I have to get this out of my head, so it goes here. I've written and saved to draft, but it's not working for me. Apparently I need to post it. This is not me looking for sympathy, so don't even think about it.
My sister died on Dec. 3rd, so that X-mess was ugly. That's also the last time I stayed "home" for X-mess. We had a tradition of me being there for a day or few, and we'd open gifts at midnight X-mess eve.
After she died, I went nuts for a year or so. I would drive down to the cemetary all the time just to talk to her. It didn't matter what time or what day of the week, I was there a lot. That was 18 yrs ago.
Baby Sis has moved in right behind Mom's house, so I was "home" this x-mess for the first time in 18 yrs. I stayed at Baby sis's house, but I was still there if you know what I mean.
She put baby to bed about 8 and she and I stayed up talking, catching up, it was nice. We were talking about M, (our sister) and x-messes past in the kitchen a bit after midnight when the train under her tree went nuts, toot-tooting and chug-chugging. I thought the cat set it off, Baby Sis went to check it out, and it was turned off, battery operated, new batteries. I told her M was saying hello.
We told mom that x-mess morn and she just looked at us funny, she was up at that time and she doesn't know why. She believes in ghosts too, so we're all good on that.
Nephew has brought hope to all of us, but sadness that M isn't here to share it so x-mess was bittersweet. I just find it amusing she picked on me when she showed her ass with the train. I always wanted one as a kid and never got it, so she had to pick that to get our attention.
I went to the cemetary before I came home, and for the first time in awhile, I cried the whole hour it took me to get here, and more.
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5 comments:
Hey you,
Not a mess...sounds like some healing (even though we both hate to cry) and progress. I know how hard this time of year is for you and how you feel about ALL of your family. Thank you for sharing it with us. Sending you love from
sorry - that should say Sending you love from Staten Island. The cat clicked for me!
You know, I almost emailed you to see how you were doing this holiday. I could kick my own ass for not following through.
We've discussed this before, and you know that I understand...all too well. The sadness comes in waves. Ride this one out, darlin.
Thinking of you...
Hey brooklyn, thanks hon. Love you too.
Syd, don't feel bad, I almost e-mailed you for the same reason and also didn't follow through. Take care of you, I'll be fine.
I think that when we need them most, we get our 'hello's' or reassuring signs. My Grandma was my everything and she died when I was 14. There's been a few really dark and bleek times where I suddenly smelled lilacs when they wasn't any explanation for it. That was her favorite perfume scent. I think she was just giving me a "push" to help me get off my back so to speak.
The unexplainable is what keeps us going. Sending good thoughts your way. :)
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