Disclaimers

I guess I should have done this a long time ago. Brooklyn asked me if the post about idiots was true, or if I was just looking for a laugh. Unfortunately, it was true.
I'm guilty of occasionally embellishing, or leaving out pertinent information, but other than that, it's pretty much true to life. Case in point, Annie and Lucy. The events and dialog are true, my reaction to it, well, I do tease them about it, but I know there is nothing going on there so it's all cool. Lucy tends to put her foot in her mouth a bit, and I'm not above using that for my own amusement.
So. Now that that's all cleared up, anyone need a swamp in Nebraska? ;)

Hair

Apparently I don't get out in the real world enough. I work and play, pretty much the same places with the same people, all good. I refuse to go to Wally world unless it's an emergency. I grocery shop under protest, if I didn't, I'd never have anything to drink or eat in the house so I at least do that.
Annie, Lucy and I went out for breakfast after work Saturday. We're talking 12:30-1:00pm and I could not believe the number of people who couldn't be bothered to comb their hair. C'mon people, it's bad enough I can't move without bumping into you while I'm waiting 30 minutes for a table, but I really don't need to see that rat's nest on the back of your head. Waving a brush over the front doesn't count, if you can't be bothered to do anything about the shit, at least wear a hat. I look like a troll doll when I get up, but I try to do something about it, or put a ballcap on it before I go out in public. Geeze.

Babysitting

Lucy and I went to Armpit last night to babysit Spawn while Baby Sis worked. I changed my first diaper in 30 something years (yes, I managed to not do that for 8 months, Mom said I had to last night.) I did ok. He was great, he was fun, and he only puked on me twice. I'm in love.
Today, we came home early so Lucy could get home and go to work and Annie tells me at 1:30 that we need to go meet The Dirty Old Man to throw some darts. Ok. At 3:15 Annie is FUBAR. I brought her home and went back out to play some trivia where I met up with The Ladies. They weren't quite right today either, is it me? I know I didn't miss a full moon.

A Lucy Story

When I lived in the apartment, all alone, Lucy would show up occasionally just because. Sometimes she would be able to get off work and she would come there just to hang out and relax. Actually, she got in quite the habit of it, but I digress. Sometime or another she was watching "Leave It To Beaver", I mentioned that June was pretty hot in those pearls. Silly me. A couple of weeks or so later, Lucy called and said she didn't have to work, she was going to come over and cook dinner for me. YAY!
She's a great cook. I came home from work to find Lucy in my kitchen in heels, an apron, lacy red underwear and pearls. She was holding a beer and asking how my day was, and dinner was almost ready, I was in heaven.
I still have whiplash. She says she almost broke her neck getting the beer when she heard me coming up the stairs, so I guess we're even.

Good day

I had a good day. Work has been kicking my ass lately. Today, I pretty much read webcomics. YAY. Annie and I met The Widow at Hooter's after work and then went on to throw darts. The Princess and The Queen were both out tonight. I threatened to set The Queen on fire but The Princess pointed out that he was already flaming, so that would be redundant. It was a fun night.
The Handsome Devil wanted to dance when I got home, but Annie kinda ruined that, he wasn't into a threesome. I think her cleaning his ears might have turned him against her. Fascinating shit isn't it?
I'm waiting for Lucy to call so I can finally pass out, she worries if I don't answer. It's only Thursday and I have to work Saturday too, poor me. This pimple on my ass is getting on my last nerve too, just so you know.
I never promised you a rose garden. (Can't remember who sang that either, but I was a kid so it was a 70's song)country, female, dammit, I'm a trivia queen too. I'll have to think or google.
Ok, I googled, Lynn Anderson. Now it's stuck in my head. Dammit. Lucy needs to save us all from me by picking up the fucking phone and calling me. I'll tell you a story about her tomorrow.

A Favor

I need someone to take out a couple of people in TN. Lucy says I can't since she actually likes one of them. They're after the job Lucy needs to have, so gentle hurt will work, if they're not there they can't do it. I mentioned limited wheelchair time, but was still cut down. If, however, they met with an accident that didn't involve me, all would be good.

Huh?

We couldn’t think of a band more deserving of the lullaby treatment than Pink Floyd. The sounds of this legendary group speak to the parts of the brain that are wide awake during that lovely dream state called REM. They are musical journeys to the bright side of the moon and beyond. While your child is comfortably sleeping, these lullabies will work to open their mind’s eye as only Pink Floyd can. Your crazy little diamond is going to shine on in a dreamland courtesy of Baby Rock. You’re gonna wish you were there.
More here.

Annie's got her groove on

I must mention this, as much as it pains me. Annie has kicked my ass throwing darts the last couple of days. She's ecstatic. I'm happy for her, even though it's at my expense. I taught her to play and we both enjoy it so... Tomorrow is another day.

More work shit

The owner asked me for a report today, told me what he wanted, no biggie. I get voicemail 3 minutes before time to go home. It wasn't what he wanted. I'm glad I wasn't in my office to actually answer the phone. I probably would have told him, "Well that's what you asked for, I'm sorry I left my ability to read minds in my other pants this morning." It's also the same thing I gave him last month that he thought was just wonderful. I don't know why I bother.

Entitlement issues

This occurred to me last week when I was sitting in traffic on the way to work because of a wreck, and tonight just reinforced my feelings. Some people think they're better than the rest of us. Wherever they have to be is more important than where I have to be, their needs or wants are much more important than mine. I think they're just fucking rude.
Examples: Traffic- I came off the exit, saw the mess, had nowhere to go so I waited until some kind soul let me in line. 10 other people flew by all of us in the breakdown lane, trying to get further ahead so they could also wait in traffic. Fuckers.
Tonight. Annie and I got to the bar early and grabbed a table while we threw darts since we were expecting company (who didn't show btw, more rude behavior). I left to go get smokes and came back to a bunch of people with chairs all pulled up around our area with their shit scattered all over our table because they didn't have one of their own. Annie was throwing darts so she wasn't actually sitting at the table, but our stuff was there. She had already had a confrontation with some assholes, so it was time to come home.
To these people: I'm sorry your Mommy spoiled you and convinced you that you were the King/Queen of the universe. It isn't so. You are a fucking boil on the ass of society. My mother taught me manners and respect for other people. If she hadn't I'd probably be ripping your fucking head off right now. Good Day.

Ye of little faith

Thank you all for your encouragement and lack of faith in my abilities about dinner,it means a lot.
Syd, I DID NOT fuck up the prime rib. It was delicious.
Sassy, Yes, she did:)
Sharon, it's not hard if you have step by by step instructions from Lucy.

So, I managed a decent dinner between Lucy and the Green Giant. We'll aim higher next time, but it was cool.
There was a lot of sharing tonight over wine and celery waiting for that damned meat to cook. We had a great time. We're talking about another dinner and pajama party lol. Should be interesting.

I hate Lucy's job

Lucy decided instead of going out for dinner with the girls this month she wanted to cook. Great, everything is set with the girls, she has a fabulous menu set. Then she finds out late Thursday night that she has to work tonight. Not great. It was too late to cancel because the prime rib was already thawing. Guess who will be cooking the fabulous meal tonight? Yeah, the woman who can't make toast without getting 3rd degree burns. Needless to say, the menu has been scaled back quite a bit from the original plan. I'll let you know how it goes.

Gotcha

It's Friday night, I bet you thought you were safe from my inane view on the world. Guess what? I'M HOME. I have no excuse really, except Lucy seems to be a good influence on me, and it sounds like she's here, brb
Well that happy horseshit was more than an hour ago, so now I've lost my train. I really had something funny to tell you about too, but oh well. I guess you'll have to survive without me at least until later.
Nevermind, it seems Lucy has wrecked my train. Peace.

A must have

I believe I've found my birthday present.


Of course, I kinda like this too.

Both can be found here.

No, He did not

The Handsome Devil just took a shit and had to turn around and smell it. Usually he just runs away looking pleased with himself. This one must not have been high enough on the stink-o-meter. It must be a man thing. When we had co-ed restrooms at work (meaning 1 seaters in the middle of a warehouse) a couple of the guys would come out and announce to the whole building that "You might not want to go in there for an hour or 2." No wonder I'm a lesbian.

Lift its anyone?

I think I hurt myself laughing at this

Idiots

I'm busy as shit today, but I just have to share this one.

Idiot: I need a new keyboard
Me: Ok, what's up?
Idiot: My $ doesn't work, all I get are 4's.
Me: Are you holding "shift" when you hit the 4 key?
Idiot: Nevermind.

It's like waiting for Santa

It's supposed to snow in Alabama tonight. So far I haven't seen a flake, except the ones at the bar of course. I believe I'll talk to Lucy and take my happy ass to bed. Hmmm, she's past due with calling, so I'll just sit here and imagine awful things.
Yeah, that's enough of that. Where the fuck is my snow?
Let's see, someone told me yesterday Harry Connick Jr was coming to town, I like him, but not enough to buy a ticket. I'm hoping Saffire: The Uppity Blueswomen will decide to come back, but it's not looking good.
Looks like it's me and The Handsome Devil going to smoke and then I'll go to bed no matter what. Fucking snow is overrrated anyway.

I Did Something I've Never Done Before

Headlines are dollars if you're in the Newspaper business people. They piss me off no end, with tantalizing bits, that turn out to be nothing, pretty much like this post.
I threw a game of darts, not as in "I threw darts with friends" more like "I intentionally threw badly so the other team could win." I threw with a "friend" and it was ok, he just made a comment that pissed me off so badly, I almost had a stroke, and had to have retribution.
He's not a bad guy, but drunk, he's a fucking asshole. When he pissed me off, I told him so, but he seemed to forget that when he asked Annie and The Princess to play partners against us. No problem, except it wasn't really fair for me and him to play them tonight. So........
Annie and Princess 3, Rain and Asshole 1.
(P & A kicked our ass last 2 games without any help btw).

Intimate Stuff

Not THAT kind you perverts.
Trinity2 posed a good question about blogs and who you let into your life as far as telling them about it.
Go check it out and come back to me. I'm gonna branch off on the subject.
I told her Lucy encouraged mine, and it's all pretty much cool, and yadda yadda yadda, then I got a phone call from Lucy, which reminded me how much I don't share here.
Lucy did encourage me to start a blog. When I was working nights, I was a babysitter, watching machines do their thing. I played online most of the time, reading blogs was one of the ways I passed time. Lucy got from my conversations that I was intrigued, and she told me to start one, suggesting names until I settled on this one. All good, and I've talked about a shitload of stuff, sad, funny, strange, but there's a lot I can't say.
I may post a pic of her tits, in a pretty bra, but she consented to it and it's semi-tasteful. What I don't do is tell you about sex last night because it's really none of your business (unless she fell off the bed or something, that would be funny) and it's a little TMI, and she wasn't here last night so.
I can't tell you about her real life or mine.
I'm still trying to be anonymous, with a weekend girlfriend, who I worry much about.
Have good thoughts for her dad. That's all I can say about that.

Stuff

Work has kicked my ass the last couple of days. I had an appointment with Hot Doc yesterday, but she rescheduled for today, after I was already an hour late for work because I had an appointment dammit. So today I decided maybe I'd reschedule for next week because I really didn't need to be gone, and the pleghm factory started working a double shift. Needless to say, I took most of the afternoon off to go see Doc. I now have refills on meds, something for my head, and sweet memories of the sweater she was wearing. (Yes, Lucy will be kicking my ass for that one.)

I received my cooler full of goodies from Nebraska today, it's not amazing, but it was a great deal. I'm sure when it gets above (feels like) 10 degrees around here, I will be firing up the grill.

Pretty boring. Mom called today to ask if she needed that "new windows thingy", I told her no. What the hell was I thinking when I got her a computer? I bring these things on myself, I should know better, but alas, I seem to be an idiot.

The bra

Sharon wanted to see the bra I referenced a couple of posts ago. I don't know why it makes me think of ice cream parlors, but there you go.
Lucy almost accidentally showed this pic to my mother too btw. I managed to get the camera before she went too far back because I knew she'd already forgotten about this. There is a reason I call her Lucy. While it would have been funny, I don't really think Mom needs to see it.

Guilt worked

Yes, my mother knows me well, and the guilt trip was more than I could bear. Lucy and I went to Armpit Saturday to visit Mom and The Spawn (aka The Nephew) Mom was loving and funny and had me just where she wanted me. I was home to visit rather than calling her, where the guilt trip would have been so much worse. I do love my mother, but she's a fucking nutcase sometimes. Lucy convinced me it would be easier to visit, and she was right. So now I'm good for a couple of weeks.

Today, Lucy had to go home, and I hate that, but it's life. I was doing stuff, cleaning, packing up shit, Annie decided we should go out. It was all over after that. We got semi-intoxicated with a friend, and if you don't donate to a charity currently, consider The American Heart Association just because.

Dirty Old Man lost to the ladies, we came home, all good.

Aretha

I loves me some Aretha. Lucy found this tribute on TV tonight, and it's actually very good, but DAMN, who is dressing her these days? I'm sorry, but that is just wrong. In my opinion, she's still beautiful, still has a great voice, but geeeze Louise, the last few times I've seen pics of her, she's wearing something godawful like this. Somebody needs to be fired.
Ok, end of this rant.

It's Friday

It's been a long week, and probably a very short post. Lucy is here and wearing the icecream stripe bra, and yeah, ok. See ya later.

Long, convoluted post

This may take awhile. You might want to get a drink and settle in, or just pass this up alltogether. I'm not a perfect person..imagine that.
I'm not good at keeping up with people, including my family. Especially my family. I talk to Mom maybe once a month, Baby Sis possibly twice, and Dad much less than that.
I'm busy working, throwing darts, important shit like that. Lucy and I have tried to be better about visiting since we have The Nephew and all, but our social schedule is pretty full on the weekends since that's the only time she gets to be here. (Yes, I know.)

I called Baby Sis tonight to find out why I got this letter from Mom, IN THE MAIL, that led me to believe her cheese slid off her cracker, and Baby Daddy answered the phone. I don't have a problem with Baby Daddy other than he decided to have his midlife crisis right before he knocked up Baby Sis. They lived together for 3 years, were looking at marriage, buying a house........then he bailed, after proposing to her in front of 7 lesbians and a bunch of strangers while we were out having fun one night. I know, asshole. But I like him and he's at least a decent Dad.

I was just shocked to hear his voice on the phone because last I heard, a few weeks ago, they were done, he would visit but that was it. He was babysitting while Baby Sis worked tonight. That saved Mom and Stepdad from doing it so I'm glad of that, and he and I had a short conversation about what's been up, how everybody is, yadda yadda yadda. I guess I should check in more.

I don't have the balls to call my mother to ask her what the fuck is up,(ok, I don't want to hear her cry because her girls don't love her because I'm never around and Baby Sis who lives right there hurt her feelings again) so I'll call Baby Sis again tomorrow to catch up. At least Baby Daddy gave me her schedule so I can check in.
If you're still here, sorry, but thanks for reading.

I must get one for Lucy

I was going to show you a picture, but Blogger isn't having any of that. I guess you'll just have to go here to see the Brain Purse.

Too much free time

This place is pretty cool. I just thought the cow was fitting for Syd's place, there are plenty of other options.

Bliss to well, not so much

This morning, I turned off the alarm so I could spend a couple more hours cuddling Lucy before she had to go home. Good decision.
Got to work and had to bust my ass since everyone wanted something while I was not there. Fuck it, that's what sick time is for.
Threw some darts with The Dirty Old Man after work, came home...ran Annie off the couch eventually. Sitting here surfing, all good.
Went out to smoke and Betty and Veronica were strangely missing, along with the top of the "impenetrable" dog food container. They were having a pillow fight again it seems and broke the container. At least Betty brought me the top back so I didn't have to go looking for it. Good girl. I just wish they'd let me film these actions for a "Dogs Gone Wild" video.

Bye bye weekend

Well, it's been fun once again. I always have a good time when Lucy is around, she makes me laugh. She goes back to 2nd shift tomorrow so it's our last Sunday night for a bit. We were supposed to go out to hear a band last night with The Widow and The Ladies, but passed since Lucy had no sleep. She was looking at wedding dresses yesterday afternoon with a friend (for the friend, not herself) tho given the choice, yeah, nevermind. I hung out with the boys and we ran into some other friends, threw a few darts and got home by 9. Such party animals we are. Today we did stuff around the house, Lucy made dinner, I got real cheesecake, yum.
Ok, gotta take the dog to smoke and get some sleep. Later kids.

Yahoo

I just got a good look at my Yahoo avatar. I do believe she's packing. I'm so embarassed. LOL

Annie and Lucy

They are worrying me. They went to get pizza and it took over an hour. I think they're talking about me behind my back, bitches. Never trust 2 women at the same time. I'm pretty sure they're plotting to steal my jar of nail clippings, there's nothing else they could want. Bitches.

{disclaimer: The author may or may not be kidding, medicated, drunk, or all of the above. You decide.}

Boredom

It's Friday night and I'm home, have been for awhile. The Princess and I threw some darts, but obviously my talent wasn't in it, the bitch beat me. Annie is in bed, Lucy won't be here till morning since she's working 3rd shift this week. I'm bored, aren't ya'll happy?
Oh yeah, I need to tell you about my birthday.

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate.
You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken.
And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted.
Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved.

Your strength: Your flair

Your weakness: If you think it, you say it

Your power color: Scarlet red

Your power symbol: Inverted triangle

Your power month: March
I don't like red and I have no flair, other than that, Hell Yeah.

Blistex

I bought this today since I ran out of the house without my usual stuff. I do not recommend it. The texture is ok, but the smell is driving me nuts, I might as well have bought a "Black and Mild" wet it, and rubbed it across my lips. Yuck.

Real darts

I realized tonight, ya'll don't understand MY throwing darts. I'ts a bar, with a jukebox, and when we can get The Princess away from it, we have decent music. He plays his "fag music", as I call it, but we do take turns occasionally with the music. The Princess usually plays some Dusty Springfield and Aretha for me. We all throw in some Buffett for The Dirty Old Man. We sing, and dance our way around each other while throwing, we're not really serious about it. That's what makes it fun for me.
The Princess kicked my ass tonight btw, but we had fun.

Multiple bitches

I figured I'd get everything in one rant while I'm here.
1. I looked like a member of The Village People today and was not once called "Dan" or asked to leave the ladies room.
Ball cap, denim shirt over t-shirt, jeans and workboots. I wear khakis and get called Dan? WTF?
2. I stopped at the post office to mail a letter. No, I did not deface federal property (this time), I had stamps in the car. Do you think I remembered to put one of those motherfuckers on aforesaid letter? Noooo. I realized that as soon as it was out of my grasp.
3. Annie is sick. I am obviously not a caregiver and never will be. She called me before I left work to ask if I'd come home and feed the dogs. I did. Then I went out to throw darts and came home to find her whiney ass on the couch with a trashcan full of coke bottles. Really not what she needs to be drinking.
And how was YOUR day?

This is just....I dunno

Sound-Surround
"Alauno" toilet, Matsushita Electric Works, silent flush/LED lighting
Afraid of waking the entire family with your nocturnal trips to the toilet? Two new features of the Alauno can help. Light-emitting diodes (LEDs) placed strategically at the foot of the toilet and inside the bowl make this unit easy to find in the dark. And the flush is a mere 55 decibels, which is equivalent to the white noise in a library. During the day, you can pipe your favorite tunes into the bathroom via a speaker on the side of the toilet.

More here if you're interested.

Sheee-IT

It's fucking cold here people. I farted earlier when I was out smoking and my ass cheeks flash froze. (Ok, not really, but it was a disturbing visual wasn't it?) I HATE being cold.
Annie and I were planning on salad for dinner, but it turned into potato soup and cornbread. Yes, bitches I burned myself. You'd think I would have enough sense to make sure the potholder is in the correct place when removing hot metal from the oven. I'll live, and probably not be scarred for life so it's ok. I'm going to smoke and watch The Handsome Devil piss ice cubes. Have a good night.

Morning

In case I haven't mentioned it, I'm not a morning person. This makes today worse than usual. I misread the clock and got up an hour early, thinking I would just barely be on time for work. Annie didn't help matters, she got in the shower without telling me I was up way too early. I was showered & dressed before I realized what I'd done. So I got to work an hour early, spilling an entire soda in the car on my way. Now I need a nap. I think I'm gonna be one grouchy bitch by lunchtime. Oh wait, that's nothing new.

What a Wuss

The Handsome Devil is a big 'Ol Pussy. I had to go stand in the yard, in the cold and drizzle, to convince him that it wouldn't kill him to get his dainty little paws wet. Fucker. I swear he's a closet queen. If I could only teach him to just piss off the deck like a redneck we'd be all ok.

Go Boom

Annie fell off the couch Saturday morning. Well, actually she fell after getting up and slammed her face, and a couple of other parts, into the hardwood floor. Not pretty. She's got a bit of a shiner and a couple of really unattractive bruises, but apparently she will live. I'm not sure if I should mention how inconsiderate of her it was to do such a thing at 7am since Lucy and I were sleeping, or if I should at least wait until her neck isn't so stiff. Decisions, decisions.
In other news, there isn't any. It's been pretty boring around the wolf house.

Old and drunk

Annie, Lucy and I went to a new place tonight to watch a UK basketball game, they won, YAY. I really give a shit. Then on to our hangout to play darts. We stayed out till 10:30, we are So not kids anymore lol. Lucy and I used to be thrown out of places, as recently as last year, now it's home early and comfy clothes and sleep. Ok, I'm drunk, but not drunk enough to watch whatever the hell it is Lucy has on tv, Hands off dance off? Maybe? What the fuck? I have threatened to ban her from the bedroom if she keeps watching this shit. Gross stupidity on video, looks like Armpit, AL might have an audience.

Lucy

Lucy just asked me if I was done blogging, since she was about to kick my ass for earlier posts. She wishes. Thankfully, she has a great sense of humor, hell, she has to, she's put up with my shit for this long.
The Quiet Man just finished, good movie, Maureeen O'hara, hubba hubba. Oh shit, I forgot I'm on restriction.
Oh, just got called little bitch for the 2nd time tonight. I think I might need to go to bed. (Lucy proofread and I'm all good) Now she's gone, I feel so 13ish. Hehehe

Brownies

Apparently Annie is seriously attracted to Lucy's brownies. I heard thundering horses in the house earlier, it was Annie, making sure Lucy didn't burn the brownies.
Geeeze, how did I end up in a house of freaks?
I guess I should be more forgiving since said freaks only make fun of me when I'm dancing with the dog, or wearing underwear on my head.
Annie fucked up and told me they left the house open when coming out earlier, I read way too much true crime shit for this to be funny. I bitch at both of them for being home alone with the door unlocked. It's not safe anymore, badass as I am, I lock the fucking door. Ya'll should do the same. Ok, rant over.

Just for the hell of it

In case ya'll haven't noticed, it looks like Syd has broken "blobland".......again.
I guess I'll have to entertain myself for the rest of the day.

Yes, I'm a pig

Apparently Hooter's and beer ARE the perfect combination, I'm in a much better mood. Well, the company might have had something to do with it. The Widow is great fun. I love hanging out with her. We haven't seen much of her lately with the holidays and all, and she's had that crud that's been going around, so it was nice to catch up. We planned our next "Girl's Night Out". There are 2 other ladies that we have dinner with once a month or so. Annie and I threw darts with The Princess and came home to watch The Davinci Code. I'd heard bad things about the movie so I wasn't really excited, but it was pretty good. I read the book a long time ago, from what I remember, the movie stays pretty close. Now I'm off to bed to dream about hooters, uh, beer, oh hell. LUCY, yeah, that's her name. Later kids.

Gonna get fired

I think I just blew up my brain tumor. While I was writing the lame ass post I got a phone call which caused me to lose my train and a bit of what sanity I have left. I literally bit my tongue to keep from going off on the owner of the company because he's a fucking senile dumbass. Unfortunately, I can't go into detail, but he let another member of the family into the business and we are now losing our collective asses. I was about to point that out when I bit my tongue. Let's hope I don't have to talk to him again today, that was the 2nd time and I don't think I can keep my mouth shut again.
At least Annie and I are meeting The Widow at Hooter's after work so I can drink beer and bitch.

Shoes

Annie dragged me to the mall in the next town last night to buy shoes. Not just any shoes. Lucy and I met Baby Sis and Nephew at said mall last weekend and Lucy bought some shoes, at the outlet store. Being the sweet person she is, she left them at the house and told Annie she could borrow them. Of course the first thing Annie does when wearing them is drop salad, with ranch dressing, on suede. Of course they didn't have the same shoe in the same size so Lucy now has another pair in a different color.

Stolen from Sharon

I'm with it except for action adventure movies and not reading. The rest is pretty dead on.

Your score placed you in the category of Hard Androgyne. This is the "tom boy" type of ranking.

Most of the time you really don't think of yourself as butch or femme, but if pressured, you tend to react aggressively - either to solve a problem or to defend yourself. You aren't extremely masculine, yet are more drawn to your masculine side than your feminine side.

Security is paramount to you, and the locks on your house and tendency to monogamy reflect that. You like money in the savings and a retirement plan in place. You are nervous and insecure without that. You are a good provider, often appearing in upper management positions, and are an excellent supervisor.

Logic and mathematics fascinate you, and you have a very good memory. You are best remembering what you have seen in a video sense - sound and picture. About half of what you read sticks with you and what you hear goes in one ear and out the other. Pictures you remember very well.

You like action adventure movies and books, though you don't read a lot. You are heavily into technology, computers, and fun lil gadgets to play with.

As a parent you are strict but not overbearing, and tend to be a bit over protective. You are a staunch defender of your legal rights.

For partners you prefer a softer femme, along the lines of the Classic or Lipstick Femme. For friends you encompass everyone, though you find Extreme Butches a bit plastic and pure Androgynes indecisive.

Yvonne De Carlo

One of my first crushes. R.I.P. Lily Munster.

Hmmm

I can't remember where I saw this first, but I stumbled across it again today and still thought it was funny.

I forgot to mention dancing...

I bought Scissor Sisters new cd last night on my way out to hook up with the ex-bartender, accidentally of course. It's not bad, I liked the first one better, but a couple of songs on this one are pretty awesome. After being out, and ex-bartender ordering shots, which meant it was time for me to come home, I put it in and The Handsome Devil and I shook a leg. That's funny if you know me, because I can't dance, and neither can the dog. Annie caught us, of course she only made fun of me, bitch.
I'm sorry, I'm waiting for Lucy to call so I can go to bed. That's the only thing I liked about her being on 3rd shift, she called earlier. Guess I'll drag the dog out to smoke.

Nightmares

Lucy called a little while ago to tell me she had a horrible nightmare. Queens had taken over the world, and The Princess was one of their leaders. That IS a scary thought. For some reason she and I were in charge of saving the world. I don't know where all this shit came from, but it beats my dream about the midget cleaning crew from the other morning.

Gaining knowledge

I saw someone tonight that I haven't seen in awhile. She's the bartender I boycotted over way back when. I was in lust with her then, besides just really liking her as a person, so I was justified in doing what I did dammit.
I saw her tonight, 5 years later. I still like her as a person....I bought her a drink, went down the street and kept her company at another place for a few minutes...I still like her as a person...I just don't remember her being that loud back then.
Now I know why I prefer older women. Lucy doesn't woohoo over a game since she has no idea what just happened, she doesn't yell across the bar at guys about the game.
I think I've found the perfect woman. WOOOHOOO!

Loose Lips

I cannot say what I'd like tonight, so I'll sit here and eat pork skins and drink beer. If I WAS able to say what I wanted, a major corporation that makes potato chips would be boycotted. And I really need to tell Lucy, these are the wrong pork skins. But she means well.

***ETA*** There is nothing wrong with the product, I just don't like the way a certain company treats their employees.

Lucy is grounded

She tried to kill one of my bartenders tonight. I was sitting at Friday's with The Princess, waiting for Lucy to finish shopping and pick me up. I finally see her come in the door, she gets to the bar and starts having a conversation with The Dirty Old Man while standing at the corner. Suddenly I hear a clatter and turn around to see J lying on the floor, he'd been out to a bar table and was on his way back. He gets up, goes on, disappears for a good 15 minutes, I was getting concerned.
I didn't find out the real story until Lucy and I went out to smoke. About the time J came around the corner, she turned around....and hit him upside the head with a ginormous...uh...upper appendage. The poor boy was assaulted with an anvil in a fuzzy pink sweater. I think he may be scarred for life.

I've been drafted

Ok, not that. I just got a letter from the AARP. They must be reading my blog and assuming I'm as old as I feel. Fuckers. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone, but I have a few years yet before I'm old enough to join their ranks. And they want me to send them money for this cheap little plastic card they sent me that I'm not old enough to use. I believe they will be receiving a nasty card along with the plastic piece of shit when I reply. Fuckers.

Some people

I made the mistake of going out for a smoke after lunch while the 3 stooges were still out. These are 3 ladies (and I use that term loosely) who have absolutely nothing of worth to say, but talk incessantly anyway. I've never understood people who do this. I hope they're amusing themselves because it just pisses off the rest of us.

Doctors

Since I brought the subject up. I loved my old doc because he knew me, this one isn't broken in yet. He knew if I showed up for anything other than a regular checkup, (after he cut off my med supply to make sure I showed up) I had to be dying of something. He had a great laugh after I got my nipple pierced because the lump was nothing, so I bought her some jewelry.
His wife kicked me to the curb after I missed too many appointments, because they were made 6 months in advance and nobody called to remind me (fucker).
So, I found Hot Doc. She's good, just not geared to the fact that even tho she's hot, I will not be seeing her unless I have to. I guess we'll be having that conversation when I hand her my trepanning kit because I can't quite reach the problem spot.
Ya'll could help a sister out and just send me your old antibiotics.

DAMMIT!

I have a sinus infection. I guess I'll have to finally go see Hot Doc. I don't like doctors, but it makes it easier that she's hot and all. I'd just rather be feeling well enough to appreciate that fact. At least I'm not a snot factory so I won't be blubbering all over her when she's checking me out. Of course, if I WAS a snot factory I'd live with it, needing to drill a hole in my head to get some relief is enough to make me actually go see her.

Awwww

Too bad x-mess is over. These would have made great stocking stuffers.

I survived, kinda

We went out to the bar to watch football this morning, ate red beans & rice that The Dirty Old Man made, threw some darts with The Married Man, and had a great time.
After all that I cooked beans, greens, cornbread etc. and we pigged out again. Annie and I cleaned up some turnip greens, so the toilet is gonna think it's St. Patrick's Day. Lucy had to go home so she could work tonight, or decide not to.
I ate entirely too much. It was a good day. Unfortunately tomorrow I go back to hell.
Oh well, have to pay for dinners and darts.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone has a happy and prosperous new year. I'm slacking, I know. I'm home with my greens on the stove so I can go out and eat red beans and rice and watch football I don't care about tomorrow.
At least when I get home, I won't have much to do to finish out the New Year's Day meal.
Ya'll have a good one, and thanks for visiting my little corner.

Rain

Damn, it's raining cats and dogs here. I guess I should go see if I can catch one to support my habit.
Man sells dog to buy beer

Ass Wings

Just for Syd.

More snow

Annie is gone to visit the parents, Lucy won't be here until morning, I have the whole house to myself tonight. I went out for a bit and beat up on The Princess in a couple of games of darts, talked to some friends, had a good time. I came home early, with my hot ass wings and the intention of enjoying having the place to myself. Running around naked, jumping on the couch, whatever...
Annie could have told me she put all the feathers from this morning in the kitchen trash. The irony was not lost on me when I went to throw away my chicken bones and was swarmed with feathers.
Bitches, all of them.

No, it's not snowing

Annie got new pillows for x-mess, so she gave the girls an old one to make their lives a bit more comfortable. Of course the bitches had a pillow fight last night. Looks like Veronica lost.

Volunteers?

Someone needs to teach Lucy how to drive a stick shift. I tried, once. I have no desire to try again.
My baby is a 95 Jeep Wrangler, and she and Lucy didn't get along. I should mention, Lucy has the attention span of a goldfish. I'm willing to say, give trombone lessons in exchange.
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Time Waster

There's some pretty funny shit here
Unusual eBay feedback. A couple of examples.

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

Dirty Darts

The Dirty Old Man beat my ass twice tonight, so he's a happy camper. We won't get into the fact that I cleaned the floor with him the last few times we played. He's making gumbo tomorrow, and I will be there to partake, so what's a game or 2?
Today was my Monday, it's gonna be that way the rest of the week dammit. I don't want to work, I need to win the lottery tonight.

Just a mess

I have to get this out of my head, so it goes here. I've written and saved to draft, but it's not working for me. Apparently I need to post it. This is not me looking for sympathy, so don't even think about it.
My sister died on Dec. 3rd, so that X-mess was ugly. That's also the last time I stayed "home" for X-mess. We had a tradition of me being there for a day or few, and we'd open gifts at midnight X-mess eve.
After she died, I went nuts for a year or so. I would drive down to the cemetary all the time just to talk to her. It didn't matter what time or what day of the week, I was there a lot. That was 18 yrs ago.
Baby Sis has moved in right behind Mom's house, so I was "home" this x-mess for the first time in 18 yrs. I stayed at Baby sis's house, but I was still there if you know what I mean.
She put baby to bed about 8 and she and I stayed up talking, catching up, it was nice. We were talking about M, (our sister) and x-messes past in the kitchen a bit after midnight when the train under her tree went nuts, toot-tooting and chug-chugging. I thought the cat set it off, Baby Sis went to check it out, and it was turned off, battery operated, new batteries. I told her M was saying hello.
We told mom that x-mess morn and she just looked at us funny, she was up at that time and she doesn't know why. She believes in ghosts too, so we're all good on that.
Nephew has brought hope to all of us, but sadness that M isn't here to share it so x-mess was bittersweet. I just find it amusing she picked on me when she showed her ass with the train. I always wanted one as a kid and never got it, so she had to pick that to get our attention.
I went to the cemetary before I came home, and for the first time in awhile, I cried the whole hour it took me to get here, and more.

Dad's house

Lucy and I went to Dad's for X-mess today. We pigged out on some good food, my stepmother is a great cook, hung out with Step-niece and kid, it was a good day. Nephew had to work, bummer. We finally got home and had to go to the grocery store so I could make candy for my bar buddies. Right now Lucy is cooking breakfast, still no Waffle House dammit. Oh well.
Hope everyone has a good holiday since I'm outta here tomorrow to go to Mom and Little Sis's.

Breakfast

Annie's no fun. She won't take me to breakfast. I guess I'll have to just go to bed. "The Creature From The Black Lagoon" isn't quite doing it for me.
I'm wanting some Waffle House, flourescent lights stabbing your eyes, half a cow cooked to order in front of you along with some over easy chicken embryos and strong black coffee. Yum.

Worthless

I'm at work. We're closed today, but my list of things to do is 500 miles long. Unfortunately for the people on that list, I'm highly unmotivated to actually do any work. I just got back from lunch with Lucy and her sister which isn't helping things any. I think I'll finish debugging the customer service chick and go home.

Goin to prison

I stopped at the post office tonight, I just needed a stamp. The machine that takes my money and spits out my stamps had stickers all over it. Those stickers said something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I can't help you." I, being a nerd, had a pen in my pocket. So I wrote "You suck ass" on every one of them. FUCKERS.
This is like the third time this has happened, it's not like I need a stamp everyday.
FUCKERS.
I'm pretty sure they have cameras in there, so, our government being what it is..... You know the rest.
Ya'll will bail me out won't you?

I forgot about the Damsel in distress

Saturday I had to go rescue Annie. Since Alabama is the asshole of the South, we're not allowed to gamble. At. All. They took out Annie's crack machines a couple of weeks ago because they decided to fix the loophole that allowed video gaming. We have no lottery, we suck ass.
So, the point of all this is, Annie took off across the state line to Tn Saturday morning to buy lottery tickets. She won $500 on a scratch-off and got so excited she locked her keys in the car. It was cheaper to call me to drive the 20 miles than to call a locksmith. I go pick her up, we meet Lucy for lunch, get on with our lives, all is well. I think I got screwed, she bought my gas and lunch. Hmmm, maybe I should have asked for more.

Something different

Ok, I'm a bit strange. I found this hilarious.

Bodyguard

I went to G*nder Mtn with Annie tonight to buy a gun for her dad. I was just along for the ride because she was nervous about carrying that around with her, and I'm nice that way. I wasn't nice by the time we got out of that place, I was one grouchy ass Bitch. She, the person who never notices anything, made a comment on the way home about getting testosterone poisoning from being in there. Grasshopper is learning, I'm so proud.

Yes, I'm spoiled

Lucy is awesome ya'll. She has picked up and WRAPPED all my X-mess gifts for me. She also gave me my gifts early since, yeah, I whined a bit. I got a new tv and a dvd recorder. Annie is all jealous the recorder is going in my room ha.
Now I just have to come up with something really great for Lucy. Hmmm.

Not Good

There has been a shooting at my happy hour hangout. You'll be surprised to know that's a Friday's. A lot of my friends are regulars or staff there. Noone I know was hurt, but apparently it was not pretty. All I know right now is some punk walked in and shot 4 people at the bar, 2 are dead and the other 2 aren't good.
I could go into a rant about WTF is wrong with people, but these days not too much surprises me.

**UPDATE**
False news report last night, only 1 dead. Still 1 too many.

Once upon a time...

there was a bar here in town, where Lesbians, and Bikers, and Rednecks (oh my) all hung out in peace. I really miss that place. Tonight Lucy and I ran into some people from there that we haven't seen in awhile. We had a great time. Obviously, we stayed out past our prescribed bedtime, especially since Annie was out of town and we have the house to ourselves, but yep, still a great time.
Before all that we went to dinner with the girls at one of the fine dining establishments, yes I had to dress up, and yes, dinner was awesome.
Now Lucy sits down and hands me her hairbrush, WTF? Says apparently we're an old married couple. I guess she's right. I brushed her hair before finishing this.

My name is Dan...

Yesterday I went to Subfuckingway for lunch. I ordered, spent a few minutes telling her about my sandwich, what I wanted, didn't want. She's wrapping it up and asks me, "Your name wouldn't happen to be Dan would it?" I just said no, and she goes on to tell me how much I look like Dan.
I can see when I'm wearing a cap and you don't really look, yesterday was button-down shirt, khakis, actual hair, and I'm Dan. I give up.
I should have been a Mortimer or Xavier or something, fuck Dan.

Bet Syd is jealous

Wisconsin Man Runs Over, Eats Seven-Legged Transgendered Deer
Thursday , December 14, 2006

FOND DU LAC, Wis. — Rick Lisko hunts deer with a bow, but got his most unusual one driving his truck down his mile-long driveway.
The young buck had nub antlers — and seven legs. Lisko said it also had both male and female reproductive organs.
"It was definitely a freak of nature," Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity."
He said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit.
When he looked at the animal, he noticed three- to four-inch appendages growing from the rear legs. Later, he found a smaller appendage growing from one of the front legs.
More here

Now, I have a problem...
Ok, this afternoon, this seemed a bit funny since I was just surfing, wasting time, ready to go........ Now, I'm not happy. Apparently the reporter needed to check dictionary.com before giving this piece a title.
trans·gen·dered /trænsˈdʒɛndərd–adjective
1. appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser.
2. Appearing as, wishing to be considered as, or having undergone surgery to become a member of the opposite sex.
3.involving a partial or full reversal of gender

Of course, it is Fox News, but they supposedly got it from the AP so...
Are we supposed to believe the deer called up Doc Thumper and said "Hey, I'm not sure about my sexuality, how about you come over and give me a set from the opposite sex and let me take it for a test drive?"
Doc Thumper says "Sure, and it's your lucky day, I can throw in a few extra legs at no charge."
Unfortunately, before our special deer can go to the local "Doe See Doe" club, some yankee redneck ends all the fun. I'm pretty sure this wasn't what he/she had in mind when fantasizing about being eaten.

Bah Humbug

This is exactly what it feels like around here too. I'm going to have a beer or 12. Ya'll have a good night.

Asshole overload

I went home and cooked dinner for Annie and myself tonight, intending to be a good girl and stay in for the evening. The Princess wanted me to throw darts (Yes, we made up.) I went out mainly because Annie doesn't seem to know how to act when I'm home during the week since I'm usually not. We tend to get in each other's way a lot.
Everything was cool till T showed up. He's a grade-A jerk and gets on my nerves easily. He was quietly doing that, until the other 2 got there, then it became full-on testosterone poisoning. It was time to go home.
Annie was irate because the dvd player wasn't working, and that's my fault for some reason (hit a switch in the back speed cleaning for the parents? I dunno.) Also, her flashdrive isn't operating properly, so she couldn't save any of the work she did while I was gone. Needless to say, she's a bit pissy. Oh well.

Ima Wuss

My new name. I stopped at the convenience store on my way home tonight for beer and gas and whatever.. I left the place with $5 in my pocket. A little old lady stopped me, in her car, called me "Sir" and asked for money for gas to get somewhere. I gave her the $5 because I figured if she's for real, it ups my karma, if not, oh well, it's only 5 bucks. I tell Annie when I get home and get "So, you gave her 5 bucks for her crack habit." She's probably right. As usual, I'm hoping she's wrong. If nothing else, I'm God Blessed by a crack whore.

Whew!

I'm glad Paris Hilton has released a statement saying "Britney and I are just friends" contrary to some gossip going around. If they were joining the team I was gonna have to turn in my "Dykes R Us" membership card.

X-mess gifts

I almost forgot about these. I gave out a few a couple of years ago. I do believe I need to order some more.

Lazy

Lucy and I went to a store to pick up some dart flights and assorted sundry, then grocery shopping. I made a pot of beef stew for dinner. (Yes, I can cook, shut up.) She and Annie had smores in between playing cards. It's been a nice, peaceful day. Tomorrow we're going to see the nephew and then back to town for dinner with 30 or so of our closest friends, or something like that anyway. I'll be looped on sake tomorrow night.
I'm slipping, I don't have anything to bitch about. Well, I could probably come up with something, but I'm warm and my belly is full so I think I'll just enjoy it.

I'm being persecuted

Annie and Lucy are worrying me. You remember this post where I was accused of being unfaithful. I wasn't, just so you know. (Lucy's nemesis was flirting with me at the bar so I had to run home and tell her that, just because.)These two have sent me out on my own and I've been told when I call to see where they are, that "We'll be out as soon as we get our clothes on", and "Oh, She just stopped by the house to pick me up" (which takes forever). Also, Lucy bakes for Annie, I'm lucky to get a potato chip. I need to keep an eye on this I think.

Some Fool...

has put up a miniature Christmas tree right outside my office. It's sitting on a cardboard box. They don't know how much restraint I must exercise NOT to dropkick that mother everytime I walk out. It's still early, it may happen. I'm sure you'll hear about it if it does.

Stupidity

I was going to delete the last post, but decided to keep it as a reminder to myself not to let things fester in my little brain, and not to blog drunk and pissed off.
I've gotten better about the first part, I usually say my piece and the world goes on. I've let this shit with The Princess go on for a few months, keeping my mouth shut so as not to hurt his feelings. That won't be happening anymore. I haven't lost my temper that badly in a long, long time and I'd rather not do it again anytime soon. Assuming we still have a friendship, which at this point I'm not sure either of us wants anymore, I will not hold back my feelings to spare his. As for drunken blogging, nah, not gonna stop that.

Holiday rage

I have serious issues this time of year. Tonight, I was trying to make nice with The Princess after a long period of "nevermind". We weren't getting along. Things escalated to the point where I got mad at him and threw a beer glass into a rung on the back bar where we were sitting. It rang out throughout the bar. The bar got quiet, that's never good. When I got to the front to cash out, and was asked about the noise, I told her it was me, being stupid. And I apologized again after I paid the tab, she was ok, it was me...he gets off with being a dumbass because I was the one that went ballistic.

Sometimes it doesn't pay to know everyone.

Goin straight to hell...

Are you guilty of the sin of lust? Take the test to find out.

I couldn't resist, it was hilarious.
One of my favorites.
2. Select the statement that most closely describes your feelings:
It is important for me to feel confortable and happy with a person before I feel satisfied with them sexually.
It is important for me to feel comfortable with a piece of furniture, passerby, pet, or vibrating device before they satisfy me sexually.

Genius aka (unprintable) tagged me

for the 6 weird facts about me meme.

Actually, there is nothing at all weird about me, but I'll give it a try.

1. I have to polish my tooth for at least 15 minutes every night.
2. I'm trying to patent the "Extenda-Razor" that I use to shave my back.
3. I must have a kerosene lantern in the outhouse, even during the day.
4. I once loved swinging from the ceiling fan, but after the unfortunate open door incident, I had to give it up.
5. I carry on conversations with the dogs, and we understand each other.
6. I have a blog.

A Winter Poem.....so true

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me and it's very well written.
ENJOY!

WINTER POEM
The best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....
try to memorize this prose by next December.....

" WINTER "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

" SHIT It's Cold ! "
The End

I won

Yes, that's Lucy's bra on my head. And yes, she took the picture, with the stipulation that it's the only one I can show you. Oh well...

I've set a new record...

I've only been called a bitch 4 times today (that I know of). All by Lucy, and all recently. Part of the reason is because she beat ME 5 games out of 6 throwing darts. Hell HAS frozen over. She's extremely happy, it's taken her 5 years to accomplish this. It'll take me a lifetime to live it down.
Now I'm off to lose my ass playing strip poker. Wish one of us luck.

Banned in Maine

Shelton Brothers accuses Maine of censorship for denying applications for labels for their 'Santa's Butt' Winter Porter. The state claims the label is inappropriate for children.

So what is the legal drinking age there? 2?

Chinese

I have been accused of going out to meet another woman while picking up food for the ingrates I kinda, sorta live with. I'm offended.
Out of the goodness of my heart I went to pick up food since Lucy just awakened from a well deserved nap, and Annie, well, was just being Annie.
Apparently while I was gone, they talked. It's uncharacteristic of me to drive anywhere if I don't have to, and it wasn't really close to home, so I was convicted quickly. They were surprised when I showed up in a timely manner with food.
They don't know, I was just dying for some vegetable fried rice, otherwise, I never would have gotten my ass off the couch. Bitches could have starved and I wouldn't care.