I Lived!

Got a room, told them my birthday 3000 times, and big burly guy starts wheeling me back. None of the automatic doors work, hmmmm. He pushes me into a room with a whole bunch of shiny shit and clutter and, people in scrubs, and just leans over and looks at me. I'm a bit nervous. Another guy says he's my friend, and breathe, and I do and nothing, then the fucker gave me something cuz I woke up in a totally different place.

I had a morphine machine for the night, I wanted to marry her, but they took her away the next morning. Bitches.

Long story short, I have a bunch of metal in my back which makes me better. I can walk without the cane, and the pain is way better. Frankenfoot may not ever get back, but still better than he was so I'm feeling ok with that. 

And Here we Go

I will be having surgery again since second opinion was a repeat of the first. Gotta get it done before the end of the year because of the money thing so I'll be getting out of hospital on X-mess Day. I don't care since I don't like the holiday anyway, but it fucks up everything for family. They're being good with it except Mom doesn't want me to do it, and frankly, I've never been scared before. I kinda am this time. Maybe it's just because everything has been so ugly so far, I don't know. I'm sure I'll be fine, but the whole getting ready thing has been stupid. 1st new Dr. appt. was lost, schedule with Dr. and Insurance was different, bloodwork today had me down for a different time than they gave me on the phone,..Hmmmm. Maybe I should rethink this  lol
Oh yeah, had to go back because they didn't take enough blood the first time, so they got to see me twice today.
Maybe I'll call the original Dr. and see if he can get me in instead.

Perspective, kinda

I have a Dr. appt. tomorrow to see if my Dr. is full of shit or not. My Dr. is all "Are you better than you were?" Yes, I am. "Am I as good as I'm gonna get?" Yes, without more surgery. Unacceptable.
Realized today, I don't hurt when I'm sleeping, but at least I'm sleeping because I couldn't for awhile because I hurt. I'm just tired of it. I hurt like hell yesterday, but for some reason I found a good mood, I haven't had one of those in a long time either. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Passionate Kisses?

Passion, lack of, specifically. Not necessarily romantic, just passion about anything. I didn't realize I'd lost mine until I heard a song. Music used to be my everything, happy, sad, whatever. Not so much anymore. Pretty much not at all anymore. I don't know if it's just depression, age, or whateverthefuck.
There is not much joy in my life these days, I have gone back to work, and yes, it's ugly. I'm managing that as best I can, but even before all this, I gave up on my music. I need to find that again, but I'm not sure how. I'm playing Doom, an old ass game because I used to care about that too, and listening to radio, hence the music. I feel 100 instead of 50 today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

This is Fun

Work is painful as hell, and I'm sitting on my as most of the time so really? Just life is painful, but there is not a moment I don't hurt, is this normal? I'm really tired of this shit. I see Dr. don't give a shit on the 13th and I'll be sure to be in a bad mood so we can have words. Fuck him and his "Are you better?" I'm not better anymore. I'm off the couch and something resembling walking, but I'm not me anymore.
I took 2 aleve, ran my ass off, opened and closed a garage door 100 times a day on top of lifting boxes, moving pallets.......you get the idea.
Today, I can't even pick up a  case of beer, can't walk more than 100 yds without a break, and aleve is  nothing. 2 hrs later I have to take something else because I hurt that much. I still hurt, but it becomes bearable. This is a crock of shit, I shouldn't hurt this much, I shouldn't have swelling, I should be well by now dammit.

RIP Veronica

You were a great dog. Whoever dumped you because you were pregnant did us both a favor. You got a loving home, and we got a loyal, loving dog. We also got your psycho daughter, but the tradeoff is worth it. She's sweet too, just not as laid back as you. She's now lying in the kitchen because she doesn't know what to do without you, but she'll be ok. I love you my dear, and miss you. Have fun running with everyone else, I know they're happy to see you.

Things Change

Annie suddenly brought up Veronica the other night, we came to the decision that it's coming, but she didn't want to do it just yet. Things aren't really worse than they have been, but something changed with her apparently. Yesterday she didn't want to do it this weekend, today she has it scheduled for Saturday. I didn't ask what changed her mind, and won't. It's time. I guess it's because we've never planned before that it bothers me, but hell, I've been wanting to for awhile now because she's having trouble. And that's all I have to say about that.

I Hate Doctors V1.2

Saw new Doc today, I actually shaved for this visit since he was looking at my veins. Yes, they suck, but he can't say that's what my problem is, so back to Ortho's problem, which means it's still my problem since Ortho doesn't give a shit. I did go get some shiny new stockings, which kill my left leg and that's probably not good, but at least I have them.
It's pretty bad when you're hoping for a blood clot, which will hopefully show up in the ultrasound I'll have Monday. At least that will be grounds for I can't go back to work, because there's still no way. If I have to I will, and hang around till they fire me because I'm not gonna be able to do much. The other problem is if I can do anything, I need a few hours to make it worthwhile for me to drive out there. At least something is better than nothing. I guess. I'm kicking myself for not trying for temporary disability, but I'm a pessimist, I really don't think that was gonna happen, and given the state of affairs in my state, I'm probably right.
I'm waiting till Monday to talk to work, get the test done, and that'll give me another week because they won't make the schedule until Saturday of next week, so I'm buying as much time as I can.
Off to sleep because I had to be up at the crack of dawn today and I've gotta do shit tomorrow whether I like it or not. Later.

Funny What You Remember

I was looking at ads, figuring out the grocery shopping and whole chickens are 59 cents a lb. For some reason that triggered a memory. As a kid I never knew you could buy chicken in parts. Mom always bought the whole one and we cut it up, and that was dinner that night.
I used to be a much better cook, when I was 12 lol because I cooked a lot. Mom worked so I was in charge of dinner most nights. During the summer I also did breakfast and lunch. We had pancakes a lot because they were easy, so I thought, back then I made them from scratch instead of from a mix, and obviously they were edible. We had eggs a lot for awhile because I'd seen someone crack one one-handed, so I had to learn how. I still do them that way.
Ok, funny shit to me, lots of memories in that cooking that I haven't thought about in years. I'll have to tell Mom about it. She'll get a kick out of some of it.

The Good, Bad, and The Weird

The good. Annie talked me into The Dive Friday night and The Assholes showed up. We threw a whole 3 games of darts and had a good time. I didn't hurt until Saturday, Sunday and today. Still, it's progress so I'm down with that.
The bad, besides my typing because I really need to cut my nails again. I found out someone I know passed away Saturday. I was thinking she was older than me, but nope, just had a harder life I guess. I've known her for years casually since her husband is a bartender/  manager. We hung out with a lot of the same people through the years. She was usually the one we made fun of because she was always too drunk to function.
Then I went to work at HellMart and she was there. She was always pleasant, professional and very cool. I revised my opinion, but never told her, or anyone about what I thought before.
I don't know what happened for sure, someone said she'd been sick. My opinion is she drank herself to death after HellMart fired her not long after she came back from medical leave. That thought hurts my heart, and I wish I'd told her how much I did appreciate her when I had the chance. She was a good woman with a horrible problem (I say as I sit here drinking another beer and shot of tequila).
I guess the weird is how much her death has bothered me. Hell, I cry at TV sometimes, but don't get all torn up about real people enough. I want to go to visitation at least, but it's way out there and I don't drive very far, and don't really have gas money, and I'm making excuses. So I may or may not.
Anyway, that's pretty much that for today. Our regularly scheduled "My Psychotic Ass" will return soon. Later kids.

Just Because

Frankenfoot was behaving for a bit, not so much this week, and I don't know why. It's frustrating as hell. I made a point of telling Annie how it was good Monday after getting out and about. Maybe that was it. It blew up Tuesday, and yesterday I went to dinner, by the time I got home you could see every strap from my sandal.
I'm supposed to lunch and throw darts with The Gnome tomorrow. We'll see if I do, and how things are after. Maybe it'll be awesome :)

I Told A Lie

Kinda, somewhat. Yeah, I guess I did. Someone asked if I was still blogging, told her No. Partly because she's FB friends with my Mother and we don't want any of that, and partly because all I do lately is whine, and she kicks my ass about the whining so there was no point in saying yes.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it Dammit.

The latest news in this odyssey is work wants me to come back! In shitty positions I can't do because I still have Frankenfoot, and a cane, can't walk, stand, or wear shoes for long so..... Back to the same old shit except now I have no income. It's about to get real up in here.

I went to The Assholes for dinner tonight since Annie was providing the fish, and it was in the freezer here so there was no point in her coming home to get it when it's closer for her to go there from work. We've swapped vehicles too since I can't clutch, Dammit. I wasn't happy about getting out, but dinner was awesome, and I'm tired of getting shit about my weight so I'm trying to eat more. I figure 10 lbs will shut everyone up.

Veronica is still hanging in there, eating like a Champ lately, so still not having that conversation. I was sitting outside earlier looking for meteors (not a one to be seen), and she was all head in lap saying Hi, or kill me now, I'm not sure. I don't think she's ready, but I know she's hurting, so I'm having a hard time with this one. I know Annie doesn't want to for various reasons, but we are gonna have to face it eventually. Let's just hope it's not today.

Ok, think I may have gotten everything out for now. Maybe. I'll go watch some stupid tv until daylight or so, and maybe sleep. I got used to sleeping a lot, but the last few days/nights, not so much. I have catching up to do.

Later kids.

Having A Day

Things are better, but still ugly. I made it to the grocery store today and took care of business, so I accomplished something, WOOHOO!
The other thing is Annie has left town for a few days and I'm scared to death Veronica is gonna die on me while she's gone. She's eating if I take the food to her, and apparently still going outside, but won't get up at all when I ask, and I can't pick her up, and I tried to have this conversation with Annie a couple of weeks ago and she pretended not to hear me, and yeah.
I'm really tired of being a Sad Sack, but Dammit. I've always been the strong one, physically at least, and I can't do shit. I can finally reach the floor to pick stuff up, but I have no strength or stamina, foot and leg are still shit, still better but not used to be me.
I want Used to be Me back. I miss her. She was an Asshole, but I liked her. She served me pretty well for most of my years.
These days I'm watching bad tv and having beer with a coffee chaser at 4am because my sleep schedule is completely gone. I may or may not sleep all day when I finally get there.
Fun times.

There's A Light...

...over at the Frankenstein place. That's because there ain't one here yet. Same old shit plus getting runaround from Dr. because his docs didn't back up the restrictions he gave me to go back to work, so I'm gonna miss out on that last paycheck because short term disability is about to run out. My dumb ass never thought I'd need more than 6 weeks off, much less 6 months, so I didn't sign up for long term. I forgot I'm an old lady now and shit might happen. Oh well. It is what it is.
I'm tired of whining and crying about the shit because there's nothing at all I can do about it, so fuck it. I'll make it one way or another.
Now I think I might try to sleep again, I went to bed earlier but everything hurt so I got back up, made breakfast and coffee, had both and went back to beer just because I could.
Have a good day kids, I'm sure I'll be a ray of sunshine again soon.

Fomer Workplace is Kinda Not Yet

Can't work with the restrictions, but not completely let go yet. Manager I talked to, talked to Store Manager I don't know and convinced him to approve a personal leave after my Disability leave runs out. I think I can get by with my share of the insurance while out on that, (so did she) so we'll see. Finally getting my shit together for SS disability because I may need it for reals.
We'll see how it goes.

Well, That Was Nice

Ortho was very nice when he told me my options were have more surgery, or he has to release me to go back to work, and let them decide if I'm still a viable member of society or not. I don't think he'll be getting an X-mess card this year.
I couldn't deal with going to the workplace today because I was bummed, and Frankenfoot was alive and well. I figure if I can walk into the place looking like I'm not completely incapacitated..........yeah, who am I kidding. No way in hell right now. I can't get out of the house without the cane because my balance is so bad, it looks like I'm drunk all the time.
Family Dr. called, I have no Vitamin D so I'll pick up a supplement while I'm at the soon to be former job tomorrow.
Other than that, Annie has been really awesome, and that's about the only good thing these days. If she wasn't so supportive I probably would have blown my head off long before this. I think she's staying in the living room with me to make sure I don't kill myself tonight lol.
Not funny, but it's crossed my mind to check out. But I can't. Besides my family, Cat would never forgive me, I'm his Human.

Anyway, that's that for today. There may be some crying tomorrow after I actually visit the soon to be former workplace. Have a good night kids.

I Really Hate Doctors

Been to the family Dr. after Ortho said Frankenfoot wasn't his problem. She says it's nerve damage (pending bloodwork to rule other things out) which does make it his problem, so here I am. At least I see him Tuesday, and should get bloodwork results then or before, and it doesn't really matter because either way, I'm still pretty much fucked. It's my problem in the end because dammit, I can't do shit.
Had a bad day, everything felt pretty good, thought I could clutch enough to drive my car. Didn't really want to go anywhere, just wanted to. Hit clutch a few times, decided it would be supremely unwise to get on the road, and came back inside where everything that felt pretty fine started to hurt.
I'm tired of being a crybaby, but I'm really tired of not being able to do anything either.

Guess That Settled That

After 6 hours out and about I had to come home and take a nap. Then I had to have another nap a few hours later. This morning my foot is about  3 times it's normal size. There's no way in hell I'll be able to go back to work. I'm having coffee with a beer chaser for breakfast before I have another nap, hopefully in my bed this time to see if that helps anything. Will have to arrange transportation to the other Dr. before I see the Ortho again to see what she thinks. Reading posts on the Internet is a dangerous and scary thing. Some say it is related to surgery, others, not so much, but either way, there's a problem. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm sure there will be more shits and giggles before it's over. Wheeeeee!

Whining Revisited

I'm a week from seeing Dr. again, I AM better, I'm just not good. And according to last visit, my swollen foot that's impeding progress is not his problem. It didn't do that before surgery, but he says I need to see my family Dr. because it could be a number of other things, mostly involving vital organs. Nice. If vital organs are fucked up it's probably from the plethora of pills I've been on for months now because I don't take drugs. LOL. Ok, I didn't. Now I do.
They aren't working as well as they used to either so I'm not taking so many because what's the point?  Oh yeah, one of them stops me from crying when the lightning bolt shoots out of my foot, sometimes.
Sooooo, back to Dr. visit. He's probably gonna tell me I can go back to work. Work disability runs out soon. Besides the fact that my job is no longer my job, I can't function in polite society for more than a couple of hours at a time without crying in pain. I've tried to party, it ain't working.
I had a good day and told Annie I was all good, work had to find something for me and if I could do it for 3 months I could take another leave to take care of foot, or whatever else is going on and she said "And then apply for permanent disability."
She, my mom, and my sister have been on that bandwagon since the beginning of this bullshit, and I'm starting to think they may have something. I don't like it, I never have, but hell, I'm pretty much useless still.
 True test will be Tuesday when I take another friend to a Dr. Appt. I'll probably be there all day. I hope they'll give me a shot on her tab while I'm there, because I''m pretty sure it's gonna be ugly.
Rambling, I know. Surgery was supposed to fix me. It didn't. The fact that he was talking about more surgery at my last visit pretty much used up my trust in him. But I've got to have a job, and insurance and all that good shit because I'm already in debt because of this with insurance.
Good thing is beer and smokes will go out the window before I'll let Cat starve.
Ok, I'm tired of my own whining so I'll stop. I need to cut my nails too because my typing sucks, and I've gotta figure out how to shave my legs without killing myself. Night kids.

Whining

I've been having a few months here. I try not to say much on FB because there are people with chronic pain living with their shit every day. Same with cancer, far as I know I don't have any and lots of people are dealing with that every day. I didn't crow about moving my pinky toe the other day because some people never will. I'm just tired of the I'm supposed to get better, and it's not happening much. I'm tired of hurting every day, and tired of not being able to do shit for myself, and all back to, I'm supposed to be getting better and be able to do shit again. It's not happening. I'm running out of time on my disability, so I'm either gonna be unemployed, or trying to get temporary disability because I can't even do a desk job right now, I'm pitiful. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm trying to take care of as much as I can financially while I still have some income since I may not have any next month. After that, Annie will take care of me and Cat as best she can, but she really shouldn't have to and I'm back to being so fucked.
Rant for the night. Probably be another coming soon.

One of My Old Girls is Dying

We have outside dogs. Mom and her pup. Pup is 10  now and Mom is suddenly not doing too well.
I'm  a bit more upset than Annie seems to think is warranted, but I'm all like that.
I'm also just a mess of upset these days so there we go,

Here We Go Again

So. 3 weeks after back surgery, here I am. I'm pitiful, I hurt, I'm depressed, and yesterday I realized I'm Lucy when she was re-habbing here. I got so mad because it was a constant cycle of stupid tv and playing games on her phone. I'm doing the same thing because now I see. There's really nothing else you can do. I sleep when I can, eat when I have to because the plethora of pills is killing me, but nope, nothing fun, nothing new, might as well just go with mindless as she called it. She was right.
At this point, I don't see me getting well enough to work again, which is unaccepatable to me, but there it is.
I'd pretty much quit smoking on the vapor, but I'm back to being a smokestack because I'm bored and cigarettes and caffeine seem to help more than alcohol. Kinda scary. Anyways, that's the latest, I usually just sit here with my phone or tablet instead of my computer. Tonight I went old school because I can't type for shit on either of those. Later kids.

It's Tuesday.

I work, I do more than I'm supposed to do at work because I'm me. I tried for a transfer to the place my other manager went. Nothing happened. He called again today to talk to The Idiot.
I'm hurt. Apparently she has a chance to go somewhere else, and I don't.
Bit down about it, but I'll reach out. I really don't want this to be the end of my being.

I am on my way to something better, so I'm all good now.

Might Get Scary

Things ain't been right, but I've been tired and stressed and all that so I haven't paid much attention.
Today I did really stupid shit 3 times. I don't remember what the first one was, and the last one took me awhile to recognize. Since I don't remember the first, the last  was opening microwave popcorn before putting it in the microwave. I did it twice, couldn't figure out what was happening. A bit later it dawned on me.
Think I may have hit my head too many times.

Really?

I was house sitting for a week. I came home to a week's worth of mess because she's an idiot.
I fed her over there because she was there almost every day I was so I'm just having a moment about this.
I don't think she can function on her own.

I'm Irritable

Having one of those. Friday I messed up, manager looked more upset than was warranted. I maintained, other manager who is usually all up in my face never said a word, so may be shit coming Monday.
I was also way more sensitive than I needed to be Friday so hope that's all my imagination and it goes Poof.
It's Sunday and I've been to a new Dive Bar because I was pissed and it was somewhere else to go, and I think I really just need to get a new life.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. It looks like I might. Unfortunately, it's not gonna end the way I wanted.
I should  be looking for something else, but the last fight we had I said |"I don't want a normal relationship, I want you." How fucked up is that.


And there it is. I want familiar instead of good. I'm so fucked.

An Episode

I went to Spawn's football game today, where he was awesome. I'm not sure what happened to me, but it wasn't fun at all. I was hot and sweaty, but suddenly I was blind, even with sunglasses on, everything went white, invisible, and just weird. WebMD says it's anything from an ear infection to a mini stroke. Internet scares the hell outta me too.
I am making a Dr. appt. because it's been too long and I think I would like a warning if I'm gonna kick off. At least I can plan if I'm going somewhere. Ok, that was a "Maybe there's something going on I might need to know about." Massive heart attack that takes me right out is acceptable because I'll never know I left. Plans need to be made if there's a something else going on.
I know I make no sense. And I really need to go to bed. I have to do a family reunion with people I don't know tomorrow.
Let's hope I have an ear infection :)

Stuff and Idiots Round 35

I found out through FB of all places that people I care about called it quits lately. Thanks for letting me know. It made me sad. I understand we don't see each other often, but damn, you're family. Anyway.

Just got a call from Annie. After the knee debacle of the last 3 or so months? She had to have a tooth extracted Friday. Took her got it done, she's been on the couch. Today she decides to go do stuff and I'm doing other stuff cuz I'm really tired of being her slave. Calls me cuz she feels all weird and maybe I need to come get her. "She only took a diet pill." Dumbass. Told her she's only supposed to be taking what she's prescribed at the moment for her mouth and knee. Dumbass.

Get to go back to work tomorrow to I'm not sure what kind of dumbassery because I took off Friday to take Annie to the Dentist so Wheeee!

Hope y'all had a great weekend.

Here We Go Again

I'm off to Armpit tomorrow because Mom is having a procedure Friday. I was hoping to just show up at the place and all that because I'm selfish and don't want to deal. Nope. Hopefully everything will be fine and I'll just be out some sleep and she'll feel better because her oldest daughter spent some time with her.
And yes, I'm a terrible person because I don't spend enough time with her, or Spawn, or anyone else because I am selfish, and tired, and just want to be by myself most of the time. Since that rarely happens, I guess I should go hang out with them more, because hell, I'm never alone at home these days either.
Anyway. If you're here, say a prayer, send a good thought, whatever you do, that Mom will be ok. I'm spineless, but not heartless, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

Think it's Time For The Crutch To Go Too

I gave up my smokes for the vape, so I've been alternating Marlboro and Salem. They both taste like shit. Added menthol to my spearmint vape, it helped for a second, now that tastes like shit again. I think it's time to just give up completely. That was the goal anyway, except I wasn't really on board with quitting, but since I'm here I might as well.
I'm still pissed I let my "So-Called Friends" pick this route for me, but since I started it, I might as well finish it with grace, and flip them off when I'm done. I still have some attitude dammit.

I'm seeing and feeling a lot of things differently these days, probably from all the bullshit over the last couple of months. I guess I needed to put a foot down and hear what they had to say about it instead of just going along playing nice about everything. I've been doing that for too long, and letting myself be manipulated into what I didn't really want to do because it's easier to go along and get along.

Not really worth it anymore.

I Delete, and I should Stop

I write my feelings, I guess I should write them somewhere else because I keep deleting them here. Ok, growing some balls, all stupid shit stays here. I own it no matter what. My mother's influence, wondering what people might think. I don't think I give a shit what people think, but, apparently part of me does. I can say fuck on facebook which pisses off my mother, but when I get real here, I get rid of some of it because somebody might see it.
It's a new ballgame now, sorry kids.

New News

Oncologist doesn't think cancer is back, but biopsy is still coming from other Doc to make sure so still in wait mode.

Oncologist's opinion on fixing things was same as bone doc, so all good. Fingers crossed it works.

Sad beyond sad about Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall. At least she had a long life, I'm sorry he felt the need to end his so early.

Watermelon vapor sucks, and now I'm going to bed. I think I'll buy actual cigarettes tomorrow because I'm not doing any good at the quitting thing, I'm still smoking, but they're not my brand and they suck. I might as well smoke what I want if I'm not giving up, so there we go. All caught up.

Updates are Available

Been quiet for awhile because I've been just not dealing. Lots of shit happened, Mom met car last week because I met her and family for dinner the week before in the Jeep, and he died in the parking lot. Had to get to reunion, so told her about car. She and Dad have had whatever words, I haven't seen him yet and she's been at the beach this weekend.

She's been to the Dr. a few times. Long story short, cancer may be back and in her bones because they're just breaking all on their own. Going to get biopsied soon, was waiting till vacay was over to deal with it.

I was waiting till vacay was over to deal with it too, so tomorrow starts a new worry cycle.

I'm home, hanging with Annie, her gimp was not the fake I thought, she has a fracture so there's ice and her attempting to be really good about staying off it when it suits her and I'm a bit bitter about everything right now so I think I'll stop and go do something else. I have to work tomorrow and it is beating the shit out of me lately.

I have A Dilemma

Mom is not well. I don't think Dad is doing all that good either, but he doesn't talk about it. And doesn't want me to know or talk about it, and hell, I"m drunk, so here we go.
Dad bought me a car, which Mom would be thrilled about, but he doesn't want her to know because she kind of egged him into it. I can't go see her in the new car she doesn't know about without causing a new shitstorm because she can't keep her mouth shut if she finds out and then he'll be pissed she found out, so I'm avoiding both parents right now which makes me a bad daughter and I hate that.
The Elephant isn't really the car, it's because he could, she can't, but she mentioned it to him on Facebook. I wish that thing had never come into being because it's wonderful and terrible at the same time.
This is why I keep this place. I can say shit here I can't anywhere else because other than Jackiesue, blog and facebook don't overlap.

The other thing is the whole Annie and The Assholes thing. She still goes over there, I don't. She invited me today, I said I didn't think I was invited or welcome, and her reply gave me the "It's all your fault" thing. So I guess that's done. And Annie is next if that's how she feels.

Part of that is someone I never see was at the bar this afternoon, and drunk, but wanted to talk to me because she saw that travesty of me calling them out on FB and had to give me her opinion on it, loudly. She was hurt that my friends would give up on me over something that stupid. So was I. But I gave up too, and actually, I feel better for it. I cried for a few days, but I wasn't wrong and feel no need to call and say "Sup?
Apparently they feel the same so. done. Gone Done Moved On.
Bedtime for Bonzo.

And Here We Go Again

Annie came home last night. I carried her crutches in the house because she's getting along just fine without them when she's not in public. Just shaking head and going on with that. She invited me to The Asshole's this afternoon, told her I didn't think I was welcome or invited, and yep, that's all my fault, I gave them no choice, blah , blah, blah. So I may be losing another one.
Not in the mood at all. Will be going to sleep real soon because I'm a tired bitch. Later.

Don't Know Why

Feeling down. Annie is still away, went to Dr. today and went back home with her Sis after visiting The Dive and The Asshole's house. Waiting for an MRI to see if she's ok, but seems to be so... She's stoned or something when we talk, I haven't talked to The Assholes, but assuming I am not welcome since nothing has been said. I'm not real sad about them, but dammit I miss the cat lol.
Also waiting for new job to open so I can apply and hope the hell I get there. Idiot wants to talk to me lately and I just really don't have any use for her. I'm too polite to be really rude, but I'm being as much as I can.
Just not liking things right now, and not liking me much right now even though I haven't done anything. Guess it's PMS even tho that never happens anymore. Think I need to sleep. Still have to get up in the morning .

There May Be A Light Coming

My favorite managers are leaving to open a new store. It's around the corner from my house. I'm applying as soon as it is possible to do so, and told them both I plan to. Hopefully it'll work out. Unless somebody makes up some bullshit, there's nothing against me transferring, and these guys will get me there if it's at all possible. They're 2 of the 3 that have actually shown appreciation that I do my job, so fingers crossed. Smaller place, do the same job(s) I do now since I'm technically a third of the back room, but can and have done all 3. I'd be happier without the other 2 anyway so...
Let you know in a couple of months.

Persona Non Grata

Apparently I did it this time.
The  "We can agree to disagree" really doesn't extend to me having an opinion. The wife has not only unfriended me, but left Facebook. Annie still goes over there, but not gonna ask because there's really no point. Our friendship was pretty much forced on me by her before they got married so it's not like I've lost a lot. They did, but don't know it. This is why their name has always been The Assholes. I didn't change it after we started getting along because , well, because. It's nice to know I was right about something because I was wrong about everything else I tried to tell them.
C'est la Vie.

I'm so Fucking Pissed about SCOTUS

Friends, so I thought, I swam in their pool, was about to have dinner, when news came on the DVR'ed Jeopardy we were gonna watch. He asked what went on today because they were talking about Hobby Lobby. I told him. He did a fist pump and yelled "YES". I said sorry, going home. We've always agreed to disagree, and he said that. I just told him yeah, but that was different. It's total bullshit. He's the friend who ordered the Vape for me too, so he's already been controlling me so I'm really, really pissed.

I never should have gone over there today anyway. I need to listen to myself more. I'll start tomorrow because I could have avoided that mess by just coming home in the first place.

Won't make that mistake again.

Smoking

I'm trying to stop. It's not easy or fun. I have a giant phallus to suck on, but it's not the same. I still have a cigarette, some days more than 1 or 12, but I'm doing really well actually. I only buy 2 packs every 3 or 4 days instead of every day. Since I told the store owner I was quitting he isn't ordering for me anymore so at last count I had 7 packs. It makes me nervous. I like smoking. Vaping is ok, but it's not the same.
I'm feeling pressured to quit since my last smoker friend quit. He's the one who ordered the phallus for me btw. I don't like being bullied, and that's how I'm feeling right now so I want to rebel and say "Hell NO", but I know it's good for me and all that. Days I have laid off smokes, I've been breathing better, so I'm gonna do it. Dammit, I'm gonna kick and scream, but I will.

Since I've Been Asked

No I haven't quit. I just don't have too much to say these days. Or, actually, I just don't say much of anything these days. I spend too much time away, where I drink way too much and by the time I get home, it's pretty much all over.

I spend most nights having dinner at The Asshole's house. Dinner means, a shitload of beer, at least a couple of shots of tequila, and whatever culinary dish she saw on the Food Network that day. Oh, and Jeopardy! Baby.

It's a new rut, and one I need to get out of because besides the fact that I drink way more, I'm gaining weight and I'm really happy skinny (er).

Going housesitting tomorrow so that'll help, but I still have to hang around here because Annie is always in Tn on weekends since her Dad died. Still a bunch of sad about that.
Anyway, off to probably sleep soon because I'm a tired puppy, I'm still too old for this shit.

Shocked and Sad

A friend who I don't see often, but a friend nonetheless, wound up in the Emergency Room over the weekend. Cryptic messages from other friends on facebook got the point across that he was beaten up.

Got the whole story today and I'm just appalled. He's a gay man. We all know that, I was afraid some asshole at a bar cleaned his clock because , well, just some asshole at a bar. I've never known him to have a boyfriend, but apparently he's been seeing someone pretty seriously lately so all good.

His brother beat the shit out of him because he brought boyfriend to a family outing. His brother, who knows. Apparently it was ok to know, but not to see.

As bad as it is to be me, I'm thankful my family has let me be me, and accepted whoever I was seeing. Hell, they became family, and still are, whether they're around or not. I can't imagine the hurt he must feel after this.

I'm Sad, and Tired

I think they kinda go together. The tired probably brought on the sad. I did go help Annie with the yard that weekend. This weekend,  I didn't leave the house unless I had to, so my Mom isn't happy. I just needed some down time. I sleep for shit, drink too much and still manage to work, and work my ass off while I'm there, so I dunno.
I need to change something because there's no joy in my life right now. I had it for a minute or 2 when I got the car, and now poof. I'm making an appointment with the Dr. just because I haven't visited one in quite awhile so maybe a blood test can tell me if there's something going on besides just me being crazy.
I'm really tired of this shit. So, now that we're all caught up, I'll go play games or something and go to bed. YAY!

So Here I Am

I've been away too long. I've missed this place. I can say whatever I want here, I can't really do that anywhere else these days because someone is sure to get their panties in a wad.
Annie is having a hard time with her Dad's death. Hell, I'm having a hard time with it, but our "friends" are all, "it's your birthday, come party and leave that all behind." They seem to forget her mom is home alone, and there's stuff to be done, and yes, I realize we are both probably a little too focused  on that right now, but it is what it is.
I also know I may call Annie in the morning and tell her I'm too tired to come help do stuff, but right now my plan is to get up and go help out so she can take her mom to something she enjoys.

So this day is ending for me because I am beat to hell. I've got to get some sleep. Our friends can fend for themselves. Lately I'm not liking them much anyway. Maybe it's just the situation, we've all been moody for one reason or another, but I'm tired of the bullshit.

Night kids.

Because I Can

I've gotten a couple of texts from Annie tonight, she's just now getting that yep, he's gone and things are different. It's kinda her first rodeo, she hasn't lost anyone close until now. I'm glad for her for that, but it's a whole different world too.
In the South at least it's like a Carnival. Someone dies and there are people, and food, and someone cleans your floors, and takes out your trash, and it's still, just people all the time. And you're gracious and thankful for those people just because it's what you do. And they're there because that's what they do. Then the funeral is over, the tents get packed up, and everyone goes home. You're in a house that used to have another person in it, wondering what the hell went on.
Make a pot of coffee and take a cup out to him because you forgot, want to say something, and they're not there. Look up at the chair he always sits in while you're in the garden, and he's not there.
It takes a minute, and the sad sets in. It takes a long time for that to go away, but eventually you learn, and you deal, and they're still missed, but it's not a heart stopping moment every time.

I hope the healing starts really soon for everyone.

Goodbye to a good man

I loved Annie's dad. Apparently it was reciprocated. Last year Annie told me he worried about sending me  an X-mess present, which was new, but sure as shit, he sent me a card and some money. Same thing this year. Think it's because I spent so much time up there while I was unemployed and we got to know each other a little better. (Ok, I wasn't in my "don't speak to me" shell anymore.) I've always thought a great deal of both of her parents, but him especially because he was quiet, and sometimes others don't get us.

He was laid to rest today, he will be missed greatly by a lot of people. I wish his family peace. And I'll be around since his wife said She, Annie and I are planting the garden this year, so if y'all need some 'maters I can probably hook you up :)

I'm Offensive

Offender, Offendiverodorous? I dunno. I made a crack about Zombie Jesus and ham.........Apparently that makes me persona non grata. Oh Well.
I have religious  friends, and Republican friends, and I'm able to look past that. Apparently they are sometimes not able to look past my I don't give a shit, so they'll cease to be friends.

Sad Day

A Husband, Father, and Friend left today. Annie's father has been sick for awhile. At least he's not suffering anymore because he did a lot of that recently.

I'm sad, but glad, and I hate both feelings right now.

Discord

I haven't heard a peep, but I'm pretty sure there was a major fight at The Asshole's house Sunday night. Annie seemed a bit put out she wasn't invited over there yesterday, I don't ask, so I was good with it. We went over for dinner tonight and  things were a bit tense to me. Annie doesn't notice anything, and I'm not saying anything to her because she's her. She'd ask, and I don't think things are good enough to talk about with us yet. I said thanks for dinner after we cleaned up the kitchen, and got the hell outta there because it seemed like a good idea.
If , and probably, there was a fight, I got brought into it because I took her to a bar while he was golfing. Her idea, but I was still complicit in her drunkenness, even tho she was trashed when I picked her up. And he was completely hammered when he got home, and I said "Hi' and took off because I knew there was a thunderhead looming. I feel bad because I do love them both. But yeah, the winds, they are a changing.

I think I'll be doing the home thing for a few days because I need to anyway. Also got a message earlier that something might be wrong with Dad, but of course he never tells me anything so I have to check in with him. And Mom, she had a Dr. visit today about her boobs, and I think I need to go to bed and hug my pussy since he's sleeping with me again. Maybe the world will right itself tomorrow.

Sun was Shining

I put a bunch of music on a usb disk and went for a drive. It was awesome. I love my car, it turns like the Jeep, and it zooms. 9 speakers were awesome while I was zooming around. Sun was shining, I was singing, it was a good day.

I haven't felt this good in a long time. I need to do this more often.

Poetic Justice

I've been actually friending some people from my old High School about a reunion I have no intention of going to, but it's been kinda fun to see what they're up to. I left said school when I was a Sophomore because of bullshit about me being gay. Ok, I ran away from home to be with my one true love. I was an idiot. On the other hand, if I hadn't gotten out, I might have tried to conform and be even more miserable than I am now lol.

That was the intro to the real story. I was on probation at that point in  my life because my mother couldn't/wouldn't get it, so shit was done and there I was. My probation officer was happily planning her wedding to the Macho Cop during this time. Bride magazines were all over her office when I went to see her.

I did my time, ran away for the last time for that love we won't speak of again and a few years later heard that probation officer came home one day to find Macho Cop Husband in bed with a Macho Cop he'd been working with. It was more funny to me because the night of my arrest that led to the bullshit, he was standing in the corner while she went through my shit, and I knew he wasn't really that Macho.

I was 16 when this happened so it did make my 19 yr old self laugh because she was a seriously homophobic bitch, I just didn't know the word for it back then.

Anyways, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, and putting my ass in the bed soon. I just needed to get that outta my system.

So it's not a Camaro

I wanted a Camaro, I drove one, liked it, but it was like the QE2 so I got over it.
I got small, and comfy, and OMG I love it. I zip, zoom and I'm gonna get great gas mileage when I get over blowing people off the road in it.

Ain't Gonna Believe This

Dad bought me a car. I can't tell facehell about that yet  because of Mom, but WOOHOO! I'll have a new car hopefully Monday. They had to go find my color, and manual tranny, and yeah I got some bells and whistles because I could. I can't stand myself right now. Hopefully I can afford to get the Jeep's engine rebuilt now since I have something to drive and I'll be in car heaven :)

Taxes

I did mine, sort of, tonight. The state wants half an arm. I don't get it. If I take any more money out of my check I won't be able to feed the cat. All my plans for that whopping 300 I'm getting back from federal just went out the window. Bastids. Time to sleep since I have to go back to the shitty job tomorrow.

I bitch, it sucks to be me, but I know it could be worse. At least I have a shitty job, because I was about ready to slit my wrists when I didn't have one. At least then I got a refund dammit.

LOL, so it goes.........now I really will go to bed.

I know Better

I went to The Assholes for lunch, it turned into dinner. I knew better, but still did it. I don't like them too much because they're always drunk. Me being there turns into me being drunk.
Babysis called, needed something, then threw the dog at me. Yes, the dog has lost a lot of her quality of life.
I love that dog, and it pained me to tell her yes, she should do it. I'm crying and playing Doom because it's too early for me to go to sleep. I think I'll go shoot a few more things and go to sleep anyway.

Music

I'm listening to Melissa Etheridge for some reason tonight. I used to belong to her fan club, followed her everywhere, I got over her at some point apparently. Guess I need to take that Brave and Crazy tag off my Jeep too, HA.
Annie came through and asked me if Melissa was touring, cuz we saw her a hundred times back in the day. I kinda blinked and told her "Dunno, I haven't kept up with her in a while."

One of those things that used to mean a lot to me, and I don't go there much anymore. I was all about music, listened to it constantly, found new artists I liked. I guess I got old. I don't do it anymore. The last person other than Adele that I've paid any attention to is Lissie, and she sounds a lot like a young Melissa Etheridge so that may be why.

Up and Down

I spent yesterday with a bunch of 7 yr olds because my mother decided Spawn should have a Xmess party. It wasn't horrible, the kids had a good time. Spawn and I played and had a good time last night and this morning, so it was a success. Babysis and I caught up a bit last night after Spawn finally settled, all in all,  a good weekend.
Went to see Dad after I left there today because it's been way too long and I'd gotten a couple of messages from him saying it's been way too long. We're just kinda hanging out watching bad westerns on tv when he tells me to start looking for a new vehicle, that's my Xmess present. I think I looked like a goldfish for a bit, then got over it. That was the Up.

I came home. It was downhill from there.

Not Giving A Shit

A comment earlier made me think. Apparently I haven't done much of that lately. Nope, I don't give shit about much lately. I work, I try to get thru my Monday to Friday, and then I'm done. I'm too old for this shit.
Or too young for this shit. I used to be passionate about music, I don't care anymore.
I used to be a lot of things I'm not anymore. Hellmart has sucked the life out of me.
I need to find my passion again.
After some sleep, lots of it. Some fool is having a Halloween party at noon because she has nothing better to do, and I have the perfect costume after I did think about it. I may pass on the whole mess. We'll see after some sleep. My weekends haven't been mine lately and I'm feeling the need for one where I can do what I want instead of what everyone else wants. We'll see how that goes.

Football!

Watched Spawn play today, he's good, they won. Annie went with, which was a bit surprising, but anyway. We went to the Assholes after, and everyone was there. It was loud, and mostly uncouth, and I sat in the corner playing on my phone most of the time because I'm really not a joiner, or participator with the person that never shuts up.
We did welcome a new girl to the group, she seems cool. I'm home and been fighting bed for an hour now, I think I'll give in.

Finally got someone on the phone

Mom is ok, according to the scan, so Yay! Talking to her makes me wonder, and like my idea of not going to the Dr.

So Here I Am Again

I'm worried. Mom had a freak out at her PET scan today, which freaked me out when I heard about it, and Babysis is convinced she has brain cancer, and yeah. I'm worried. I'm not home much anymore, but Mom tells me her balance is off and stuff, when I see her she's pretty much ok. Alright, not so much last week when we went to the pre ballgame stuff, she was leaning on Stepdad quite a bit. Another reason I'm worried. Nurse telling her to make sure someone goes with her to Oncologist Thursday to get the results of today's scan could be because she had a freak-out there and nurse is concerned about her, she's a very nice woman. Or it could be something. Babysis thinks it's something, I'm hoping not, but I'm still worried. It's like that. The worm keeps eating itself and I think I need to go to bed because I have to show up at work tomorrow whether I do anything or not.

I know, but I worry anyway, so light a candle Jackiesue. Love you too just in case I haven't told you lately.

Dammit, it's Sunday again.

Already dreading tomorrow. I think I'm gonna have to bow out of polite society for awhile because I just really hate everything right now.
Today the neighbors suddenly semi-cleaned out their dog pen and put a dog in it. These are the same people responsible for all the street cats I fed that ended up being picked up by the pound. Except for Buttplug. He's the only good thing that came out of that mess.
I did go home yesterday and see DeNephew escort his little friend across the football field, and that was cool. He's becoming such a little man. I threw football with him for a bit, bad idea, I hurt all over again so I guess I need to get some ice and put my ass in bed.

So Tired of the Bullshit

The girls are still not getting along, and my dumb ass said something to someone else yesterday, because he asked. Pretty much he told me to keep an eye on them, and things in general,  and I'm yeah ok.  I'm suddenly the Den Mother.
The only good part of that conversation was I'm doing a good job and he trusts me if I tell him something. He's Asset Protection so he obviously knows I'm not a thief now. DUH.

I said a couple of weeks ago I needed to quit hanging out with the people I was hanging out with, that's working well for reasons unknown to me. Annie said I scared Mrs. Asshole when I was so pissed off about work, but I don't think that's all of it. Annie is on my shit list too and we haven't talked too much lately so I think Mrs. Asshole may be scared of talking to me because she knows things I don't, that don't matter, but she doesn't know that. So yeah, Everything is fucking stupid right now, and I'm tired and should be in bed instead of doing this.

Happy Anniversary!

I was hired to Hell Mart 1 year ago today. OMG, I'm an idiot. Newest news on the kids, is I went off on them this morning, so they got pissed at me, but it didn't help anything in the long run, so fuck them.
I don't need friends, I just need someone to do their fucking job. This just means I'll do mine, they can do theirs, and ooops sorry, I can't help you anymore.

I'm off for the weekend, they have to deal with each other tomorrow.

Annie is my other WTF. I finally asked her tonight if she still had a job to go to since she's been so fucking lackadaisical about getting there, every fucking day this week after she was off Monday.

Sorry, just not having a good day/night/week/month right now.

I have a game, I should be playing that, but I'm doing this because Cat didn't know what to do with me when I was over there shooting shit. He's good with me sitting here.
I'm way too fucking nice.

I'm an Asshole

I called into work yesterday, for today, because I had a death in the family. That I did, but I didn't go to the funeral even tho I should have so I'm not happy with myself.
I hate liars, and I feel like one and it sucks.
Got a text from someone who was supposed to be there, that she wasn't, so FUCK some more.
I don't think she'll feel like shit, but I do. I did text the person who was left alone, and she forgave me, but still. Dammit.

Another of Those

Got a text from Dad telling me my uncle passed away, Dad is off on a trip, heading home. I was chicken shit and texted the cousin about my aunt in the hospital since I haven't heard anything from there lately, got a call back and she's doing better, but not well. She told me about Uncle too.
Thinking about calling Mom about the Uncle....she calls me to make sure I heard because Babysis heard it when she was in town. Gotta love small towns.

I think I'm gonna go play some games and go to bed, I was up way to early for a day off.

War Has Been Declared and I'm the Neutral Country

Apparently The Girls (Squeaky Wheel and New Kid) are bound and determined to not get along. Squeaky seems to be the main problem here, but I don't care since I have to deal with both of them and I'm not gonna put up with this shit for long. My biggest problem is Squeaky likes to run to management over every little thing, where I would just talk it out with the person I'm not happy with, but she's doing it the Hell Mart way and I've not been assimilated yet.
If things haven't settled by Monday, since they have to work together without me tomorrow, I'll fix things or get fired because I'm not dealing with their shit on top of hating my job. Oh wait, I might not hate my job so much if they would get their shit together so....

I need to sleep. I'm helping Mrs. Asshole cook tomorrow, meaning I'm cutting and chopping while she cooks which means I'll be seriously inebriated way early. Yes, driver is lined up so I can do that, and things will be ready for party Sunday at The Newlywed's house, where I also have a driver lined up. I'm on top of things like that. I can schedule my weekends, just not anything else lately.

Now off to sleep just because I can, and if Cat doesn't wake me up at the crack of dawn, it might be daylight when I wake up. Wheeeeeee!

Weird Ass Wednesday

I'm not sure where to start... There was usual stupidity, and then shit happened, and happened, and happened. I'm still trying to find out about the co-worker's husband who had heart problems Sunday and she hasn't been back to work yet. Nobody has talked to her because she's not answering her phone.
There was a massive OMG going on this morning which turned out to be a manager having seizures and being taken to the hospital, she was unconcious when they put her in the ambulance. Last I heard was she was stable and they were running tests, apparently they don't have a clue.
After all that co-worker that has been there with me from the start, the other half of my "We've gotta get some help because it's killing just 2 of us", informed me she had an interview about transferring to another place today and she's thinking about it. I don't blame her, hell I'm looking for a real job, and/or a transfer to somewhere closer to home if I can't find something else because the cost of gas and mileage on the Jeep are wearing on me and him.
Got a text about dinner with the Assholes, declined and went to The Dive. The new cook (new to me, old to the establishment) bought me a couple of books at the library sale the other day which just kinda blew me away. That niceness pretty much made up for a lot of the not nice I've seen lately. While there, got another text from Mrs. Asshole about a mishap with husband, truck, and light pole at their house and I should come over just because. Nothing was hurt except light pole and possibly wallet so that wasn't a major emergency, and I went. Had decent dinner, then got the hell outta there to come home because I really felt the need for some solitary confinement for a bit.
Annie is out of town so it's just me and the critters for a few days and I think I'll spend the rest of my week after work here instead of anywhere else just because.
Cat is still mad at me about a multitude of things, starting with being gone for most of a few weeks so I'm trying to make up, and I'm also just fucking tired. I think it'll be bedtime real soon.
So much for Humpday WOOHOO! I need to call and check on the Aunt also because I've apparently been dropped out of that loop, so yeah, I think it's time for bed. Night kids.

Sitting in the corner

Housesitting got finished, hung out with them Sunday since they got back late Saturday. Got a text from Dad, My aunt is in hospital, could I go check on her. I did, saw cousins I haven't seen in forever, chiefly her son, we've kept in touch this week. She's ok, but not. Still in ICU and I should have gone by after work today but I was in such a foul mood all day I couldn't stand myself so I couldn't even force nice onto my face. I didn't feel the need to inflict that on anyone else.

Talked to Mom for a long time last night after I called to give her the Aunt update, she's always been friends with the ex-inlaws which I think is great, so she was concerned also.

We talked a bit about the family that she had visiting 2 weeks ago, I didn't see the 2 cousins I kinda sorta remember, so I asked again about what happened to their mother since I didn't realize she was their mother, I just remember the son because he was close to my age.
I overheard something when I was young about her husband beating her to death and going to prison and the son going into foster care. I asked Mom about it years later and she told me I was wrong, she died of cancer. Last night we actually had that conversation again, I had the son's name wrong, and some of the details wrong. She was found badly beaten in a park in Illinois, where the family is from, and died from her injuries. Husband was in prison, but I still don't have all of that story, what I got is I don't think he's the one who killed her, and may not have been her husband that brought the son around that night I remember from way back when and we'll have to have another conversation about this because it's bugging the shit outta me. Might be part of my foul mood today.

Looks like I'll have another foul mood going on again tomorrow because besides that mess, Dad was supposed to visit his sister in the hospital Monday and didn't, and apparently has no plans to. I guess he sent me so he wouldn't have to talk to those people he doesn't have anything to do with anymore. A whole bunch of stupid.
Then I find out via facehell there is a family reunion on his side this weekend that I wasn't invited to, and it seems to be his cousins, not immediate family so I guess he's mad Mom caught up with hers. I think I just need to resign from the human race for a bit. These are the people who made me and I love them both dearly but I'm so pissed at Dad I can't stand it, and Mom....I dunno. She probably didn't mean to lie to me, but she did, and I'm not happy about that either.

Guess I'll go get some rest so I'll be all ready to throw shit again tomorrow. Being pissy takes a lot out of ya.

Totally Different Day

I met a bunch of women for lunch today. All older, and you know how I like Older women.
Mom's cousins, my cousins. Other than one, I've never seen any of them. Mom hadn't met one of them, and hadn't seen most of the others in over 40 years so it was pretty awesome. There was picture sharing, story sharing and I wish I'd been there yesterday for some more of it.
I had a great day. The end.

That Day

I've been trying to do something for hours, and it wouldn't work. Then I saw my last post. Scary I was that coherent when I have no memory of it whatsoever.
I've been wanting to bitch and whine, and I guess I got over it a bit. Not completely, but mostly.
I hate the people I hang out with right now. I need to quit hanging out with them, because I had a choice today and apparently I made the wrong one. I'll be over that tomorrow, but yeah, some days I don't want to deal with all their drama and stupidity.

I had my review at work (even tho it's not due for a bit, it's done) A month or so from now I'll get a pay raise. I'm middle of the road performance-wise too, just so you know. I don't feel so bad about not giving a shit anymore, wish I'd done it before I killed myself.

I can't apply for the other job because I flunked the management test and can't re-take it for 6 months to a year. I answered as me instead of the Devil, wasn't thinking.

I need to go see Dad, it's been way too long since I was pampered.

That's another thing, I pushed Lucy away to the point where I can't even call her to bitch. She was a good sounding board. Oh well. Live and learn.

Been That Week

I've been muttering to myself every morning, just one more day.... I finally got there. Squeaky Wheel is up to something. She had stuff pulled up on the computer about bereavement leave, I pointed out her husband's aunt wasn't included, she insisted it was, and she's not working so ok.
If she thinks she's getting paid and not, not my problem. New kid and I are doing ok. New kid scares me a bit, she's so insecure,  but she's ok. She's got the job down, and I mess with her, but she's ok. Obviously I like her. I'm not so sure about the other one anymore. I'm still looking for an out. I have the whole weekend to do that WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Someone else is moving and her job is coming open. I'm going to ask her Monday to recommend me for it because really? 2 pay grades above what I'm making with less bullshit. I want. I already know how to do it, I help there when I'm not busy. Doesn't happen much, but it has happened.

I don't get that either. I have keys, have to unload trucks, meet vendors, truckers, deal with people in general. She just rides herd on the employees so they get their shit out of the back room and puts up what has to stay in the back room. And makes much more bucks. I would have to give up my Weekend off though. I think I could deal with it.

Different

I talked to my Mom for awhile tonight. I haven't done that in too long. We caught up, and then talked about a lot of other shit, and family that she and I don't really know anymore.
We both miss my Paternal grandma, and my Aunt. Babysis has a different set of relatives, but I'm related to them too, so it was an evening.
I've been thinking about some of the same people we were talking about, so it was good to catch up.
I miss both my grandmother's, I knew one when I was really young, but remember her well. I spent summers, and winters with the other and miss her too. They each had their place in my my heart when I was young,  and one stuck around long enough to see me as a young woman. I wasn't yet an adult, I'm probably still not, but I enjoyed hanging out with her after I was able to drive, and converse in real language.
 I probably ate pig knuckles that day she insisted on cooking lunch for me, but damn they were good. I visited her a few times, besides the lunch, I took her a plant, she replied with a throw she had crocheted. And stories, and smiles.
I wish I had reminded her of the summers, and the winters, and how much they meant to me. Summer was creeks, and grapes, and wide open windows at night.
Winters were fudge by the fireplace, peanut brittle, and piling quilts onto the feather bed where I made my nest in the middle.
I wish kids today could know that.

I'm Too Old to Be Doing This Shit

So I was stuck in the middle of the shitstorm between the new employee and the other one. Apparently my esteemed co-worker took it upon herself to be a total ass to the new girl while I wasn't around, and a little bit while I WAS around, and then went to a manager saying a bunch of shit about her not being able to do the job. I heard most of this from the new chick because co-worker didn't say too much to me after I told her I thought the girl was doing ok.

So, they were both off Wednesday, I told new girl to enjoy her day off and breathe and we'd deal with things Thursday. I hung out with her, watched her do the job, she ignored the troublemaker, and I didn't have too much to say to her, but wasn't ugly about anything. I really don't want to get in a confrontation if I don't have to because it'll be not pleasant for anyone.
Apparently squeaky wheel got the message, I got there today and she had apologized to new girl for being an ass, and things were much more pleasant.

I'm off this weekend and squeaky wheel managed to do the same. We'll see what happens next week. Management was ready to jump into the fray after ass said something to them, but hopefully that has been put off for now anyway because even if I didn't like new chick? I still like having another body around so I don't have to do everything because squeaky wheel is a pain in my ass.
And yeah, I think squeaky wheel will be her permanent name because she is, all the time, if it's not one thing it's another, and you know what they say about squeaky wheels and grease. I'm just trying to hang on until end of September when I'll have some time I can take so if I get an interview or something, it won't kill me. It was fun for awhile, but it's no longer amusing and I hope it's just a rest stop on my highway to somewhere better. I got out of my old rut and learned a lot of new shit that will hopefully serve me well down the road.

Now the other shit that has me so mad I can't stand anyone. Speeding tickets. She missed the court date on the first one after she didn't pay it. Suspended license, new court date, paid money to make the warrant go away, I just told her to make sure she pays the second one before it comes up because I can't bail her out or make the house payment if she goes to jail and/or loses her job. I also don't want to cart her ass around while she has no license because she was stupid twice. I could understand if she did this shit drunk, because I've done a whole lot of stupid shit under the influence, but no. 6 am on the tickets, and just plain lackadaisy bullshit on missing the date and shit. Like the tires, she would have ranted at me 6 ways to Sunday if I had been the one to do that. Think it's time for me to go do something else for awhile and get some sleep. At least ticket whore is staying somewhere else tonight.

Here We Go Again

Yep, there was much whining, since I was only there for it Tuesday I told her to zip it. She had a day, I had 2 weeks. Everyone else told me how ugly it was Monday, and I said Oh Well. She was off  yesterday and today was a whole different level of it. She got help from somewhere else because mgmt was upset. Really?
I'm looking hard for something else because my idea of being in the background, not having to deal with people, something I could deal with, isn't gonna last. I refuse to be that whiny ass to get some help and I'll probably end up in trouble for it in the end. THEIR LOSS.
I do my job, her job, and someone else's job most of the time. I didn't have time for all that today because MY job got slammed. I still got to do someone else's because they never showed up after they were called. When I get in trouble, I'll be sure to tell them that along with the Fuck You I'm sitting on.
I think there may be a "Rain quit" party tomorrow unless there's some serious ass kissing to me going on. I know I need a job, but this one has pushed me to limits it took the other one over a decade to get me to. I don't have that much patience anymore.

BWAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAA

Cough, cough. So I got my 2 days off, schedule all fixed so I won't be an exception, even though I AM exceptional. Got texts from that co-worker this afternoon asking about things, never told her I'm off Monday because I'm actually afraid she'll call in if she knows it. Spiteful? Yes I am a bit. I've been beat to hell worse than usual lately and I'm really not happy about it, and I know all I'm gonna hear from her is whining when she gets back, and I'll probably nip that in the bud pretty quickly too because I really don't care, and I don't like her all that much anyway.
Anyway, I know my stuff won't get done Monday, partly because she won't have time for all of it, but mostly spite on her part, and I don't give a damn. I'll catch it up Tuesday which means "Darn, I won't have time to help her any." Yep, I've pretty much declared war. She's talking about transferring (when it suits her to talk about it), and I hate to tell her, she's expendable. So am I for that matter, but my replacement won't do half the shit I do so there.
Yes, I'm looking. Will do a lot more of it while I'm off, sitting in front of the computer in my boxers with pussy in my lap too. Now I'm off to play for a bit and put my tired ass in the bed, where I can stay until whenever tomorrow :) Night.

And Yet Again

One more day of going in way early. I can do this. Schedule is screwed to hell and I'll probably end up in trouble before it's all over since I can't get anyone to change anything, all I have is 1 e-mail and a verbal about my hours for the next few days. Also don't give a damn. I'm being used and abused because I'm awesome, and it would probably be a favor to me if they let me go over something stupid. It's not like I'm stealing or anything, I'm disgustingly honest. Anyway, at least I've made a few possible connections I need to be looking into, but most of those involve me being up early and pleasant every day, to some unpleasant people from what I hear. Seems everyone likes seeing me because even on a bad day, I'm not a total bitch. I'm slacking.
Anyways, playing a bit longer and putting ass in bed so I can get through tomorrow. Then at least 1 day off, I'm gonna try for 2 so that bitch that went on vacay can have a day by herself and see how she likes it.
Later.

A Day Off

Had to cover for that bitch yesterday so I went to work at 5 a...m... I wasn't happy about it at all, but I did, got shit done, got out and looked forward to a day off. I didn't manage to stay up late enough to watch one of my favorite movies, but I've seen it a dozen times so still all good. Slept in, chilled around the house, finally got dressed and went to float in my boat at The Asshole's house. Sat around, smoked a cigarette, went inside to change into swimming togs and came back out to a thunderhead looming.
I never did get wet. Finally gave up, changed back into me clothes and came home because I'd had a couple of shots and a couple of beers, and pretty much done after that.
Cooked some taters since I needed carbs because all I ate there was a couple of fried pickles and french fries. Dinner wasn't happening for a long time, and I can't hang like that anymore.
I'm fighting sleep now because I want to sleep all night. I haven't done that in several nights and it sucks. I only have to do my duty for 2 days, and another day off! Then everything is stupid all over again, but whatever. I think I'll smoke and play for another minute and go to bed anyway. I'm still tired, and my work neice may be getting fired since she called in yesterday, dammit. That hurts me too, she's a good kid, but anyways. Later.

Can't Bitch on Facehell

I can, but I friended a manager from work because she was leaving, and she's apparently not so much now, and I don't like to unfriend people who actually laugh at my insanity.
Most things i can't put there anyway because Annie reads it, and everyone else so. Back to the point, if I ever had one.
Work. That co-worker went on vacation. I'm mad at her for taking it, mad at management for letting her, and mad for the person who was sent to cover for her because she and I are both going above and beyond here. The cover did this for a few days a couple of months ago, she's lost. I ran from 7 to 12 today because I had to. I only stopped then because we both took lunch because she was past due and I said fuck it. I ran again from 1 to 4 because she left at 2 and there was still lots of shit to be done.
I only did some of that shit because I'm nice and didn't want the cover to walk into all that mess at 5 tomorrow.
I've got to get out of here, they'll let me run the whole fucking store while they sit on their asses, because I can.
I spent too many years in the same place. I talk to women my age and older, and they all bitch about the younguns, they don't come to work, or don't do anything when they do show up, Not true on all fronts, but yeah, there's a whole lot of it. I know which younguns I want on my Zombie Apocalypse team, and which ones will be feed. I'm tired, my old ass can't keep doing this. I'm exhausted and not sleeping well, and yeah, beer should help me sleep well, but it isn't working lately.
One of my kids ( I have a Neice and Nephew at work, they call me Auntie) mentioned leaving yesterday and I teared up. I don't do that shit. But I've been doing a lot of it today too, and I'm  pretty sure it's just because I'm tired. Gonna go shower because it's hotter than Hades around here and I sweat and get dusty, nasty at work and hope I will sleep until the alarm goes off. Later.

Another Day.........Another Dumbass

I had a headache all day, my stomach wasn't happy, and I was pissed at my whiney ass co-worker so it wasn't fun. It got even better :) Annie and I threw some darts and her dumb ass hit a curb on the way home and punctured 2 perfectly good tires because she can't keep her foot out of the engine these days. At least she was close to home and didn't kill anyone in the process, but really?
She's already got 2 speeding tickets that I don't ask about, but I know we're broke so I'm just trying to conserve my money because I can't do much else.
Headache is back and tomorrow is probably not going to be pretty either. Already told her she's on her own with ride arrangements because I have to work no matter what. I'm pissed, but......can't do anything about it. Thing is, if it was the other way around she would be all over me right now, bitching me out. Yeah, I need to do something else, far away from here all the way around.

WOOHOO

I had a line of people waiting for me this morning because I had to cover for someone else. Busted my ass to do my job and made damn sure it was done.
I was scheduled to work tomorrow, for no apparent reason. Yes, double time, but it wouldn't be worth it to me. I asked, and I received. I'm now the proud owner of a day off. Annie is trying her best to ruin it for me, but dammit I will persevere. I will chill on the couch with Cat all day if that's what I want. I may go to the Asshole's to swim, but it's doubtful, and I might cook a hotdog on the grill at home to commemorate the occasion, but mostly I'll just not have to deal with anyone I don't want to. I think that will be the best  thing for everyone.
Yay, utility company is here to take care of that pesky limb so maybe Annie will quit freaking out and leave me alone now.
I feel another WOOHOO coming on.

Now I'm Rude

I probably was. Dinner wasn't gonna happen till about now, I wasn't hungry anyway and my hostess was inebriated already. I winked at Annie and came home because work had already kicked my ass, I wasn't the least bit hungry, and the shot of tequila didn't do my any favors so I wanted to get home before there was risk of bodily injury to anyone on the road.
I got texts from the hostess and her husband, which I replied to and apologized . Then I get some from Annie, so I had to call her and get a whole bunch of shit.
I'm sorry, she asks me if I'm looking for another job, after she didn't want me to take one a few weeks ago. So I told her it's none of her fucking business as long as I'm paying my way.
I really just don't care, I will apologize in a phone call tomorrow to my hostess since she's the one really upset, and you know what? Fuck the rest. I'm going to bed.

Could be a Felon

I broke and entered accidentally today. Ok, I entered, I didn't break. I was invited to swim, she didn't answer phone, I showed up. Her car there, door unlocked, I always just walk in. Today I was doing that with sunglasses on and shit in my hands when I hear a beep-beep-beep and go "OH SHIT." Alarm code is in my wallet somewhere, aforementioned sunglasses still in place and I can't see without reading glasses so WHEEEE.
I managed, and had a few minutes of bliss before everyone else showed up. It was nice to just float for a bit. I may try it again soon while they're gone.

I'm A Wuss.

Who knew? I"m being abused , and I'm letting them, and I shouldn't be. Hmmm, maybe because I was raised to work for a living. I should talk more with the people around me who are calling out because they got an ouchie, or work interfered with their going out. Or OMG, they had to work and they're tired. I can barely move these days, and I'm still going, and it's stupid. I shouldn't have to do this. I need to take a new inventory because I shouldn't be this.

Yep, just meZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I'm not sure where all those z's came from, but they can stay  because that's where I'm headed.
I'm in a whole lot of hell right now. Job hates me, Annie is telling me old job went belly up, which I want to  celebrate, but not. I need to get out of the new one because it's killing me, but dammit it's a job. I need a day or two to hang out with Dad, I haven't had that in while.

Going to bed/

It's Me Again

I need to find a new job, but I'm too tired. I had a meltdown last night, and almost walked out today, and the meltdown happens occasionally the walking out thing? Not so much.
Annie wants me to help her paint a house, but I hurt, and I'm tired, and it's all because I'm too fucking old for the job I'm doing. Or as other people tell me, I'm doing too much at the job I'm doing and I shouldn't be doing it. I guess I need to tell them to kiss my ass because I don't have to do it, but I'm not sure how, other than walking out or using those words. I'm going to bed  because tomorrow is going to suck again, and maybe report that head injury I suffered today as a reason for my sudden onset of Tourette's that I'm sure I'll begin suffering from.

Saturday, All Alone

Other than an early morning text that pertained to Annie more than me, I was having a decent day. Watched The Color Purple for the 100th time, love that movie. Hung around unshowered and braless until...........
I went out back to smoke because there was a birthday party going on across the street so I decided not to smoke on the stoop and scare the kids.
I found a dead rat last night when I went out to water the garden, today I found a small mocking bird and a kitten. I don't know if the kitten killed the others, but I know the dogs killed the kitten and it just ruined my fucking day. I don't have a problem throwing a rat and a bird in the trash, but I had to bury the kitten, which pretty much finished off my shoulder as far as I'm sore as shit, and it hurt my heart. It was probably a distant cousin of Cat which makes it even worse. Back to that PMS I have that isn't going anywhere because it's been about a year since the M part was here.

Rambling again, kitten bothered me. Told it I was sorry, but dogs are dogs and it was in their yard. What really pisses me off is it happened while I was home today, no barking, no nothing. I don't like them much anyway so they're lucky I only hit them with a glove because I really wanted to use the shovel.
Anyway, off to bed with some ice soon because I hurt all over again and need to buck up since I have to work 6 days this week in addition to helping Annie do some painting at the Gnome's. My body is never gonna be the same.

Had a Bad Day

Insert music here. I'm too tired to find it and I'm pretty sure you don't want a song clip anyway, so there we go.
Spilled soda in my lap on my way to work because I haven't been to the store lately. I was having a go cup instead of a trusty can because I'm cheap, and there's nothing wrong with that until you arrive at work in  brown pants with a wet crotch.
I promptly got pissed off once I walked in because yet again, things not done. I dropped a pallet on my foot, and thankfully it wasn't a wooden one, or I would have been here way earlier with a cast on said foot.
Pretty much like that all day. I keep telling myself I have a job. Some days I love it, but days like this, not so much.
I knew better than to go to The Asshole's house, but did anyway since I was invited and most of the time I'm not rude. Hung out for a bit and came home before dinner was done because they were bickering, Annie is useless and I wasn't hungry.
Annie came in the door telling me "even I could do her job" so maybe I should polish up the reume' and look for something else since I'm so beat up these days. Apparently I was dinner conversation.
I"m whining again, I know. I've thought about it. I'd rather be beaten up right now than go back to a high stress job. Mom gave me shit about my profile pic on facehell, but the funny thing is I do look younger now than I did 3 years ago. I took that at the old job when I was stressed out all the time. Even a bad day here is better than what I was back then, so I'm good with that for now.
I don't plan to make this my life, but I do have more good days than bad. So far. Hopefully this week is an abberation and it won't continue. I'm still babystepping back into the real world,  I'm also apparently hormonal because I've cried about something off and on all day and that just pisses me off too, so there we go.
I need to shower and put my ass in bed. I stink because yep, I sweat, and it's hot as hell where I am, and I haven't looked at my foot yet to see if it's "kiss it and make it better" worthy or not. I know it's not broken, but it's sore.
I think I've rambled enough, I'm gonna take that shower and put my ass in the bed.

I'm Really That Old?

Yep, I circled the sun another time today. Wasn't a big deal. I'm still here, so that's a good thing.
I don't visit this place very often anymore, mainly because I'm tired all the time, and quite possibly because I don't drink so much anymore because I'm tired all the time. I seem to have sense enough to shut up and go to bed most nights these days. I guess that's some of the wisdom that comes with age? HA. Something like that anyway.
I seem to be a new person these days too, it's scary. I'm quite popular at the job, someone told me a couple of weeks ago she was concerned about me, I didn't seem as upbeat as usual......I was having a bad beat to hell day so I told her I'd just been tired, but thanks for the concern. I make sure I smile at her every time I see her now.
I did take yesterday off because last week beat me up and the trip to KY was a whirlwind of drive up, party, come home, so I called in exhausted. Felt much better today thanks to that. I'm still too old to be slinging boxes around, but hell, it's a paycheck, and most days I like it, so I'm good.
I got shitloads of Happy Birthdays today, which made me feel good, some I actually cared about (Jackiesue) some I know were just because Facehell told them to. For the most part, they were from people I actually care about whether I've met them or not, so YAY.
I ended up at friends tonight instead of where I intended to go, and she cooked oysters (which I hate), chicken, was good, canned asparagus (not a fave), stovetop stuffing, again, and strawberry stuff in pastry with fresh whipped cream. I would have preferred apple, but it was good.
The fact that she cooked for me made it special, and I love her and the big ape she's married to so it was good.
Looks like time to go play a game for a minute and put my ass in bed. Night kids.

It Was a Day, in a Week of Days

Let's see, Fedex guy asked me sometime this week how I wound up doing this, told him I needed a job, they offered, and here I am.
I got a talking to  because my 30 minute lunch was only 28 because I can't remember what time I left, and I'm supposed to take an hour, but I was having a day so there we go.
It's been kinda like that. There are lots of rules, and I try to follow them, but still get in trouble when other people don't follow them so it's been a week.
I'm tired, but at least I'm not stressed. I don't care that much. At least as long as I have a job, I can move on if I need to, and right now I'm good because I'll get insurance next week so yay!
I can go get poked and prodded if the need arises, and it hasn't in a long time so it's just money I'm pissing away, but anyway. I need to throw some ice on my shoulders and sleep. Later kids.

It's Another One of Those

Got paid today, WOOHOO! It's not much, but I work for it dammit. And I dunno.
Annie got paid Tuesday, and she's broke. Part of that is because she pays the real bills around here, and part of it is I don't know what and pretty sure I don't want to know, so there we go.

I'll be looking for another job, either a part timer to help with this one, or a real money one, and who am I kidding? I'm getting insurance next week, I'll stick with this one until they get tired of me. That may happen before I'm ready for it too since I've gotten the "cover your ass" speech twice, once implied, and the other implicit. I had to go look to make sure I used the right word there too, and yes, I did. I'm still good, I just have no self-confidence anymore. Working on that too.

Cat was a good boy today, he finally caught that fly, and he's been My boy since I walked in the door, so I guess I should go enjoy my lap time with him. He comes to bed with me, but leaves in the middle of the night. At least he leaves his toy to guard me when he's not there. I'm pretty sure that scrawny kitten is the best investment I ever made.

Regrets, but not Mine

I had an e-mail from my Mother this morning, apologizing for not being a better one. It was long, and detailed, and I sat on it all day because I wasn't sure what to do with it.
I finally, after many beers, responded, and I think I could have done it better, but I did what I could.

She sees thing this way, I see things that way, and as much alike as we are, we don't see the same things. I see the woman who was widowed way early, and it should have been earlier because he was an Ass of the first degree, but I woudn't have sisters if that hadn't happened. That woman worked several jobs to keep us fed and clothed. She's the strongest person I know because she had a shitty life, and turned it into a good life for her daughters.

I'm not what she wanted me to be, but I think I'm a decent person. Middle Sis was the most like Mom, and the least like her at the same time. Mom survived her death, my being different, and Babysis being, well, the Baby Hellion. She mourns, but she loves, and she does it all with grace and dignity, and I told her she has nothing to aplogize to me for.  I wouldn't be me without the hard times and the good times, and her.
I think she did OK.

Wondered When It Would Happen

My Brother, (who really isn't) showed up at The Dive tonight. Haven't seen much of him lately, mostly because neither of us have been there much, but that's a different story. He proceeded to tell me that he'd heard some news that just blew him away because he never expected it.
Someone felt the need to tell him that our recently deceased friend was gay, and backed it up with old text messages. I think I know who did it, but I didn't ask because I feigned ignorance. I told my fake brother that I didn't know, and obviously it was something that B didn't want known or he would have heard it before now.
I did know, I'm one of the first people he told, but it's not  something he wanted people to know, and certainly not something he would want people talking or speculating about now, so it's not something I'll gossip about. And I guess that's what it boils down to. I never gave away his secret when he was alive, and I'm offended someone else would now. Dawned on me later those texts my brother got while we were playing darts were apparently from someone telling him I was lying, because suddenly he told me twice how much he loved me and what a good friend I was. I don't care if he knows I lied, what B and I talked about was between us, and I knew then as I know now, he didn't want me sharing it, and that's it.
And yeah, this gets put here because I can't even tell Annie about this one. She'd just stir up a whole new kettle of shit if I told her there was gossip.

Not Having Fun Anymore

It was a day. Took my bandaids off in the shower from the knocking half my forearm skin off yesterday. Bathroom looked like the scene from Psycho by the time I got to the sink and got another bandage on. And then another bandage over that.
Had a bad hair day becuase of all that drama, couldn't find my zippo, even came back in the house looking for it and no dice, so I went to work with Bics instead.
I'm tired of the whiner/hypochondriac (I've listened to everything every day, and it only changes if she has something new going on, and every few weeks, something new goes on.) The other one is ok, but she doesn't get that I'm covering for her when she wanders off on her mission from Gahd, and it's really not part of my job to do that.
I didn't get in trouble per se, but I did something wrong and was spoken to about it today. Not a big deal, except I'm emotional as hell for some reason and I haven't been like that in awhile so I'm scairt about it. Main thing about that was yes, I did screw up something, it's fixable, and got fixed immediately, but got talked to about other things that I've already fixed because someone told me to, so she didn't need to send him to tell me again. That pissed me off. She doesn't even work there, and she tells me to change things, I do because she works at a store that supposedly knows what they're doing.
Back to Not Having Fun Anymore.
I also hurt myself again because I'm stupid, but on top of that I hurt everyday because I'm too old for this shit. Tempted to apply to the office job that's open, but they didn't interview anyone we knew for the other one, so don't think I'd stand a chance. Need to start looking for a real job anyway since this one is no longer amusing. On the other hand, I'll get insurance next month so it's worth staying for. Tomorrow will be better. Cat and I are going to bed.

Sentimental Journey

Talking with The Assholes tonight, about someone else, who apparently has no sentiment whatsoever, was different.

I lost my 6 dollar ring one day.
Got home, noticed it was gone, and was willing to just write it up to oh well, it was 6 bucks. Then I missed it, and I bought it on a Christmas shopping trip with Mom, and I don't do those very often, and at the time she was in Chemo so I went back and hunted for that damned ring until I found it. With the help of the bartender, who knew none of the backstory, but she's a good person  so all good for the day.

I do have feelings for things, and memories associated with things. I don't understand people who don't. Some music reminds me of some people, either still here or not, and some actions make me smile because I learned that from someone who is no longer here, but I remember, so they kinda are.

Been a strange day.

Happity VD

It was a night, the faux parents threw darts and I beat them after Annie left because Whee. I dunno.
She and I couldn't beat them together so, I guess there is something there.

Lucy has gone off the deep end again. I don't know what to do about that because Lucy and I are done. She just keeps on with the crazy which is why we are done.

babycat just got in my lap and said fuck all that.

Besides the Fact I Don't Make Sense

I found a couple of things I wrote, didn't post, but liked tonight. So there you go. I think Grannie and I are the only ones who still read, so not a problem. Sometimes I surprise myself by actually having something worth saying. Cat has taken away my left arm, btw. He wanted a chin rest, so this typing is a bit slow. Guess I'll give up and go to bed.

Scary How Much My Bullshit Skills Have Grown

Annie is concerned about changing positions and asked me for my opinion. I surprised myself with all the keywords I know for saying " I don't fucking like this and would rather not, thank you very fucking much, but I need the job so just don't fuck me over too bad in the process."

I'm still happily being a peon, in retail, and those are words I never thought I'd utter either, but it is what it is.

Mr. Asshole told me tonight he had never seen anyone more miserable in their job than I was at the old one. I didn't realize how miserable I was until that one was gone. He tells me I'm a much happier person now, WTF? He's not the most observant individual in the world, so I liked that he noticed when I didn't.

I'm now...........probably going to bed because I do have a job to go to in the morning, and I thank Dog everyday that I have one. Even on foggy, rainy, or snowy days, at least I have a job dammit. I was without one long enough to be appreciative.
Later kids.

I'm Still Here

I just haven't had much to say lately. The last post I wrote, I took away because it sounded like I was saying I was better than what I am, and I didn't like that, so poof.
I like the job, the money sucks, but the hours are good and at least I'll have insurance in a couple of months so I'm happy with that.
I reported for jury duty this morning, and had to practically undress to get through the scanner at the door. Just hand me my clothes on the other side please, geeeze.
That worked out, I managed to get excused since x number of people could go, and I was Madame X today. I'm sure the lady sitting next to me was glad because my stomach was making all kinds of ungodly noises because I needed to go. Thankfully I made it home for that so cat got a taste of how I feel when he visits the litterbox some nights.

I took a day off to go to Bill's funeral, and my stomach was shit for that too. He came by to say hello last night, I liked that. In other news, went to visitation for The Gnome's mother Saturday. I was housesitting when I got a message that she was coming home early because that had happened. It's kinda been a few weeks, months, something. Time has no meaning anymore, I work, sleep and start over. What drama has gone on lately (and oh, has there been some) I wasn't around for so I'm all good with that too. I guess I only write when I'm miserable, and lately I haven't been. Who knew?

Footnote for Grannie, the drunk the other night was a complete accident. I was tired and there were shots. It jumped on me before I realized, because that's another thing, I don't drink nearly as much these days.

Debating watching Dallas, since the last few Saturday re-runs have kinda got me hooked, or just going to bed since I do have to work tomorrow. That was the other thing, after getting out of JD, I didn't have to go in, so I wasn't sure what to do with myself today. At least my taxes got done and the cat got petted.

Shhhh

I've had several things to say lately, but apparently wasn't drunk enough to say it. I've been here off and on, and either written something I hid away, or just looked at the room and left again.
I guess it's easier for me to write when I'm miserable.

I'm working a menial job, but I like it. The money sucks, but it's better than unemployment bucks, and feeling like I'm actually doing something is way better than feeling like a complete failure.
I'm good right now.

Someone at the job is asking me "Did you apply for that other job? Did you take the management test? Did you...." I told her I'm happy being a peon right now and doing what I'm doing. She doesn't get it.

More money would  be nice, and Annie is asking about me applying to other jobs, but I have job for now, and even tho it's physical (and somedays almost killing me) I'm good with it. I'm virtually stress free.