about pulling over and using the cooler, it was getting ugly.
I decided I'd be ok, I could get home, with sweat rolling down my face.
Another 2 miles, the first pseudofart sneaked out. Shit! (literally) It was another 8 miles to the house.
I'll save you the rest, I was able to save my boots and my leather jacket, everything else was trashed.
Aren't you glad you read me?

I didn't write this, but definitely could have....

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

An unusual day

I get calls to come fix this or that all the time at work. No biggie. Noone ever comes to my office except Annie (and she only comes in to hide). Today it was fucking Grand Central Station. WTF? There is a reason I'm hidden in the deep, dark recesses of the place people, leave me alone.
My boss has been in there maybe twice in the 3 years I've lived there, last time she asked me about the lighting, some of the bulbs are out, I like it that way. I told her it was fitting since I was a mushroom, she didn't get it. Yes, she's blonde, I still love her.
Annie left early to get our cable problem at home fixed, we met for darts, and I could not hit the fucking board. It was ugly. I improved after a couple of beers, but she threatened to leave during the first game because I sucked so badly. Part of the problem is my shoulder is shit, I need a shot but I really really hate those, the other is soreness from the physical activity the last couple of weeks, and a whole lot of tired. Speaking of which, I think I'll head to bed. Have a good night.

CRS (Can't Remember Shit)

It's even worse than I thought. One of The Ladies sent a message with The Dirty Old Man for one of us to call her. She wanted to share the fact that the Other lady in the duo got lucky over the weekend. We needed to know this because we placed bets, yes we're pigs. Lucy and I were going to get together with Annie and all send the lucky Lady text messages last night. We forgot. I'm also pretty sure there's something I'm supposed to be doing right now besides this, but it escapes me....Oh well. Later kids.

Sunday afternoon

I went to work for a couple of hours because I've put off shit all week that needed to be done. It's now done, I feel better.
The girls were actually behaving when I got home, Lucy had ice on her knee and Annie was outside persuing her crusade against the hedges.
The Dirty Old Man called not long after I got here, he was back in town with seafood from the Gulf, I had ordered some shrimp. Lucy and I met him at The Dive after I re-cleaned up since I was nasty from work. The cripple kicked my ass at darts, twice. Annie called to say she missed us, yeah right, bitch was hungry. We came home to cook dinner. I had salad ready, but they settled into a Queen Latifah movie while I put together a quickie appetizer and grilled taters with onions and peppers, steaks from Nebraska that we had left, and a t-bone that Annie wasn't around for that weekend, along with a couple of pork chops. Dinner was good. I'm cleaning out the freezer in case you can't tell.
Lucy and I just decided we're both senile, we've been needing to ask Annie something, and haven't, forgot to call Babysis till late, we suck.
I'm taking my ass to bed, unfortunately we didn't win the lottery so I must go to work in the morning. Lucy will have to go home to go to therapy so she'll be out of my clutches until Friday, lucky her. I'll make up for it when she gets back. Have a good night kids.

The Ticker

You probably don't really want to know. It's a motivational tool for Lucy, it relates to the health of her knee and when she'll be able to enjoy certain activities.
Yeah, she's not gettin laid till the knee heals up.
I can't get the time to show up, but it's around 5 weeks right now. Poor Lucy.
(She asked me to add that it's because she won't behave herself, well duh. That's why I've been yelling at her to get her ass back on the couch, put the ice on and I'll bring whatever she needs.)
Just so you know I'm not a tyrant, I bought her flowers today because I felt bad about yelling at her. She's just not a good patient, and I'm not a patient caregiver.
Hopefully we'll both survive. I've been called "bitch" a record number of times today.

Shopping :::shudder::::::

Lucy and Annie dragged me out to Costc* today because Annie and I had gift cards from work and we needed to stock up on some things. Fine. I'm not sure how I got volunteered to go, much less drive, but there we are. Lucy is still (supposedly) on crutches, she left 1 in the car, threw the other in the cart, and took off...slowly.
I try to help out by going up ahead and bringing back stuff I know we need, ok, all good we can go now. I hear "NOOOOOO" from both of them. They haven't sampled all the foodstuffs yet. Again, I wonder why I'm along for this ride. An hour later, we're finally done. I take them home and go to the grocery store for everything else.......and both bitches are napping when I get back.

Roly poly's

I'm infested. Well, the front porch is anyway. It rained today for the first time in 2 months, Annie weeded the flowerbed, and now I can't sit outside to smoke cuz there are critters. I'm not happy.

Just because

I suck

I was late to work, I mean reallllly late. I fixed a couple of things that were actually operator error, not my problem. Most of the time I read comics and blogs.
Annie and I met The Widow for drinks after work since we've fallen down on the catching up every couple of weeks at hooter's thing. We will try to get back to that, she's a lovely woman and it's good to spend time with her without everyone else around. We managed to embarrass the bartender, not an easy task, so it was a good time had by all.
Annie's friend was involved in the embarrassment, and she went to throw darts with us. She's cool, we had fun. The girls, Princess and Queen, showed up as she was leaving, we beat them up and left. I need food, but it's too fucking late to eat.
Breakfast will be good.

Shit at the Wolf house

Shit has happened, literally, aren't we proud? I'll cut out the bullshit where I came home and planned to stay, but went back out just because. I threw some darts and came home to cook dinner. I went out to fire up the grill, and there was a turd in the utility room. It was not an "OhShityouscaredme" turd, or an "OHshititstucktomyass" turd, it was a big, "Ihateyouandhopeyoudie" turd. Someone put some time and effort into this baby. Betty or The Handsome Devil left it since it's got blonde hair, duh. I still don't know about that one.
I cook dinner, taters and fish and corn, not bad, thanks for asking.
I borrowed the extension cord from the utility room that usually goes to a fan for the girls so I can see how my fish is cooking, put cord back but don't plug it up when I'm done. A bit later Annie brings me the end of the fan cord, chewed to pieces and still wet with saliva. Bitches. I think we need an intervention, or better dogs.

These make Crocs look good

I really don't want to see anyone wearing these things.

Pet Cemetary and shit

Annie's dad has made fun of us for years about the depth of the graves we dig for the animals. The pet cemetary is at their place obviously. Between Annie and her sister, there are quite a few dogs, a guinea pig, and my cats. All laid out so the kids that knew each other are close to each other. My cats had favorite dogs, they're buried next to them, so it's all morbidly cool.
Sunday, Annie's dad asked "So how deep do ya'll usually make them?" He wanted to make sure his dog was ok, I respect that. He's ok.
I'm gonna take my drunk ass to bed since hell is waiting for me in the morning. Ya'll have a good night.

Today sucks

Apparently blogger ate my last post. It's taken most of the day to actually get something accomplished, I hate days like that. Now someone has hacked one of my comic sites and tried to give me a bug, fuckers. I need to work late but at the moment, I just really don't see that happening. I need a vacation.

Unproductive

Not even because I want to be. I've been working my ass off since I got here and haven't accomplished a damned thing. I hate days like this. I've got 2 reports running and another waiting for me to set it up and I'm not having fun. Just thought I'd let ya'll know. Carry on.

Darts and Dinner (or lack of)

Long, long story short as it can get. I met The Dirty Old Man for some darts, a couple of hours after work because he's a people person. It takes him a bit to get his business taken care of before he can show up at the appointed place, I still love him. Finally, he shows up, I kick his ass, after much ado about nothing around The Dive since he's Internationally Famous, ok, Locally Famous, yeah, semi-infamous. Whatever, we have a good time. We're finishing beers waiting for Our favorite bartender to show up and strike up a conversation about politics, just because it's on tv. He's almost 20 yrs my senior, was in a war, and neither of us is particularly political in our everday speech. I vote, but that's my business, not yours, and he pretty much feels the same way, so it was a decent conversation. Parted, understanding a bit more about each other and I came home to get something to eat since the bologna sandwich Syd's post made me worry about was long gone.
Leftover taco meat, soft shell, cheese, tomatoes and rice. I put on The Riches and sit down to eat. Annie decided this was the greatest time to call the cable company about the reception problems we've been experiencing on the weekends for the past month. Of course she had to change channels, unplug everything and tell them how it looked like satellite reception when they're looking for people stealing stuff (her ex). I tell her "they don't need to know that, pixels are fucked, put that nicely." Lucy called right about then. I went outside to smoke with the dogs while talking to her because Annie was obviously on the phone. She wanted to know about the nice icepack that she uses here, where did Annie get that? Where can she get one? Hello, you could just take this one. Dinner went in the trash after 2 bites.
Annie is in her room so she's the only one feeling my wrath, Amy Winehouse is blaring in the livingroom at the moment.

Busy Sunday

I made brunch since we all slept in a bit, showered and took off to the grocery store with the intention of coming home and washing our cars to try to drum up some rain. Annie called while I was at the store. Her Dad's favorite dog died, would I go with her to bury him. Off to Tn we went. Have I mentioned it hasn't rained here in awhile? Yeah, not as bad as we thought, but no fun whatsoever. Dad is pretty bummed, Annie is too. I'm just bummed because that's depressing no matter whose dog it is, and I'm starting to stiffen up a bit from the unaccustomed activity. I came home and cooked dinner, I need another shower in a bad way but I'm too tired to drag my ass in there right now.
In other news Lucy won't act right so she's on her own, she goes back home tomorrow to go to therapy and I probably won't see her again till Friday. Hopefully she won't hurt herself too badly between now and then.

Today's Horrorscope and stuff

You can only work with what you have, so stop wondering what you 'could' do if you only had certain resources. Has it occurred to you that you've been given exactly what you need? Take a closer look.

I like it. I had a great day. Lucy, Annie and I went to Armpit to visit the family for The Spawn's first birthday party. He was quite in awe of Lucy's "big girl" stroller. I saw the "I gotta get me one of those" look in his eyes.
It didn't rain, even tho those bastards had promised it would, so we had everything outside and put Lucy in the wheelchair so she could be semi-comfy and hang out, it was all good.
All the strange folks showed up, the good kind, not the assholes, Spawn got shitloads of stuff, got worn out, put his head on Lucy's boobage and passed out, plastic bat in each hand. I forgot my camera so I'll have to wait for Mom's pics dammit. He's still fucking adorable, well even more so now, he's got personality, and teeth, those are good.

We hit The Dive for a bit after getting back into town, saw The Princess and a couple of friends, the girls got Steaknshake for dinner and now Lucy is watching skinemax with ice on the knee and I'm here bitching about the fake boobs on the show she's watching so it's all good.
I hope everyone else had an enjoyable day, I'm gonna go laugh at this shit some more and take Lucy to bed.

This will be a long one

Lucy showed up, with her crutches, walker and wheelchair. I'll be so killed. She said she's going out, I said no, she persisted, fine. We went out.
Annie showed up at The Dive with The Ladies, it was their first time there, but they missed me and Lucy and just had to come over. We threw darts, Annie and L got the snot beat outta them 2 games because my partner J didn't know what she was doing and kept hitting triples, YAY us. The next 2 games Annie's partner L could hit nothing but bullseye's, bitch.
L is now hooked and wants to come play all the time. It should be interesting to say the least, she's very loud and WooHooish. I like her. They're both wonderful people, they were a fucking hoot tonight.
So Lucy told everyone I kicked her in the knee, and I told them she scratched me so I had to kick her ass. I didn't see anybody buying it.
I'm at home, Lucy is on the couch, ice on knee and walker close by... I guess I should take the shotgun away from her.
(I'm just mad her walker doesn't have tennis balls, hellooo, hardwood.)