Taste, or Lack Of

Everything tastes like shit lately. Yesterday, I had some apple cider that was good, and that was it until later. I made Mom's cure-all, potato soup with lots of onion, it was actually pretty tasty. I'm only starting my second week, so it may get lots worse before it's over. And here I am bitching about radiation when chemo is so much worse. I'm thankful I don't have to do that, my whiny ass probably wouldn't survive.

The Club

It seems I've joined a club no one wants to be in, but here we are. I go to treatment, and every other person there for the same thing is all "Hey, Good Morning, How you doing." And I have become my mother and do the same thing. It's kinda cool, actually. We don't support each other enough in everyday life. Sad it has to take cancer to make people be nice to each other.

And here I am again

I drugged up again, and slept for 12 hours, so I should be caught up. Hopefully, I've re-set my sleep cycle. Last night I stayed up late, but got up at 8, so that's cool. I just have to do that again tomorrow because I must get out of the house. I actually have errands that need running, and Annie doesn't bitch much, she'll take care of stuff for me, but I need to take care of myself a bit. So, putting on the big girl panties and leaving the farm tomorrow, wish me luck..

Here I Am

Been a minute, cuz I had to take a minute, or a week. I'm serious about everything hurting. I'm taking more drugs sitting at home than I did when I was working because shit. Boob is good in a couple of weeks, nope. Finally told, warm stuff is good, moves the fluid around. I've seen so many docs, and their people, and I just don't know anymore. I was surprised my surgeon scrip for pain pills, and my regular supply, got filled. So, last night, besides a shitload of booze, I took drugs and CBD oil. I slept for about 6 hours. Better than usual. Funny thing is, I got out of the house today because I needed bread. Beer, smokes, not a priority, I wanted some toast dammit.

Evertything Hurts

Boob hurts, back hurts, pretty much all I do is sit on the couch drink beer, and smoke. I think I'm about done. Annie asked about my drugs, yep, got enough I'll sleep 23 hours of the day, but I'd rather drink for 12 instead. Apparently this has been on my mind. Annie asked if I took my drugs, if I'd drink less. Yep, if I take everything I'm supposed to, I'll really sleep all the damned time. I'm doing my own pain management with the booze, at least I have a minute of a real life every day.

So, It's A New Day

I'm hiding from work. Surgery has worked for a minute, I need to find another reason to not go back there. I see the new Dr. next week about treatment, so hopefully that will give me a few more weeks. I have a message in to my pain Dr. to get an MRI because my back hurts like a mofo. I just can't anymore. Hellmart was never a good fit for me, but I'm just so tired, and so sick of people, I'm done. Trying to do the leave of absence thing to keep my insurance a little longer. Fingers crossed new Doc will fill out that paperwork while I have treatment. Also asked pain Doc to get a scan for my back because I shouldn't hurt this much so, it's a wait and see thing.

Let's Go Ahead and Throw This Out There

Dad's losing his shit. His Sister just died of Alzheimer's a few days ago. If anyone told him, he didn't tell me. Mom did. It still amuses me that they've been divorced most of my life, but she knows what's going on with his family. Since his Mom had it, and my Aunt, and he's not quite right, I'm a bit scared about that too. None of this bodes well for me, since my brain isn't what it used to be either. I told Annie since I have a break before starting treatment, I'm gonna try to go spend a few days with him. All he has is me and the Step-nephew. Step and I have had a conversation lately about all this, cause Dad is afraid he's gonna end up in a home, and none of us want that, but I can't take care of him because of the shape I'm in, Step has a semi-new wife and very new baby, so there's that. The big deal is Dad has a beautiful house on a lake, and rather than sell the place, for whatever reason, I'd like to leave it to Step's kids because he, and they, have grown up there. I can't take care of it, and the money won't do me any good for long because I'm getting a bit long in the tooth, and let's face it, my health ain't great. Babysis is actually my half sister, not that we've ever differentiated there, but Step's family belongs to StepMom, who was always wonderful, so I have that family, and Mom's family if you get me. It's all complicated. All this because Annie doesn't want me to go spend a few days because she's worried about me, and I'm worried about everything else, and Damn, it sucks to get old and have older parents. So, I've vented for today, we may have more whining, or mayhem tomorrow. You never know with me. Just wait till I start the anti-hormones lol.

Good News

So, My 2.1 Centimeter lump had .1 invasive cancer, rest was either pre-cancer or fat, so I'm in pretty good shape. Lymph node was negative. Doc is gonna send me for radiation just in case, and then start me on drugs because I apparently have too much Estrogen. Here I thought testosterone would be the problem lol. I'm feeling much better, except my boob hurts, and apparently the bruise on my back is from my constant heating pad abuse, and I really miss him. We'll talk to the pain doc about that in a couple of weeks. I may seriously have a screw loose, in my back, we know I have one missing in my head. Love ya'll, especially you J.S. Take care.

So, Here We Are

Back hurts, Boob hurts, found out the bruise on my back is most likely from the heating pad that has been my best friend. I miss it.Babysis wants to go to Dr. with me this week cuz she's a good sister. I told her no, but we'll see. Lung scan is Thursday, and I dunno, I'll be surprised if there's not something there. Hell, I've smoked for 40 yrs. They can't look good. I'm just pretty much done. This, treatment or not, we gonna do the back again, because it's not done. Constant pain is not a good thing. Hell-Mart has finished me off. Gonna go sleep for a bit. Later Kids.

Talked To Mom

Mom worried the shit out of me yesterday with calls I didn't answer, and texts I finally got ugly about. I just couldn't deal. I finally called her today and we got everything over with so it's good again. Now I just have to tell Dad. I'm still on the positive side, but couple of weeks till anybody can tell me anything so, still wait and see. Watched 'The Bodyguard', I miss Whitney, and now 'Guarding Tess', been that kinda movie day. Later kids.

Since I'm here, Long Story Coming

If you've been here before, you remember Ms. Sweet. I housesat for her a lot, and her little dog too. Cote looks like a toto, but he's gray. Anyways, Ms. Sweet got dementia, went to a home, and her sister said the home wouldn't let her have Cote anymore. He was my step-dog, so here he came. Longish story short, my Mom has him, and he's old, and dammit. And I still haven't told Mom about cancer, and I really don't want to right now. She may lose Cote soon. I don't want to tell her I'm sick on top of that, especially if I'm gonna be ok. Have to see about radiation, but so far, so good.

Mostly Good

Lymph node was negative, Margin was negative, pretty sure that means the golf ball was it and I'm hopefully cancer free. Yay!

Blue Bayoob

Got die put in tit to show the lymh node, bright blue. I'm still pissing blue too, so woohoo! Waiting for tests, of course, but lump gone along with a lymph node to see how much worrying is in the future. This took the better part of the day, but at least Annie was allowed to go in. She was listed as Spouse on my discharge paperwork, I laughed and laughed. She wasn't so amused. Anyway, besides being blue and sore, Nurse asked me about the bruise on my back after I was done. I hadn't noticed one. I am bruised from love handle to love handle and I don't know why. I haven't noticed it before today, so gonna check with pain Dr. and see if it could be from Stress Test, or if something happened today. It's scary cuz that's where my replacement parts are. After I didn't want anymore surgery, I might as well try to do something else with the back since I've met the deductible now. It hurts more than my boob right now. Anyway, I made it. Can't do anything for a couple of more days, and hope labs are good. Night kids, and love you Grannie.

Avoiding isn't Lying, Right?

Mom has texted and called a couple of times. I've been busy. I haven't been able to lie since I was 16, and I wasn't good at it then. I'm just not answering. I feel like shit because I want to tell her, but she'll just worry, and that's all she can do. She has her own health issues, she doesn't need to add mine. Tuesday, I'll go get it all taken care of for now. There will be radiation after, that's a whole other ballgame. I'll tell Mom when that starts. Maybe. I know I'll have to answer the phone eventually, but I'm hoping for another week, at least. Annie is gonna be there for surgery, and she has enlisted Lucy to come take care of me for a couple of days (heaven help me.) I hope she hasn't told my sister because she can't always be trusted. Anyhow, I need to sleep, I missed my nap today. Later kids.

Frankenfoot for the Win!

Since I can't walk, much less run, on a treadmill I got drugs to raise my heart rate. It was unpleasant because I suddenly couldn't breathe, but Fernando (really his name), told me to just deep breathe through it for a couple of minutes. It actually lasted a little less than that, and then it was just taking out the IV tube and checking me out. All good. Then I got some Peanut Butter crackers and a glass of water before I had to go lie on another stone bed and get pictures taken. I spent more time waiting than the actual testing took. Oh yeah, I got to walk around with my bra in a bag until my pics were done, that was fun. Few minutes after pics, Doc came and got me, told me my heart looked great and I'm on my way. Annie called out of the blue same day and asked me about mastectomy if that's what it takes, told her I don't care, get rid of it by any means necessary so, no we wait until Tuesday when he have to be there at the asscrack of dawn for a 9 a.m. surgery, and then she has to wait half a day because they'll test the lymph nodes and decide how many to take while I'm having a power nap. I'll check back in before then, I'm sure, but here we are so far.

Non-Stop

Saw surgeon yesterday, scheduled lumpectomy for Tuesday, sent me for pre-surgery tests and referred me to a cardiologist. Again, they said they called last week, I don't think so. Anyway, saw him this morning, more bullshit, and a stress test tomorrow. Guess he's afraid I'm gonna die on the operating table or something. Decided not to tell the family anything yet because, hell, nobody can be there. Annie will have to wait in the car, or go do whatever because they won't let anyone in the hospital until afterwards, and then only one person. Alabama folks are idiots, so we're experiencing a covid spike, again. I wear a mask everywhere, even tho I'm vaccinated, more for me than them cuz people are dicks. So that's that latest of the latest. Fun part is my test is at 12 and I can't have caffeine, or drink anything in the morning, or smoke after 9am. I may flunk just from that stress lol. Have a good night kids.

Nubbin

I'm feeding stray cats, cuz I do that. I have cameras instead of me being out there cuz frankenfoot says I can't smoke on the porch anymore. Anyway, Nubbin is a beautiful tabby with white feet. He has a tail, but it's apparently broken, it's curled up on his left side. I want him, hell, I want all of them, but especially him. I'll see if my cat whisperer side is still here.

Farewell Tour

Annie ran into an old friend last night, he was all about wanting to see me. It's been years, and we were friends for years. I even dated his ex for a minute lol. I told her we'd go out next week for my farewell tour and see a few people. She didn't like that. I hope I'm not actually dying, but damn, I'm tired of tests. I blew off the Plastic Surgeon this morning because really? I don't care that much. If they take it off, I don't care as long as the cancer is gone. Since everyone thinks I'm a guy anyway, tits don't matter that much too me. That just kinda makes this ironic. My next thing is next appointments, and after that I have to tell my family and that scares me more than anything. Dad is still here, but kinda losing his shit, the big deal is Mom. She worries. If I tell her I have cancer, she'll be petitioning Jeff Bezos to bring prayers and healing on her oldest daughter. This turned into way more than I meant it to. Guess it needed to go somewhere. Night kids.

Not A Fun Adventure

Today, I got to go strip and lie face down in an MRI machine for 30 minutes. I haven't been on my stomach in years, so that was a feat in itself. I'm just going with it, I didn't hit the panic button, so as long as I can keep doing that, I'm ok. I also had to pee the whole time, so Yay me! I accomplished something. Real Doc wasn't helpful at all, so I'm back to just send my paperwork to everyone and let them sort it out. I won't schedule 2 events in the same day anymore tho. Everything is screaming. Gonna try to chill and sleep. Night kids.

Having Another Day

Been to bed, had to get back up, MRI in the morning and rehearsing my speech for the real Doc because, what I said yesterday. Been printing off paperwork and shit, I have all the insurance, I just need to stay employed long enough to use it. Hence my speech. I'm also scared of the lung scan, we may find gold there. I've smoked for 40 years. I'm not ready to leave my cat, he's got at least 10 yrs left (I hope). My mental state is not good, but I need to get a handle before I talk to the doc tomorrow. Let's see what happens.

Had A Day

I've pretty much been hangin out, drinking and smoking too much because I'm a redneck and that's how we roll. Also sleep is all over the place so....Real Dr. office called to say I need someone else to fill out paperwork for LOA. Going to see real Dr. Wed. anyway so I can ask her to just tell them I had a nervous breakdown before the cancer thing, I can't go back to that place. I've been so miserable for months that I've taken every opportunity to not be there. I have 100 appts over the next couple of weeks, so maybe she'll have my back, otherwise I'm screwed. Guess we'll see..

Whirlwind of Confusion

I saw the surgeon yesterday morning, he's all "Off With Your Tit!" and scheduled me to see a plastic surgeon among other things. The Oncologist in the afternoon was. "I recommend lumpectomy, and then we see." Needless to say, I liked the second opinion better, but both are all about more tests and shit. I have more Dr. Appointments in the next 2 weeks than I've had in at least 5 years. Overall, I'm just tired, my boob hurts from being bounced around, and my back is killing me from sitting in offices all day yesterday. I'm a barrel of laughs. The good thing was Annie took one of my Anti-anxiety pills yesterday since she was travelling with me. She found out what I meant about them making me feel weird, so at least she backed off on that. So.... Other than having to call to fix my work shit, I'm just fine and dandy until next week. Have a good night kids.

I Just Lied To My Mother

Mom called, we haven't talked lately, my fault. Mom's health isn't good and I'm a bad daughter. "How you doing? Great Mom. Working? Yep." None of which is true. I see no reason to worry her, at least not yet. I talked to a friend who has survived breast cancer (and it's still surreal to say that), and things gonna get real soon. She did give me lots of helpful info, so at least I have support I know. I'm putting off telling the family until I have to. I hope I have time to go see them before everything goes to shit. I don't really go home anymore because of my back, so family time has been a big deal the last few years I may lose my chance if I don't go soon. Tuesday is a target. We shall see.

Almost Too Much Trouble

>So I haven't been here in awhile. Took me forever to log in because I don't remember shit anymore. But anyway, Hey Kids! I'm back! So besides my back being my back and the bane of my existence, today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since I have no family history of that, it was a bit of a surprise. I spent most of the day in shock, then actually went out in public and had a coupe of beers and tried to throw darts. Since I couldn't get them on the board I gave up. Came home and couldn't stand up because I don't drink that fast at home, and had a nap. So now here I am. I'm scared shitless. At least the surgeon, who will remove the offending tumor, and probably a lymph node or 6, and the Oncologist who will pump me full of drugs, had the decency to schedule my consultaions for the same day. I'll be completely useless Thursday after seeing both of them Wednesday. We may have a journey here again, because I don't know what the future holds.

Glenn Frey Saved My Life

I know I'm late. I've just been listening to music tonight, which I don't do enough of anymore.
I was working in a restaurant washing dishes at 15, and my first paycheck went to fill up my car, buy a carton of smokes and buy  Eagles Greatest Hits. I'd sit in my dark bedroom with a candle lit and listen to music all the time, they were on heavy rotation. Later I got Eagles Live for Christmas, because it was first on my list, and that's all I did at night. I was in the midst of some angsty teenagery shit, but music pretty much kept me as sane as I was gonna get, and Eagles did it most of the time.

I Lived!

Got a room, told them my birthday 3000 times, and big burly guy starts wheeling me back. None of the automatic doors work, hmmmm. He pushes me into a room with a whole bunch of shiny shit and clutter and, people in scrubs, and just leans over and looks at me. I'm a bit nervous. Another guy says he's my friend, and breathe, and I do and nothing, then the fucker gave me something cuz I woke up in a totally different place.

I had a morphine machine for the night, I wanted to marry her, but they took her away the next morning. Bitches.

Long story short, I have a bunch of metal in my back which makes me better. I can walk without the cane, and the pain is way better. Frankenfoot may not ever get back, but still better than he was so I'm feeling ok with that. 

And Here we Go

I will be having surgery again since second opinion was a repeat of the first. Gotta get it done before the end of the year because of the money thing so I'll be getting out of hospital on X-mess Day. I don't care since I don't like the holiday anyway, but it fucks up everything for family. They're being good with it except Mom doesn't want me to do it, and frankly, I've never been scared before. I kinda am this time. Maybe it's just because everything has been so ugly so far, I don't know. I'm sure I'll be fine, but the whole getting ready thing has been stupid. 1st new Dr. appt. was lost, schedule with Dr. and Insurance was different, bloodwork today had me down for a different time than they gave me on the phone,..Hmmmm. Maybe I should rethink this  lol
Oh yeah, had to go back because they didn't take enough blood the first time, so they got to see me twice today.
Maybe I'll call the original Dr. and see if he can get me in instead.

Perspective, kinda

I have a Dr. appt. tomorrow to see if my Dr. is full of shit or not. My Dr. is all "Are you better than you were?" Yes, I am. "Am I as good as I'm gonna get?" Yes, without more surgery. Unacceptable.
Realized today, I don't hurt when I'm sleeping, but at least I'm sleeping because I couldn't for awhile because I hurt. I'm just tired of it. I hurt like hell yesterday, but for some reason I found a good mood, I haven't had one of those in a long time either. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Passionate Kisses?

Passion, lack of, specifically. Not necessarily romantic, just passion about anything. I didn't realize I'd lost mine until I heard a song. Music used to be my everything, happy, sad, whatever. Not so much anymore. Pretty much not at all anymore. I don't know if it's just depression, age, or whateverthefuck.
There is not much joy in my life these days, I have gone back to work, and yes, it's ugly. I'm managing that as best I can, but even before all this, I gave up on my music. I need to find that again, but I'm not sure how. I'm playing Doom, an old ass game because I used to care about that too, and listening to radio, hence the music. I feel 100 instead of 50 today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

This is Fun

Work is painful as hell, and I'm sitting on my as most of the time so really? Just life is painful, but there is not a moment I don't hurt, is this normal? I'm really tired of this shit. I see Dr. don't give a shit on the 13th and I'll be sure to be in a bad mood so we can have words. Fuck him and his "Are you better?" I'm not better anymore. I'm off the couch and something resembling walking, but I'm not me anymore.
I took 2 aleve, ran my ass off, opened and closed a garage door 100 times a day on top of lifting boxes, moving pallets.......you get the idea.
Today, I can't even pick up a  case of beer, can't walk more than 100 yds without a break, and aleve is  nothing. 2 hrs later I have to take something else because I hurt that much. I still hurt, but it becomes bearable. This is a crock of shit, I shouldn't hurt this much, I shouldn't have swelling, I should be well by now dammit.

RIP Veronica

You were a great dog. Whoever dumped you because you were pregnant did us both a favor. You got a loving home, and we got a loyal, loving dog. We also got your psycho daughter, but the tradeoff is worth it. She's sweet too, just not as laid back as you. She's now lying in the kitchen because she doesn't know what to do without you, but she'll be ok. I love you my dear, and miss you. Have fun running with everyone else, I know they're happy to see you.

Things Change

Annie suddenly brought up Veronica the other night, we came to the decision that it's coming, but she didn't want to do it just yet. Things aren't really worse than they have been, but something changed with her apparently. Yesterday she didn't want to do it this weekend, today she has it scheduled for Saturday. I didn't ask what changed her mind, and won't. It's time. I guess it's because we've never planned before that it bothers me, but hell, I've been wanting to for awhile now because she's having trouble. And that's all I have to say about that.

I Hate Doctors V1.2

Saw new Doc today, I actually shaved for this visit since he was looking at my veins. Yes, they suck, but he can't say that's what my problem is, so back to Ortho's problem, which means it's still my problem since Ortho doesn't give a shit. I did go get some shiny new stockings, which kill my left leg and that's probably not good, but at least I have them.
It's pretty bad when you're hoping for a blood clot, which will hopefully show up in the ultrasound I'll have Monday. At least that will be grounds for I can't go back to work, because there's still no way. If I have to I will, and hang around till they fire me because I'm not gonna be able to do much. The other problem is if I can do anything, I need a few hours to make it worthwhile for me to drive out there. At least something is better than nothing. I guess. I'm kicking myself for not trying for temporary disability, but I'm a pessimist, I really don't think that was gonna happen, and given the state of affairs in my state, I'm probably right.
I'm waiting till Monday to talk to work, get the test done, and that'll give me another week because they won't make the schedule until Saturday of next week, so I'm buying as much time as I can.
Off to sleep because I had to be up at the crack of dawn today and I've gotta do shit tomorrow whether I like it or not. Later.

Funny What You Remember

I was looking at ads, figuring out the grocery shopping and whole chickens are 59 cents a lb. For some reason that triggered a memory. As a kid I never knew you could buy chicken in parts. Mom always bought the whole one and we cut it up, and that was dinner that night.
I used to be a much better cook, when I was 12 lol because I cooked a lot. Mom worked so I was in charge of dinner most nights. During the summer I also did breakfast and lunch. We had pancakes a lot because they were easy, so I thought, back then I made them from scratch instead of from a mix, and obviously they were edible. We had eggs a lot for awhile because I'd seen someone crack one one-handed, so I had to learn how. I still do them that way.
Ok, funny shit to me, lots of memories in that cooking that I haven't thought about in years. I'll have to tell Mom about it. She'll get a kick out of some of it.

The Good, Bad, and The Weird

The good. Annie talked me into The Dive Friday night and The Assholes showed up. We threw a whole 3 games of darts and had a good time. I didn't hurt until Saturday, Sunday and today. Still, it's progress so I'm down with that.
The bad, besides my typing because I really need to cut my nails again. I found out someone I know passed away Saturday. I was thinking she was older than me, but nope, just had a harder life I guess. I've known her for years casually since her husband is a bartender/  manager. We hung out with a lot of the same people through the years. She was usually the one we made fun of because she was always too drunk to function.
Then I went to work at HellMart and she was there. She was always pleasant, professional and very cool. I revised my opinion, but never told her, or anyone about what I thought before.
I don't know what happened for sure, someone said she'd been sick. My opinion is she drank herself to death after HellMart fired her not long after she came back from medical leave. That thought hurts my heart, and I wish I'd told her how much I did appreciate her when I had the chance. She was a good woman with a horrible problem (I say as I sit here drinking another beer and shot of tequila).
I guess the weird is how much her death has bothered me. Hell, I cry at TV sometimes, but don't get all torn up about real people enough. I want to go to visitation at least, but it's way out there and I don't drive very far, and don't really have gas money, and I'm making excuses. So I may or may not.
Anyway, that's pretty much that for today. Our regularly scheduled "My Psychotic Ass" will return soon. Later kids.

Just Because

Frankenfoot was behaving for a bit, not so much this week, and I don't know why. It's frustrating as hell. I made a point of telling Annie how it was good Monday after getting out and about. Maybe that was it. It blew up Tuesday, and yesterday I went to dinner, by the time I got home you could see every strap from my sandal.
I'm supposed to lunch and throw darts with The Gnome tomorrow. We'll see if I do, and how things are after. Maybe it'll be awesome :)

I Told A Lie

Kinda, somewhat. Yeah, I guess I did. Someone asked if I was still blogging, told her No. Partly because she's FB friends with my Mother and we don't want any of that, and partly because all I do lately is whine, and she kicks my ass about the whining so there was no point in saying yes.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it Dammit.

The latest news in this odyssey is work wants me to come back! In shitty positions I can't do because I still have Frankenfoot, and a cane, can't walk, stand, or wear shoes for long so..... Back to the same old shit except now I have no income. It's about to get real up in here.

I went to The Assholes for dinner tonight since Annie was providing the fish, and it was in the freezer here so there was no point in her coming home to get it when it's closer for her to go there from work. We've swapped vehicles too since I can't clutch, Dammit. I wasn't happy about getting out, but dinner was awesome, and I'm tired of getting shit about my weight so I'm trying to eat more. I figure 10 lbs will shut everyone up.

Veronica is still hanging in there, eating like a Champ lately, so still not having that conversation. I was sitting outside earlier looking for meteors (not a one to be seen), and she was all head in lap saying Hi, or kill me now, I'm not sure. I don't think she's ready, but I know she's hurting, so I'm having a hard time with this one. I know Annie doesn't want to for various reasons, but we are gonna have to face it eventually. Let's just hope it's not today.

Ok, think I may have gotten everything out for now. Maybe. I'll go watch some stupid tv until daylight or so, and maybe sleep. I got used to sleeping a lot, but the last few days/nights, not so much. I have catching up to do.

Later kids.

Having A Day

Things are better, but still ugly. I made it to the grocery store today and took care of business, so I accomplished something, WOOHOO!
The other thing is Annie has left town for a few days and I'm scared to death Veronica is gonna die on me while she's gone. She's eating if I take the food to her, and apparently still going outside, but won't get up at all when I ask, and I can't pick her up, and I tried to have this conversation with Annie a couple of weeks ago and she pretended not to hear me, and yeah.
I'm really tired of being a Sad Sack, but Dammit. I've always been the strong one, physically at least, and I can't do shit. I can finally reach the floor to pick stuff up, but I have no strength or stamina, foot and leg are still shit, still better but not used to be me.
I want Used to be Me back. I miss her. She was an Asshole, but I liked her. She served me pretty well for most of my years.
These days I'm watching bad tv and having beer with a coffee chaser at 4am because my sleep schedule is completely gone. I may or may not sleep all day when I finally get there.
Fun times.

There's A Light...

...over at the Frankenstein place. That's because there ain't one here yet. Same old shit plus getting runaround from Dr. because his docs didn't back up the restrictions he gave me to go back to work, so I'm gonna miss out on that last paycheck because short term disability is about to run out. My dumb ass never thought I'd need more than 6 weeks off, much less 6 months, so I didn't sign up for long term. I forgot I'm an old lady now and shit might happen. Oh well. It is what it is.
I'm tired of whining and crying about the shit because there's nothing at all I can do about it, so fuck it. I'll make it one way or another.
Now I think I might try to sleep again, I went to bed earlier but everything hurt so I got back up, made breakfast and coffee, had both and went back to beer just because I could.
Have a good day kids, I'm sure I'll be a ray of sunshine again soon.

Fomer Workplace is Kinda Not Yet

Can't work with the restrictions, but not completely let go yet. Manager I talked to, talked to Store Manager I don't know and convinced him to approve a personal leave after my Disability leave runs out. I think I can get by with my share of the insurance while out on that, (so did she) so we'll see. Finally getting my shit together for SS disability because I may need it for reals.
We'll see how it goes.

Well, That Was Nice

Ortho was very nice when he told me my options were have more surgery, or he has to release me to go back to work, and let them decide if I'm still a viable member of society or not. I don't think he'll be getting an X-mess card this year.
I couldn't deal with going to the workplace today because I was bummed, and Frankenfoot was alive and well. I figure if I can walk into the place looking like I'm not completely incapacitated..........yeah, who am I kidding. No way in hell right now. I can't get out of the house without the cane because my balance is so bad, it looks like I'm drunk all the time.
Family Dr. called, I have no Vitamin D so I'll pick up a supplement while I'm at the soon to be former job tomorrow.
Other than that, Annie has been really awesome, and that's about the only good thing these days. If she wasn't so supportive I probably would have blown my head off long before this. I think she's staying in the living room with me to make sure I don't kill myself tonight lol.
Not funny, but it's crossed my mind to check out. But I can't. Besides my family, Cat would never forgive me, I'm his Human.

Anyway, that's that for today. There may be some crying tomorrow after I actually visit the soon to be former workplace. Have a good night kids.

I Really Hate Doctors

Been to the family Dr. after Ortho said Frankenfoot wasn't his problem. She says it's nerve damage (pending bloodwork to rule other things out) which does make it his problem, so here I am. At least I see him Tuesday, and should get bloodwork results then or before, and it doesn't really matter because either way, I'm still pretty much fucked. It's my problem in the end because dammit, I can't do shit.
Had a bad day, everything felt pretty good, thought I could clutch enough to drive my car. Didn't really want to go anywhere, just wanted to. Hit clutch a few times, decided it would be supremely unwise to get on the road, and came back inside where everything that felt pretty fine started to hurt.
I'm tired of being a crybaby, but I'm really tired of not being able to do anything either.

Guess That Settled That

After 6 hours out and about I had to come home and take a nap. Then I had to have another nap a few hours later. This morning my foot is about  3 times it's normal size. There's no way in hell I'll be able to go back to work. I'm having coffee with a beer chaser for breakfast before I have another nap, hopefully in my bed this time to see if that helps anything. Will have to arrange transportation to the other Dr. before I see the Ortho again to see what she thinks. Reading posts on the Internet is a dangerous and scary thing. Some say it is related to surgery, others, not so much, but either way, there's a problem. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm sure there will be more shits and giggles before it's over. Wheeeeee!

Whining Revisited

I'm a week from seeing Dr. again, I AM better, I'm just not good. And according to last visit, my swollen foot that's impeding progress is not his problem. It didn't do that before surgery, but he says I need to see my family Dr. because it could be a number of other things, mostly involving vital organs. Nice. If vital organs are fucked up it's probably from the plethora of pills I've been on for months now because I don't take drugs. LOL. Ok, I didn't. Now I do.
They aren't working as well as they used to either so I'm not taking so many because what's the point?  Oh yeah, one of them stops me from crying when the lightning bolt shoots out of my foot, sometimes.
Sooooo, back to Dr. visit. He's probably gonna tell me I can go back to work. Work disability runs out soon. Besides the fact that my job is no longer my job, I can't function in polite society for more than a couple of hours at a time without crying in pain. I've tried to party, it ain't working.
I had a good day and told Annie I was all good, work had to find something for me and if I could do it for 3 months I could take another leave to take care of foot, or whatever else is going on and she said "And then apply for permanent disability."
She, my mom, and my sister have been on that bandwagon since the beginning of this bullshit, and I'm starting to think they may have something. I don't like it, I never have, but hell, I'm pretty much useless still.
 True test will be Tuesday when I take another friend to a Dr. Appt. I'll probably be there all day. I hope they'll give me a shot on her tab while I'm there, because I''m pretty sure it's gonna be ugly.
Rambling, I know. Surgery was supposed to fix me. It didn't. The fact that he was talking about more surgery at my last visit pretty much used up my trust in him. But I've got to have a job, and insurance and all that good shit because I'm already in debt because of this with insurance.
Good thing is beer and smokes will go out the window before I'll let Cat starve.
Ok, I'm tired of my own whining so I'll stop. I need to cut my nails too because my typing sucks, and I've gotta figure out how to shave my legs without killing myself. Night kids.

Whining

I've been having a few months here. I try not to say much on FB because there are people with chronic pain living with their shit every day. Same with cancer, far as I know I don't have any and lots of people are dealing with that every day. I didn't crow about moving my pinky toe the other day because some people never will. I'm just tired of the I'm supposed to get better, and it's not happening much. I'm tired of hurting every day, and tired of not being able to do shit for myself, and all back to, I'm supposed to be getting better and be able to do shit again. It's not happening. I'm running out of time on my disability, so I'm either gonna be unemployed, or trying to get temporary disability because I can't even do a desk job right now, I'm pitiful. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm trying to take care of as much as I can financially while I still have some income since I may not have any next month. After that, Annie will take care of me and Cat as best she can, but she really shouldn't have to and I'm back to being so fucked.
Rant for the night. Probably be another coming soon.

One of My Old Girls is Dying

We have outside dogs. Mom and her pup. Pup is 10  now and Mom is suddenly not doing too well.
I'm  a bit more upset than Annie seems to think is warranted, but I'm all like that.
I'm also just a mess of upset these days so there we go,

Here We Go Again

So. 3 weeks after back surgery, here I am. I'm pitiful, I hurt, I'm depressed, and yesterday I realized I'm Lucy when she was re-habbing here. I got so mad because it was a constant cycle of stupid tv and playing games on her phone. I'm doing the same thing because now I see. There's really nothing else you can do. I sleep when I can, eat when I have to because the plethora of pills is killing me, but nope, nothing fun, nothing new, might as well just go with mindless as she called it. She was right.
At this point, I don't see me getting well enough to work again, which is unaccepatable to me, but there it is.
I'd pretty much quit smoking on the vapor, but I'm back to being a smokestack because I'm bored and cigarettes and caffeine seem to help more than alcohol. Kinda scary. Anyways, that's the latest, I usually just sit here with my phone or tablet instead of my computer. Tonight I went old school because I can't type for shit on either of those. Later kids.

It's Tuesday.

I work, I do more than I'm supposed to do at work because I'm me. I tried for a transfer to the place my other manager went. Nothing happened. He called again today to talk to The Idiot.
I'm hurt. Apparently she has a chance to go somewhere else, and I don't.
Bit down about it, but I'll reach out. I really don't want this to be the end of my being.

I am on my way to something better, so I'm all good now.

Might Get Scary

Things ain't been right, but I've been tired and stressed and all that so I haven't paid much attention.
Today I did really stupid shit 3 times. I don't remember what the first one was, and the last one took me awhile to recognize. Since I don't remember the first, the last  was opening microwave popcorn before putting it in the microwave. I did it twice, couldn't figure out what was happening. A bit later it dawned on me.
Think I may have hit my head too many times.

Really?

I was house sitting for a week. I came home to a week's worth of mess because she's an idiot.
I fed her over there because she was there almost every day I was so I'm just having a moment about this.
I don't think she can function on her own.

I'm Irritable

Having one of those. Friday I messed up, manager looked more upset than was warranted. I maintained, other manager who is usually all up in my face never said a word, so may be shit coming Monday.
I was also way more sensitive than I needed to be Friday so hope that's all my imagination and it goes Poof.
It's Sunday and I've been to a new Dive Bar because I was pissed and it was somewhere else to go, and I think I really just need to get a new life.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. It looks like I might. Unfortunately, it's not gonna end the way I wanted.
I should  be looking for something else, but the last fight we had I said |"I don't want a normal relationship, I want you." How fucked up is that.


And there it is. I want familiar instead of good. I'm so fucked.

An Episode

I went to Spawn's football game today, where he was awesome. I'm not sure what happened to me, but it wasn't fun at all. I was hot and sweaty, but suddenly I was blind, even with sunglasses on, everything went white, invisible, and just weird. WebMD says it's anything from an ear infection to a mini stroke. Internet scares the hell outta me too.
I am making a Dr. appt. because it's been too long and I think I would like a warning if I'm gonna kick off. At least I can plan if I'm going somewhere. Ok, that was a "Maybe there's something going on I might need to know about." Massive heart attack that takes me right out is acceptable because I'll never know I left. Plans need to be made if there's a something else going on.
I know I make no sense. And I really need to go to bed. I have to do a family reunion with people I don't know tomorrow.
Let's hope I have an ear infection :)

Stuff and Idiots Round 35

I found out through FB of all places that people I care about called it quits lately. Thanks for letting me know. It made me sad. I understand we don't see each other often, but damn, you're family. Anyway.

Just got a call from Annie. After the knee debacle of the last 3 or so months? She had to have a tooth extracted Friday. Took her got it done, she's been on the couch. Today she decides to go do stuff and I'm doing other stuff cuz I'm really tired of being her slave. Calls me cuz she feels all weird and maybe I need to come get her. "She only took a diet pill." Dumbass. Told her she's only supposed to be taking what she's prescribed at the moment for her mouth and knee. Dumbass.

Get to go back to work tomorrow to I'm not sure what kind of dumbassery because I took off Friday to take Annie to the Dentist so Wheeee!

Hope y'all had a great weekend.

Here We Go Again

I'm off to Armpit tomorrow because Mom is having a procedure Friday. I was hoping to just show up at the place and all that because I'm selfish and don't want to deal. Nope. Hopefully everything will be fine and I'll just be out some sleep and she'll feel better because her oldest daughter spent some time with her.
And yes, I'm a terrible person because I don't spend enough time with her, or Spawn, or anyone else because I am selfish, and tired, and just want to be by myself most of the time. Since that rarely happens, I guess I should go hang out with them more, because hell, I'm never alone at home these days either.
Anyway. If you're here, say a prayer, send a good thought, whatever you do, that Mom will be ok. I'm spineless, but not heartless, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

Think it's Time For The Crutch To Go Too

I gave up my smokes for the vape, so I've been alternating Marlboro and Salem. They both taste like shit. Added menthol to my spearmint vape, it helped for a second, now that tastes like shit again. I think it's time to just give up completely. That was the goal anyway, except I wasn't really on board with quitting, but since I'm here I might as well.
I'm still pissed I let my "So-Called Friends" pick this route for me, but since I started it, I might as well finish it with grace, and flip them off when I'm done. I still have some attitude dammit.

I'm seeing and feeling a lot of things differently these days, probably from all the bullshit over the last couple of months. I guess I needed to put a foot down and hear what they had to say about it instead of just going along playing nice about everything. I've been doing that for too long, and letting myself be manipulated into what I didn't really want to do because it's easier to go along and get along.

Not really worth it anymore.

I Delete, and I should Stop

I write my feelings, I guess I should write them somewhere else because I keep deleting them here. Ok, growing some balls, all stupid shit stays here. I own it no matter what. My mother's influence, wondering what people might think. I don't think I give a shit what people think, but, apparently part of me does. I can say fuck on facebook which pisses off my mother, but when I get real here, I get rid of some of it because somebody might see it.
It's a new ballgame now, sorry kids.

New News

Oncologist doesn't think cancer is back, but biopsy is still coming from other Doc to make sure so still in wait mode.

Oncologist's opinion on fixing things was same as bone doc, so all good. Fingers crossed it works.

Sad beyond sad about Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall. At least she had a long life, I'm sorry he felt the need to end his so early.

Watermelon vapor sucks, and now I'm going to bed. I think I'll buy actual cigarettes tomorrow because I'm not doing any good at the quitting thing, I'm still smoking, but they're not my brand and they suck. I might as well smoke what I want if I'm not giving up, so there we go. All caught up.

Updates are Available

Been quiet for awhile because I've been just not dealing. Lots of shit happened, Mom met car last week because I met her and family for dinner the week before in the Jeep, and he died in the parking lot. Had to get to reunion, so told her about car. She and Dad have had whatever words, I haven't seen him yet and she's been at the beach this weekend.

She's been to the Dr. a few times. Long story short, cancer may be back and in her bones because they're just breaking all on their own. Going to get biopsied soon, was waiting till vacay was over to deal with it.

I was waiting till vacay was over to deal with it too, so tomorrow starts a new worry cycle.

I'm home, hanging with Annie, her gimp was not the fake I thought, she has a fracture so there's ice and her attempting to be really good about staying off it when it suits her and I'm a bit bitter about everything right now so I think I'll stop and go do something else. I have to work tomorrow and it is beating the shit out of me lately.

I have A Dilemma

Mom is not well. I don't think Dad is doing all that good either, but he doesn't talk about it. And doesn't want me to know or talk about it, and hell, I"m drunk, so here we go.
Dad bought me a car, which Mom would be thrilled about, but he doesn't want her to know because she kind of egged him into it. I can't go see her in the new car she doesn't know about without causing a new shitstorm because she can't keep her mouth shut if she finds out and then he'll be pissed she found out, so I'm avoiding both parents right now which makes me a bad daughter and I hate that.
The Elephant isn't really the car, it's because he could, she can't, but she mentioned it to him on Facebook. I wish that thing had never come into being because it's wonderful and terrible at the same time.
This is why I keep this place. I can say shit here I can't anywhere else because other than Jackiesue, blog and facebook don't overlap.

The other thing is the whole Annie and The Assholes thing. She still goes over there, I don't. She invited me today, I said I didn't think I was invited or welcome, and her reply gave me the "It's all your fault" thing. So I guess that's done. And Annie is next if that's how she feels.

Part of that is someone I never see was at the bar this afternoon, and drunk, but wanted to talk to me because she saw that travesty of me calling them out on FB and had to give me her opinion on it, loudly. She was hurt that my friends would give up on me over something that stupid. So was I. But I gave up too, and actually, I feel better for it. I cried for a few days, but I wasn't wrong and feel no need to call and say "Sup?
Apparently they feel the same so. done. Gone Done Moved On.
Bedtime for Bonzo.

And Here We Go Again

Annie came home last night. I carried her crutches in the house because she's getting along just fine without them when she's not in public. Just shaking head and going on with that. She invited me to The Asshole's this afternoon, told her I didn't think I was welcome or invited, and yep, that's all my fault, I gave them no choice, blah , blah, blah. So I may be losing another one.
Not in the mood at all. Will be going to sleep real soon because I'm a tired bitch. Later.

Don't Know Why

Feeling down. Annie is still away, went to Dr. today and went back home with her Sis after visiting The Dive and The Asshole's house. Waiting for an MRI to see if she's ok, but seems to be so... She's stoned or something when we talk, I haven't talked to The Assholes, but assuming I am not welcome since nothing has been said. I'm not real sad about them, but dammit I miss the cat lol.
Also waiting for new job to open so I can apply and hope the hell I get there. Idiot wants to talk to me lately and I just really don't have any use for her. I'm too polite to be really rude, but I'm being as much as I can.
Just not liking things right now, and not liking me much right now even though I haven't done anything. Guess it's PMS even tho that never happens anymore. Think I need to sleep. Still have to get up in the morning .

There May Be A Light Coming

My favorite managers are leaving to open a new store. It's around the corner from my house. I'm applying as soon as it is possible to do so, and told them both I plan to. Hopefully it'll work out. Unless somebody makes up some bullshit, there's nothing against me transferring, and these guys will get me there if it's at all possible. They're 2 of the 3 that have actually shown appreciation that I do my job, so fingers crossed. Smaller place, do the same job(s) I do now since I'm technically a third of the back room, but can and have done all 3. I'd be happier without the other 2 anyway so...
Let you know in a couple of months.

Persona Non Grata

Apparently I did it this time.
The  "We can agree to disagree" really doesn't extend to me having an opinion. The wife has not only unfriended me, but left Facebook. Annie still goes over there, but not gonna ask because there's really no point. Our friendship was pretty much forced on me by her before they got married so it's not like I've lost a lot. They did, but don't know it. This is why their name has always been The Assholes. I didn't change it after we started getting along because , well, because. It's nice to know I was right about something because I was wrong about everything else I tried to tell them.
C'est la Vie.

I'm so Fucking Pissed about SCOTUS

Friends, so I thought, I swam in their pool, was about to have dinner, when news came on the DVR'ed Jeopardy we were gonna watch. He asked what went on today because they were talking about Hobby Lobby. I told him. He did a fist pump and yelled "YES". I said sorry, going home. We've always agreed to disagree, and he said that. I just told him yeah, but that was different. It's total bullshit. He's the friend who ordered the Vape for me too, so he's already been controlling me so I'm really, really pissed.

I never should have gone over there today anyway. I need to listen to myself more. I'll start tomorrow because I could have avoided that mess by just coming home in the first place.

Won't make that mistake again.

Smoking

I'm trying to stop. It's not easy or fun. I have a giant phallus to suck on, but it's not the same. I still have a cigarette, some days more than 1 or 12, but I'm doing really well actually. I only buy 2 packs every 3 or 4 days instead of every day. Since I told the store owner I was quitting he isn't ordering for me anymore so at last count I had 7 packs. It makes me nervous. I like smoking. Vaping is ok, but it's not the same.
I'm feeling pressured to quit since my last smoker friend quit. He's the one who ordered the phallus for me btw. I don't like being bullied, and that's how I'm feeling right now so I want to rebel and say "Hell NO", but I know it's good for me and all that. Days I have laid off smokes, I've been breathing better, so I'm gonna do it. Dammit, I'm gonna kick and scream, but I will.

Since I've Been Asked

No I haven't quit. I just don't have too much to say these days. Or, actually, I just don't say much of anything these days. I spend too much time away, where I drink way too much and by the time I get home, it's pretty much all over.

I spend most nights having dinner at The Asshole's house. Dinner means, a shitload of beer, at least a couple of shots of tequila, and whatever culinary dish she saw on the Food Network that day. Oh, and Jeopardy! Baby.

It's a new rut, and one I need to get out of because besides the fact that I drink way more, I'm gaining weight and I'm really happy skinny (er).

Going housesitting tomorrow so that'll help, but I still have to hang around here because Annie is always in Tn on weekends since her Dad died. Still a bunch of sad about that.
Anyway, off to probably sleep soon because I'm a tired puppy, I'm still too old for this shit.

Shocked and Sad

A friend who I don't see often, but a friend nonetheless, wound up in the Emergency Room over the weekend. Cryptic messages from other friends on facebook got the point across that he was beaten up.

Got the whole story today and I'm just appalled. He's a gay man. We all know that, I was afraid some asshole at a bar cleaned his clock because , well, just some asshole at a bar. I've never known him to have a boyfriend, but apparently he's been seeing someone pretty seriously lately so all good.

His brother beat the shit out of him because he brought boyfriend to a family outing. His brother, who knows. Apparently it was ok to know, but not to see.

As bad as it is to be me, I'm thankful my family has let me be me, and accepted whoever I was seeing. Hell, they became family, and still are, whether they're around or not. I can't imagine the hurt he must feel after this.

I'm Sad, and Tired

I think they kinda go together. The tired probably brought on the sad. I did go help Annie with the yard that weekend. This weekend,  I didn't leave the house unless I had to, so my Mom isn't happy. I just needed some down time. I sleep for shit, drink too much and still manage to work, and work my ass off while I'm there, so I dunno.
I need to change something because there's no joy in my life right now. I had it for a minute or 2 when I got the car, and now poof. I'm making an appointment with the Dr. just because I haven't visited one in quite awhile so maybe a blood test can tell me if there's something going on besides just me being crazy.
I'm really tired of this shit. So, now that we're all caught up, I'll go play games or something and go to bed. YAY!

So Here I Am

I've been away too long. I've missed this place. I can say whatever I want here, I can't really do that anywhere else these days because someone is sure to get their panties in a wad.
Annie is having a hard time with her Dad's death. Hell, I'm having a hard time with it, but our "friends" are all, "it's your birthday, come party and leave that all behind." They seem to forget her mom is home alone, and there's stuff to be done, and yes, I realize we are both probably a little too focused  on that right now, but it is what it is.
I also know I may call Annie in the morning and tell her I'm too tired to come help do stuff, but right now my plan is to get up and go help out so she can take her mom to something she enjoys.

So this day is ending for me because I am beat to hell. I've got to get some sleep. Our friends can fend for themselves. Lately I'm not liking them much anyway. Maybe it's just the situation, we've all been moody for one reason or another, but I'm tired of the bullshit.

Night kids.

Because I Can

I've gotten a couple of texts from Annie tonight, she's just now getting that yep, he's gone and things are different. It's kinda her first rodeo, she hasn't lost anyone close until now. I'm glad for her for that, but it's a whole different world too.
In the South at least it's like a Carnival. Someone dies and there are people, and food, and someone cleans your floors, and takes out your trash, and it's still, just people all the time. And you're gracious and thankful for those people just because it's what you do. And they're there because that's what they do. Then the funeral is over, the tents get packed up, and everyone goes home. You're in a house that used to have another person in it, wondering what the hell went on.
Make a pot of coffee and take a cup out to him because you forgot, want to say something, and they're not there. Look up at the chair he always sits in while you're in the garden, and he's not there.
It takes a minute, and the sad sets in. It takes a long time for that to go away, but eventually you learn, and you deal, and they're still missed, but it's not a heart stopping moment every time.

I hope the healing starts really soon for everyone.

Goodbye to a good man

I loved Annie's dad. Apparently it was reciprocated. Last year Annie told me he worried about sending me  an X-mess present, which was new, but sure as shit, he sent me a card and some money. Same thing this year. Think it's because I spent so much time up there while I was unemployed and we got to know each other a little better. (Ok, I wasn't in my "don't speak to me" shell anymore.) I've always thought a great deal of both of her parents, but him especially because he was quiet, and sometimes others don't get us.

He was laid to rest today, he will be missed greatly by a lot of people. I wish his family peace. And I'll be around since his wife said She, Annie and I are planting the garden this year, so if y'all need some 'maters I can probably hook you up :)

I'm Offensive

Offender, Offendiverodorous? I dunno. I made a crack about Zombie Jesus and ham.........Apparently that makes me persona non grata. Oh Well.
I have religious  friends, and Republican friends, and I'm able to look past that. Apparently they are sometimes not able to look past my I don't give a shit, so they'll cease to be friends.

Sad Day

A Husband, Father, and Friend left today. Annie's father has been sick for awhile. At least he's not suffering anymore because he did a lot of that recently.

I'm sad, but glad, and I hate both feelings right now.

Discord

I haven't heard a peep, but I'm pretty sure there was a major fight at The Asshole's house Sunday night. Annie seemed a bit put out she wasn't invited over there yesterday, I don't ask, so I was good with it. We went over for dinner tonight and  things were a bit tense to me. Annie doesn't notice anything, and I'm not saying anything to her because she's her. She'd ask, and I don't think things are good enough to talk about with us yet. I said thanks for dinner after we cleaned up the kitchen, and got the hell outta there because it seemed like a good idea.
If , and probably, there was a fight, I got brought into it because I took her to a bar while he was golfing. Her idea, but I was still complicit in her drunkenness, even tho she was trashed when I picked her up. And he was completely hammered when he got home, and I said "Hi' and took off because I knew there was a thunderhead looming. I feel bad because I do love them both. But yeah, the winds, they are a changing.

I think I'll be doing the home thing for a few days because I need to anyway. Also got a message earlier that something might be wrong with Dad, but of course he never tells me anything so I have to check in with him. And Mom, she had a Dr. visit today about her boobs, and I think I need to go to bed and hug my pussy since he's sleeping with me again. Maybe the world will right itself tomorrow.

Sun was Shining

I put a bunch of music on a usb disk and went for a drive. It was awesome. I love my car, it turns like the Jeep, and it zooms. 9 speakers were awesome while I was zooming around. Sun was shining, I was singing, it was a good day.

I haven't felt this good in a long time. I need to do this more often.

Poetic Justice

I've been actually friending some people from my old High School about a reunion I have no intention of going to, but it's been kinda fun to see what they're up to. I left said school when I was a Sophomore because of bullshit about me being gay. Ok, I ran away from home to be with my one true love. I was an idiot. On the other hand, if I hadn't gotten out, I might have tried to conform and be even more miserable than I am now lol.

That was the intro to the real story. I was on probation at that point in  my life because my mother couldn't/wouldn't get it, so shit was done and there I was. My probation officer was happily planning her wedding to the Macho Cop during this time. Bride magazines were all over her office when I went to see her.

I did my time, ran away for the last time for that love we won't speak of again and a few years later heard that probation officer came home one day to find Macho Cop Husband in bed with a Macho Cop he'd been working with. It was more funny to me because the night of my arrest that led to the bullshit, he was standing in the corner while she went through my shit, and I knew he wasn't really that Macho.

I was 16 when this happened so it did make my 19 yr old self laugh because she was a seriously homophobic bitch, I just didn't know the word for it back then.

Anyways, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, and putting my ass in the bed soon. I just needed to get that outta my system.

So it's not a Camaro

I wanted a Camaro, I drove one, liked it, but it was like the QE2 so I got over it.
I got small, and comfy, and OMG I love it. I zip, zoom and I'm gonna get great gas mileage when I get over blowing people off the road in it.

Ain't Gonna Believe This

Dad bought me a car. I can't tell facehell about that yet  because of Mom, but WOOHOO! I'll have a new car hopefully Monday. They had to go find my color, and manual tranny, and yeah I got some bells and whistles because I could. I can't stand myself right now. Hopefully I can afford to get the Jeep's engine rebuilt now since I have something to drive and I'll be in car heaven :)

Taxes

I did mine, sort of, tonight. The state wants half an arm. I don't get it. If I take any more money out of my check I won't be able to feed the cat. All my plans for that whopping 300 I'm getting back from federal just went out the window. Bastids. Time to sleep since I have to go back to the shitty job tomorrow.

I bitch, it sucks to be me, but I know it could be worse. At least I have a shitty job, because I was about ready to slit my wrists when I didn't have one. At least then I got a refund dammit.

LOL, so it goes.........now I really will go to bed.

I know Better

I went to The Assholes for lunch, it turned into dinner. I knew better, but still did it. I don't like them too much because they're always drunk. Me being there turns into me being drunk.
Babysis called, needed something, then threw the dog at me. Yes, the dog has lost a lot of her quality of life.
I love that dog, and it pained me to tell her yes, she should do it. I'm crying and playing Doom because it's too early for me to go to sleep. I think I'll go shoot a few more things and go to sleep anyway.

Music

I'm listening to Melissa Etheridge for some reason tonight. I used to belong to her fan club, followed her everywhere, I got over her at some point apparently. Guess I need to take that Brave and Crazy tag off my Jeep too, HA.
Annie came through and asked me if Melissa was touring, cuz we saw her a hundred times back in the day. I kinda blinked and told her "Dunno, I haven't kept up with her in a while."

One of those things that used to mean a lot to me, and I don't go there much anymore. I was all about music, listened to it constantly, found new artists I liked. I guess I got old. I don't do it anymore. The last person other than Adele that I've paid any attention to is Lissie, and she sounds a lot like a young Melissa Etheridge so that may be why.

Up and Down

I spent yesterday with a bunch of 7 yr olds because my mother decided Spawn should have a Xmess party. It wasn't horrible, the kids had a good time. Spawn and I played and had a good time last night and this morning, so it was a success. Babysis and I caught up a bit last night after Spawn finally settled, all in all,  a good weekend.
Went to see Dad after I left there today because it's been way too long and I'd gotten a couple of messages from him saying it's been way too long. We're just kinda hanging out watching bad westerns on tv when he tells me to start looking for a new vehicle, that's my Xmess present. I think I looked like a goldfish for a bit, then got over it. That was the Up.

I came home. It was downhill from there.

Not Giving A Shit

A comment earlier made me think. Apparently I haven't done much of that lately. Nope, I don't give shit about much lately. I work, I try to get thru my Monday to Friday, and then I'm done. I'm too old for this shit.
Or too young for this shit. I used to be passionate about music, I don't care anymore.
I used to be a lot of things I'm not anymore. Hellmart has sucked the life out of me.
I need to find my passion again.
After some sleep, lots of it. Some fool is having a Halloween party at noon because she has nothing better to do, and I have the perfect costume after I did think about it. I may pass on the whole mess. We'll see after some sleep. My weekends haven't been mine lately and I'm feeling the need for one where I can do what I want instead of what everyone else wants. We'll see how that goes.

Football!

Watched Spawn play today, he's good, they won. Annie went with, which was a bit surprising, but anyway. We went to the Assholes after, and everyone was there. It was loud, and mostly uncouth, and I sat in the corner playing on my phone most of the time because I'm really not a joiner, or participator with the person that never shuts up.
We did welcome a new girl to the group, she seems cool. I'm home and been fighting bed for an hour now, I think I'll give in.

Finally got someone on the phone

Mom is ok, according to the scan, so Yay! Talking to her makes me wonder, and like my idea of not going to the Dr.

So Here I Am Again

I'm worried. Mom had a freak out at her PET scan today, which freaked me out when I heard about it, and Babysis is convinced she has brain cancer, and yeah. I'm worried. I'm not home much anymore, but Mom tells me her balance is off and stuff, when I see her she's pretty much ok. Alright, not so much last week when we went to the pre ballgame stuff, she was leaning on Stepdad quite a bit. Another reason I'm worried. Nurse telling her to make sure someone goes with her to Oncologist Thursday to get the results of today's scan could be because she had a freak-out there and nurse is concerned about her, she's a very nice woman. Or it could be something. Babysis thinks it's something, I'm hoping not, but I'm still worried. It's like that. The worm keeps eating itself and I think I need to go to bed because I have to show up at work tomorrow whether I do anything or not.

I know, but I worry anyway, so light a candle Jackiesue. Love you too just in case I haven't told you lately.

Dammit, it's Sunday again.

Already dreading tomorrow. I think I'm gonna have to bow out of polite society for awhile because I just really hate everything right now.
Today the neighbors suddenly semi-cleaned out their dog pen and put a dog in it. These are the same people responsible for all the street cats I fed that ended up being picked up by the pound. Except for Buttplug. He's the only good thing that came out of that mess.
I did go home yesterday and see DeNephew escort his little friend across the football field, and that was cool. He's becoming such a little man. I threw football with him for a bit, bad idea, I hurt all over again so I guess I need to get some ice and put my ass in bed.

So Tired of the Bullshit

The girls are still not getting along, and my dumb ass said something to someone else yesterday, because he asked. Pretty much he told me to keep an eye on them, and things in general,  and I'm yeah ok.  I'm suddenly the Den Mother.
The only good part of that conversation was I'm doing a good job and he trusts me if I tell him something. He's Asset Protection so he obviously knows I'm not a thief now. DUH.

I said a couple of weeks ago I needed to quit hanging out with the people I was hanging out with, that's working well for reasons unknown to me. Annie said I scared Mrs. Asshole when I was so pissed off about work, but I don't think that's all of it. Annie is on my shit list too and we haven't talked too much lately so I think Mrs. Asshole may be scared of talking to me because she knows things I don't, that don't matter, but she doesn't know that. So yeah, Everything is fucking stupid right now, and I'm tired and should be in bed instead of doing this.

Happy Anniversary!

I was hired to Hell Mart 1 year ago today. OMG, I'm an idiot. Newest news on the kids, is I went off on them this morning, so they got pissed at me, but it didn't help anything in the long run, so fuck them.
I don't need friends, I just need someone to do their fucking job. This just means I'll do mine, they can do theirs, and ooops sorry, I can't help you anymore.

I'm off for the weekend, they have to deal with each other tomorrow.

Annie is my other WTF. I finally asked her tonight if she still had a job to go to since she's been so fucking lackadaisical about getting there, every fucking day this week after she was off Monday.

Sorry, just not having a good day/night/week/month right now.

I have a game, I should be playing that, but I'm doing this because Cat didn't know what to do with me when I was over there shooting shit. He's good with me sitting here.
I'm way too fucking nice.

I'm an Asshole

I called into work yesterday, for today, because I had a death in the family. That I did, but I didn't go to the funeral even tho I should have so I'm not happy with myself.
I hate liars, and I feel like one and it sucks.
Got a text from someone who was supposed to be there, that she wasn't, so FUCK some more.
I don't think she'll feel like shit, but I do. I did text the person who was left alone, and she forgave me, but still. Dammit.

Another of Those

Got a text from Dad telling me my uncle passed away, Dad is off on a trip, heading home. I was chicken shit and texted the cousin about my aunt in the hospital since I haven't heard anything from there lately, got a call back and she's doing better, but not well. She told me about Uncle too.
Thinking about calling Mom about the Uncle....she calls me to make sure I heard because Babysis heard it when she was in town. Gotta love small towns.

I think I'm gonna go play some games and go to bed, I was up way to early for a day off.

War Has Been Declared and I'm the Neutral Country

Apparently The Girls (Squeaky Wheel and New Kid) are bound and determined to not get along. Squeaky seems to be the main problem here, but I don't care since I have to deal with both of them and I'm not gonna put up with this shit for long. My biggest problem is Squeaky likes to run to management over every little thing, where I would just talk it out with the person I'm not happy with, but she's doing it the Hell Mart way and I've not been assimilated yet.
If things haven't settled by Monday, since they have to work together without me tomorrow, I'll fix things or get fired because I'm not dealing with their shit on top of hating my job. Oh wait, I might not hate my job so much if they would get their shit together so....

I need to sleep. I'm helping Mrs. Asshole cook tomorrow, meaning I'm cutting and chopping while she cooks which means I'll be seriously inebriated way early. Yes, driver is lined up so I can do that, and things will be ready for party Sunday at The Newlywed's house, where I also have a driver lined up. I'm on top of things like that. I can schedule my weekends, just not anything else lately.

Now off to sleep just because I can, and if Cat doesn't wake me up at the crack of dawn, it might be daylight when I wake up. Wheeeeeee!

Weird Ass Wednesday

I'm not sure where to start... There was usual stupidity, and then shit happened, and happened, and happened. I'm still trying to find out about the co-worker's husband who had heart problems Sunday and she hasn't been back to work yet. Nobody has talked to her because she's not answering her phone.
There was a massive OMG going on this morning which turned out to be a manager having seizures and being taken to the hospital, she was unconcious when they put her in the ambulance. Last I heard was she was stable and they were running tests, apparently they don't have a clue.
After all that co-worker that has been there with me from the start, the other half of my "We've gotta get some help because it's killing just 2 of us", informed me she had an interview about transferring to another place today and she's thinking about it. I don't blame her, hell I'm looking for a real job, and/or a transfer to somewhere closer to home if I can't find something else because the cost of gas and mileage on the Jeep are wearing on me and him.
Got a text about dinner with the Assholes, declined and went to The Dive. The new cook (new to me, old to the establishment) bought me a couple of books at the library sale the other day which just kinda blew me away. That niceness pretty much made up for a lot of the not nice I've seen lately. While there, got another text from Mrs. Asshole about a mishap with husband, truck, and light pole at their house and I should come over just because. Nothing was hurt except light pole and possibly wallet so that wasn't a major emergency, and I went. Had decent dinner, then got the hell outta there to come home because I really felt the need for some solitary confinement for a bit.
Annie is out of town so it's just me and the critters for a few days and I think I'll spend the rest of my week after work here instead of anywhere else just because.
Cat is still mad at me about a multitude of things, starting with being gone for most of a few weeks so I'm trying to make up, and I'm also just fucking tired. I think it'll be bedtime real soon.
So much for Humpday WOOHOO! I need to call and check on the Aunt also because I've apparently been dropped out of that loop, so yeah, I think it's time for bed. Night kids.

Sitting in the corner

Housesitting got finished, hung out with them Sunday since they got back late Saturday. Got a text from Dad, My aunt is in hospital, could I go check on her. I did, saw cousins I haven't seen in forever, chiefly her son, we've kept in touch this week. She's ok, but not. Still in ICU and I should have gone by after work today but I was in such a foul mood all day I couldn't stand myself so I couldn't even force nice onto my face. I didn't feel the need to inflict that on anyone else.

Talked to Mom for a long time last night after I called to give her the Aunt update, she's always been friends with the ex-inlaws which I think is great, so she was concerned also.

We talked a bit about the family that she had visiting 2 weeks ago, I didn't see the 2 cousins I kinda sorta remember, so I asked again about what happened to their mother since I didn't realize she was their mother, I just remember the son because he was close to my age.
I overheard something when I was young about her husband beating her to death and going to prison and the son going into foster care. I asked Mom about it years later and she told me I was wrong, she died of cancer. Last night we actually had that conversation again, I had the son's name wrong, and some of the details wrong. She was found badly beaten in a park in Illinois, where the family is from, and died from her injuries. Husband was in prison, but I still don't have all of that story, what I got is I don't think he's the one who killed her, and may not have been her husband that brought the son around that night I remember from way back when and we'll have to have another conversation about this because it's bugging the shit outta me. Might be part of my foul mood today.

Looks like I'll have another foul mood going on again tomorrow because besides that mess, Dad was supposed to visit his sister in the hospital Monday and didn't, and apparently has no plans to. I guess he sent me so he wouldn't have to talk to those people he doesn't have anything to do with anymore. A whole bunch of stupid.
Then I find out via facehell there is a family reunion on his side this weekend that I wasn't invited to, and it seems to be his cousins, not immediate family so I guess he's mad Mom caught up with hers. I think I just need to resign from the human race for a bit. These are the people who made me and I love them both dearly but I'm so pissed at Dad I can't stand it, and Mom....I dunno. She probably didn't mean to lie to me, but she did, and I'm not happy about that either.

Guess I'll go get some rest so I'll be all ready to throw shit again tomorrow. Being pissy takes a lot out of ya.

Totally Different Day

I met a bunch of women for lunch today. All older, and you know how I like Older women.
Mom's cousins, my cousins. Other than one, I've never seen any of them. Mom hadn't met one of them, and hadn't seen most of the others in over 40 years so it was pretty awesome. There was picture sharing, story sharing and I wish I'd been there yesterday for some more of it.
I had a great day. The end.

That Day

I've been trying to do something for hours, and it wouldn't work. Then I saw my last post. Scary I was that coherent when I have no memory of it whatsoever.
I've been wanting to bitch and whine, and I guess I got over it a bit. Not completely, but mostly.
I hate the people I hang out with right now. I need to quit hanging out with them, because I had a choice today and apparently I made the wrong one. I'll be over that tomorrow, but yeah, some days I don't want to deal with all their drama and stupidity.

I had my review at work (even tho it's not due for a bit, it's done) A month or so from now I'll get a pay raise. I'm middle of the road performance-wise too, just so you know. I don't feel so bad about not giving a shit anymore, wish I'd done it before I killed myself.

I can't apply for the other job because I flunked the management test and can't re-take it for 6 months to a year. I answered as me instead of the Devil, wasn't thinking.

I need to go see Dad, it's been way too long since I was pampered.

That's another thing, I pushed Lucy away to the point where I can't even call her to bitch. She was a good sounding board. Oh well. Live and learn.

Been That Week

I've been muttering to myself every morning, just one more day.... I finally got there. Squeaky Wheel is up to something. She had stuff pulled up on the computer about bereavement leave, I pointed out her husband's aunt wasn't included, she insisted it was, and she's not working so ok.
If she thinks she's getting paid and not, not my problem. New kid and I are doing ok. New kid scares me a bit, she's so insecure,  but she's ok. She's got the job down, and I mess with her, but she's ok. Obviously I like her. I'm not so sure about the other one anymore. I'm still looking for an out. I have the whole weekend to do that WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Someone else is moving and her job is coming open. I'm going to ask her Monday to recommend me for it because really? 2 pay grades above what I'm making with less bullshit. I want. I already know how to do it, I help there when I'm not busy. Doesn't happen much, but it has happened.

I don't get that either. I have keys, have to unload trucks, meet vendors, truckers, deal with people in general. She just rides herd on the employees so they get their shit out of the back room and puts up what has to stay in the back room. And makes much more bucks. I would have to give up my Weekend off though. I think I could deal with it.

Different

I talked to my Mom for awhile tonight. I haven't done that in too long. We caught up, and then talked about a lot of other shit, and family that she and I don't really know anymore.
We both miss my Paternal grandma, and my Aunt. Babysis has a different set of relatives, but I'm related to them too, so it was an evening.
I've been thinking about some of the same people we were talking about, so it was good to catch up.
I miss both my grandmother's, I knew one when I was really young, but remember her well. I spent summers, and winters with the other and miss her too. They each had their place in my my heart when I was young,  and one stuck around long enough to see me as a young woman. I wasn't yet an adult, I'm probably still not, but I enjoyed hanging out with her after I was able to drive, and converse in real language.
 I probably ate pig knuckles that day she insisted on cooking lunch for me, but damn they were good. I visited her a few times, besides the lunch, I took her a plant, she replied with a throw she had crocheted. And stories, and smiles.
I wish I had reminded her of the summers, and the winters, and how much they meant to me. Summer was creeks, and grapes, and wide open windows at night.
Winters were fudge by the fireplace, peanut brittle, and piling quilts onto the feather bed where I made my nest in the middle.
I wish kids today could know that.

I'm Too Old to Be Doing This Shit

So I was stuck in the middle of the shitstorm between the new employee and the other one. Apparently my esteemed co-worker took it upon herself to be a total ass to the new girl while I wasn't around, and a little bit while I WAS around, and then went to a manager saying a bunch of shit about her not being able to do the job. I heard most of this from the new chick because co-worker didn't say too much to me after I told her I thought the girl was doing ok.

So, they were both off Wednesday, I told new girl to enjoy her day off and breathe and we'd deal with things Thursday. I hung out with her, watched her do the job, she ignored the troublemaker, and I didn't have too much to say to her, but wasn't ugly about anything. I really don't want to get in a confrontation if I don't have to because it'll be not pleasant for anyone.
Apparently squeaky wheel got the message, I got there today and she had apologized to new girl for being an ass, and things were much more pleasant.

I'm off this weekend and squeaky wheel managed to do the same. We'll see what happens next week. Management was ready to jump into the fray after ass said something to them, but hopefully that has been put off for now anyway because even if I didn't like new chick? I still like having another body around so I don't have to do everything because squeaky wheel is a pain in my ass.
And yeah, I think squeaky wheel will be her permanent name because she is, all the time, if it's not one thing it's another, and you know what they say about squeaky wheels and grease. I'm just trying to hang on until end of September when I'll have some time I can take so if I get an interview or something, it won't kill me. It was fun for awhile, but it's no longer amusing and I hope it's just a rest stop on my highway to somewhere better. I got out of my old rut and learned a lot of new shit that will hopefully serve me well down the road.

Now the other shit that has me so mad I can't stand anyone. Speeding tickets. She missed the court date on the first one after she didn't pay it. Suspended license, new court date, paid money to make the warrant go away, I just told her to make sure she pays the second one before it comes up because I can't bail her out or make the house payment if she goes to jail and/or loses her job. I also don't want to cart her ass around while she has no license because she was stupid twice. I could understand if she did this shit drunk, because I've done a whole lot of stupid shit under the influence, but no. 6 am on the tickets, and just plain lackadaisy bullshit on missing the date and shit. Like the tires, she would have ranted at me 6 ways to Sunday if I had been the one to do that. Think it's time for me to go do something else for awhile and get some sleep. At least ticket whore is staying somewhere else tonight.

Here We Go Again

Yep, there was much whining, since I was only there for it Tuesday I told her to zip it. She had a day, I had 2 weeks. Everyone else told me how ugly it was Monday, and I said Oh Well. She was off  yesterday and today was a whole different level of it. She got help from somewhere else because mgmt was upset. Really?
I'm looking hard for something else because my idea of being in the background, not having to deal with people, something I could deal with, isn't gonna last. I refuse to be that whiny ass to get some help and I'll probably end up in trouble for it in the end. THEIR LOSS.
I do my job, her job, and someone else's job most of the time. I didn't have time for all that today because MY job got slammed. I still got to do someone else's because they never showed up after they were called. When I get in trouble, I'll be sure to tell them that along with the Fuck You I'm sitting on.
I think there may be a "Rain quit" party tomorrow unless there's some serious ass kissing to me going on. I know I need a job, but this one has pushed me to limits it took the other one over a decade to get me to. I don't have that much patience anymore.